Ayn's Multiple World

We're not going to cry, but we lost about 8 pages of writing :(

Good morning … at least theoretically. It’s about 1:30 am. We’ve been reading for a bit, but for the record, we’d fallen asleep on the couch after reading a bit between the hours of 8 and 11 pm. SOOOO, we’re a little out of sync. We’re taking a slight pause because we’re at the half-way point of our reading … 22 pages down and 20 to go. Oh and we did do the pre-reading with the study guide. That seems to be working more in our favor. I would like it if more text included it. I would also like trying the extra readings that were attached to the book in a third book. I looked at the title and author and did not recognize anyone using the resource listed for this chapter. Maybe it would be ok, to use if I backed that up with more Internet research. By that I mean from our library. I did cheat in one comment I made to someone else earlier by using Wikipedia. Generally, that is a lousy resource, but it was quick and easy in that I wanted to recall something from Maslow, without bothering to look it up officially. I knew that about any resource and his brother, would list the basic hierarchy of needs. We’re not of the memory ability to remember such things, but we do remember sometimes its important to access things to get it straight. It’s like the Internet is just a big notebook. Oh man don’t you just love this era of life??!

I had come to the conclusion in some of the materials that I read that safety was involved in mate selection. I know what is coming up concerns Attachment theory by Bowlby. Because Dr. Marvin pays so much OBVIOUS credit to this theory, we figured we are going to look forward to reading it proper. We’ve had some introduction, and don’t figure this chapter is going to do it in more detail, at least that’s what we get from reading our peers’ work, but it’s good to put back in thought. I think it rivals importance with self-regulation and I got somewhere … most likely today that self-regulation is tied to attachment theory. I sure hope I can find that again. I’m hoping if it’s not in the next 20 pages, I can go back and find in the last 22 pages. Usually, if I picked something up in a peers’ paper it means that it’s in the book, because there is not a whole lot of extra reading being done. Most teachers by now have commented on two things. You get extra consideration for looking to resources in the library, and that you should be getting your work done on time. I guess this professor did do it in that … earlier on she compliment several people for getting resources, and this last week she locked the room, so that you had to be at least caught up with the first 3 weeks. I think in reality this is more help than anything, because I’ve learned the more behind you get the harder it is to keep up. I’ve proven it can be done, but by the time you get to the final, I have been too exhausted to do it well. Also the last professor was correct in that missing too much time really hurt in the comment area and that’s important to the program.

Speaking of … I think that I’m going to take a quick peak over at school now to see if anyone has stopped by. I’m pretty sure that I can always sleep a few more hours in the morning if I don’t get it proper tonight. The worst case scenario is that only one paper gets written tomorrow and the next on Monday. BUT, with that annotated paper coming up … it’s a much better idea to use Monday for something else. Ideally, it would be work, but that depends on general life responsibilities. Like stated previously … there is some robbing Peter to pay Paul. I am finding both work and school to be of particular interest at this period of my life. It seems always by taking on more responsibility over less that things are more exciting. Even the elements played out in the last session with Dr. Marvin … if I can distance myself from it a bit, it is all kind of interesting. I’m not in touch with the younger parts experiences directly, but I know I have the post to fall back to in analyzing what had happened. I find it very interesting that things happen in my life without forethought. Sometimes I think how absolutely positively strange it is to have parts not connected immediately to you. I learn from them every day. It seems like it’s been such a long time from the beginning of my life to where it now is … basically the 47 years between birth and now. Purportedly, according to us … the initial dissociating events (sexual) took place in infancy. Now with work being done in attachment it is relative to be analyzing how current demands such as the interlude with the assistant of Dr. M. played out in recognizing the needs of younger parts. Of one thing we are very sure, the sense of losing complete control when the assistant was moving in us was explosive. I’m thinking by now that since she wouldn’t have been in a position to literally attack we would most likely have caved into a defensive position just thinking she might – most likely of curling into a ball as much as our size and proportion would allow. Again … these things just happen and aren’t pre-thought so it is hard to say what could have happened if Dr. Marvin hadn’t opened the door. The thoughts have come more often to mind over the last couple of days of having lost consciousness in the hospital the several times we became uncooperative and in need of restraints or seclusion. We were just that close the other night of that kind of space.

There is something else being worked on in relationship I believe. I don’t remember, but I think Dr. Marvin had said something at the end of it having been a good session. I hope he did at least because it seems always like a lot of work to be so many different parts. It is for certain an energy drain. The part we are getting to here is that even though there were so many regressions of personalities and parts that were seriously having trouble in being in relationship space with him … the bottom line was that neither him or us gave up. Several times I have a sense of starting to close down, and I think to some extent he was giving us the time to stay focused on him, but there was some part of us that states to open our eyes, look toward him – though rarely directly, or to look about the room and get some kind of orientation. At least that’s how it is when we’re coming out of the deeper regressions. There were times in the dialogue … though I don’t remember the words spoken, but during the dialogue there was a sense of give and take. We were not immediately accepting of his position. He had lost touch with what was happening to us because he was being defensive for the sake of his assistant. We have to worry somewhat about that because he seems to be absolutely clueless as to her psychological dominance. I think this is some part of his own personal baggage … and I can’t help to think that part of it is his orientation sexually. Because nobody should take that kind of power, or be given the power by authority of Dr. Marvin to be that incredibly insensitive in their position of psychiatry it’s diabolically incomprehensible that it be allowed to happen. Hmm, I’m going to have to go back in a minute to see what I just said … basically, it might mean that I’m again under the influence of my mother to be considering this “other” symbolic relationship of such strong feeling and potency. Before I leave this state again … where exactly are we. If we doubled over the pictures which is generally what happens … because all relationships seem to cross over with original attachment figures and dimensions. Let me see …

