This is a good one not to read ... still mad
It’s just me. I was in the morning waking stages and I realized that I had been petting the cat. First he was to the right of me, and then he moved to the left. I wasn’t even awake, but somehow he’d gotten me to pet him by placing himself directly under my arm. I’m pretty sure that’s about how it went … left me thinking sneaky cat! Well actually that was my second thought … my first was how warm and comfortable my hand was petting the softness. I had realized I was feeling cozy before I realized it was because of the cat. I think he’s just got me so well trained its pathetic! Darn sneaky cats.
I’m not sure if I have anything else to say … still feeling angry. Thinking it’s like a virus that is eating me up inside. I had felt rejection first. Still feeling that. Don’t know how to handle it. I think I’ve been feeling out of control. Yesterday, we didn’t do good with the amounts eaten for lunch and some of the goodies around that. Between that and another meeting with Dr. M. we were probably pretty vulnerable to ourselves and anything extra put on us.
I think that is enough said for now … were still pretty mad.
This seems to be affecting other thoughts. My mind feels blocked, stubborn. Frustrated. I want to progress in my usual way of thinking. But, there are long pauses between one sentence and the next. I’m pretty sure you who are reading this are thinking, something along the line of letting it go, or at least that’s what I would advice one of our clients after he or she’s discussed it with us, or someone else.
Ok, this is not getting better real fast. Need to do something different. That’s right … there is coffee to sip. Maybe it will melt the evilness I’m feeling that is part of me. I just sit and stare at the keyboard. Don’t know what to think that is safe. Yesterday, we played Monopoly on the computer … turned out her name was Dana. She was kicking my *Offensive A-word.* She was buying houses all over the place. She asked us if we wanted to swap property. We said, pretty much F-you, because we didn’t think she was working to our advantage or benefit.
I wonder if we’re seething … it seems like we might be. Trying to calm down … just open the mail. C’mon you can do this … if we were at work, we’d be saying to the other, “Do you want to be mad at her, wouldn’t you rather be friends?” Still mad. I’m shutting down. Too angry. Need more sleep. Gotta let this go.
Ok, we’re up again … It’s 7:30 am. We’re feeling better. Disappointed though with our selves. Dr. M. might say if he were here that usually this much emotion means something else is involved. We know we have longstanding abandonment issues that are tied up to feelings of rejection. This is how the current problems are coming in. I remember Dr. M. asking if we still wanted to come in (because we were so angry with him). We’d thought through the couple of weeks about this and was scared he was going to come to that conclusion. We felt on the edge of our known universe. We knew before it had happened that we’d have to be very careful. We can’t afford to lose Dr. M. altogether. It’s the same with the other. When asked someone shook our head quickly … no we didn’t want to stop coming. It is hard to separate though the others separation from us. We build quickly the thoughts that people don’t care. It comes out as people don’t care about me, so we’re going to stop caring about them. Like I don’t care if you don’t want to see me … I don’t need you, I don’t need anybody. I can be by myself. But, it turns out that without people the strong angry feelings of the present and the past come back. It acts like a wall a wall of defenses. I’m not going to be hurt, I refuse … damn that’s not working. I think maybe the hurt supports the wall of anger. The anger says I don’t expect anything better for myself, because in general who ever thought we were deserving of love anyway. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. So who gives a damn.
Did we take our medicine? I don’t remember … every time seems like the last. I don’t remember what time it was we went back to sleep. If it was early … we don’t think we remembered taking them. We were being hit with too many emotions. Better take them now. K. remember medicine took at 8 am.
Eating left over pizza sent home by Sr. Tess yesterday. Hmm. Nuff said about that.
Ok, ok … damage control. How are we doing. Better, better. Dr. M. impressed this time that if we wanted, we could write to him at anytime, so that we don’t feel so distant from him. We’ve done a little of that over the last couple of days … Pretty much just short sentences or paragraphs. He hasn’t responded back, so we’re not sure of what to think there. Remember, back in the days before blogging and journaling writing to our friend. He had a hard time keeping up with it all and didn’t seem too displeased when we stopped. Now, we blog, but even back in the journal days it would be like pulling teeth to get him to read. We built up a defense in that we figured he didn’t care about what was going on during our daily life. It will be hard to think Dr. M. cares either. I know that he responded to something we had said about caring as much as he had before. We didn’t do such a good job of believing it though. My Grandfather was like that too. After the sexual abuse stopped, then he didn’t seem to care for us much either. As bad as the abuse was it was attention we weren’t getting elsewhere. Hence the strong feelings of abandonment we are still fighting today. It’s been our hardest issue, beside probably lowered self-esteem. It seems as if we knew this we could make it stop. But, somehow it seems engrained in every fiber of our body and mind. The lesson learned, bottom line is that I’ll always be a second class citizen in this regard. Same with the boys. Very low status with anyone … same with our friend … and his wife.
Shoot … shoot … don’t want to be here either. I’m probably feeling sorry for ourselves by now. At least being on your own comes with perks. There is sort of a freedom about it. It’s ok if the important people want or need to be with others first priority, or are more able to accept the others’ gifts more than our own. How many times over the years have we thought of my Grandmother, or her sister my Grandfather’s mistress, or my mother becoming higher priorities. I think it is the nature as being most important as a sexual object. It only counts the feelings of others while you are able to resolve those needs. Afterword, your just a face in the crowd. Wouldn’t be so different with Dr. M. though this time it is money involved not sex. Have to admit there is though an intimacy tied up in therapy. All that is gone now. We feel the familiar withdraw from people. Just hard to trust. So mad at myself for trying to think different.
I don’t know … need to do something … Maybe we will color? We haven’t done that for a long time.
posted by Ann Marie @ 3/18/2006 09:45:00 AM
Comments: 2