I would have to then say … that would be then to say that my grandfather became defensive of his wife or daughter, which point was being vehemently contradicted though if small, we wouldn’t have had this much grasp or ability to protect ourselves as we do with Dr. Marvin through logic … with him we seem frequently enough to get to some part that can help him through his personal shortcomings. Believe me there are very few and he is quicker than lightening to get to where it needs to be so he doesn’t mess up the relationship. We seem to give each other time. I think then in respect that my Grandfather would have had equally disturbing time in acknowledging the power of my Grandmother or mother. Especially, my mother because he no longer was in direct contact with how she was orchestrating our life. My mother never hit me at her mother’s house … it was done before or after … if not in the car … while at home. There was always a sense of “you just wait!” It’s harder to stay in the space of the comment made on diabolism. But, our instinct tells us that that sense of power was again played out throughout childhood. I remember Dr. Marvin afterward trying to get to some understanding of the “pressure” I had felt to explain myself to my mother, although within 24 hours, she had discounted that she was pressuring, while continuing to discount the relevance of my experience. In that respect Dr. Marvin also played out as the card … neglecting the relevance of my experience with the assistant. So, what then is the sum of this conversation?
Where are we now? What would happen if he held the “Grandfather” role and accepted that the female was lording a dominance over myself, and perhaps others. I’m not out to take down the assistance, though I’m never truly surprised when parallels in life play out. I’m trying not to be overly concerned with what Dr. M. is doing in that need-based relationship, although that protective part of me has been activated too. I’m guessing that like me his partner also doesn’t trust the relationship with her, but that be soooo off-base because I’m not to be in that relationship and already I’ve gone too far and so will quit. I’ve got complete faith that Dr. M. can handle on his own … personal and professional relationships. I’ve got to though let go that due to his orientation he is vulnerable to this woman and is also somewhat taken in by her masculine prow. In this sense, she becomes my Grandfather … and Dr. M. becomes the vulnerable child my mother must have been to him. My mother gets no sympathy because of her violence and lack of trust in relation to me, but thinking it through … what must it be like to live with a tyrant. Damn how come Dr. M. doesn’t see this. Is his pure faith in others so dominated by efficiency … I’m sure she’s very efficient and most likely as my Grandmother very German. Though I have absolutely no sense of how culture and race could play out … I’m no diagnostician.

Right now we’re feeling a little crazy with all this because of where we’ve managed to be at 2:15 in the morning after having been up a couple of hours. There is some sense of urgency though in figuring this out. I can hear my Dr. Marvin message sayin that we can figure things out in session, but also our request to put something in writing this week, because it is so activated yet in our mind. It’s another funny attribute, but I am always dismayed to know, though not understand the level of defenses my mother has. It was a peculiar thought in that in this last email she communicated that she was poor in communication. I wonder if she could possibly imagine that what she is very, very good at is denial. And, the energy she consumes in keeping things under wrap is exorbitant as I feel it must be for that assistant. I cring to see her “big hair” and bulky movements … can’t help but to guess that she’s also suffered abuse. It’s just the way this terrible thing happens. Perhaps that would explain some of Dr. Marvin’s defensiveness. It’s not that my mother had big hair and blocky movements, though she did have big hair now in thinking about it. I was thinking today after seeing a picture in the text that she had styled her hair in the 60’s as did Marilyn Monroe. Can I tell you how horrifying a thought that is? Dr. M’s assistant is like the rest of us too in becoming locked into a particular time era in her dress style. That makes her a little more scary around the edges, because it indicates a time period in her life stopped and she didn’t grow past it. Somehow this makes things all the more scary in thinking of Dr. M’s almost motherly dependence on this woman to be taking care of him. Shoot, I sure hope the partner is fighting the front. Hmm, in relation to parallel lives how is the partner tied into it. It’s so hard to tell because the roles change according to need so Dr. Marvin or the assistant AND most likely the partner play different roles of mother, father, grandmother and grandfather. I think though more often than not … we’d like to imagine the partner more like our eccentric grandmother. In this crossover relationship where Dr. M. is Grandfather, then most likely the assistant is my grandmother and dr. M’s partner would be my mother. This hopefully could be thought that he wasn’t an abusive person as much as most likely he was abused.

Did I mention we may be off a deep end here. Better slow it down. I’d like to do just one more analysis of where we are at now to establish our safety. That reminds us, we were going to check school for comments. I made too many not to expect some feedback. Let me check that now. Mmm, just for the record … we decided cuz it’s 2:30 am to make some coffee … it smells absolutely delicious!! This is like the Poseidon adventure where the characters make it to the side of the boat with a hole faced upward and the helicopter spots them and is going to rescue and Maureen McGovern sings “The Morning After…” song. WooHOOO coming out of a tunnel … watch out, we’re running!

Umm, I feel really spacy here, but we've lost about 8 pages of our writing today ... It's not a whole lot as far as our writing goes, but I feel in grief for losting parts of ourselves. I don't think I even know what all was written. I know there was something like way back at 8 or 9 talking to our friend for a bit in IM and then there was the part of finishing the reading and then there was the part of of ordering a pizza early for the game. We've still got an hour to work before it starts, but I wanted to say thanks to our professor. She did regrade the paper that didn't stay posted. We feel a bit humbled in that she's talked back and forth with us this afternoon in trying to help me get back on time track. Just got to keep trying.

We've outlined a few point from the textbook now ... and the next thing is to try and concentrte on an article we found ... well one main article and two supporting ones ... No other way to do it then read through it and see what happens. Sure be nice even with the game to finish at least one paper. I think we're going to need home/work time to do the other tomorrow. It's always easier to do one not two, because they take a certain amount of energy. Ok, we're stalling now ... best get going.

posted by Ann Marie @ 2/04/2007 04:31:00 PM Comments: 0