Mmmmm
Good morning. We’re starting off in a good mood this morning. We’ve kicked it up to 15 minutes. The plan is on weekdays now to get in two 15 minute periods. We’re pretty adamant about wanting to get in a half hour a day and we couldn’t figure out how to divide a 10 minute workout while we were at work mid-day. Definitely harder, but doable. This morning there was instant gratification. As soon as I had posted, Gab was already there cheering us on! Woo HOOO!!! I’m not sure if we could do 15 minutes 3 times a weekend, but naturally that is our next goal. First though is getting through the week. It’s still not my first thought to get on the treadmill when I first wake up and we’re expecting a few internal complaints at the end of a tiring day. BUT, I understand that it revitalizes you more than tires you, so we’re going to go for that.
Weigh-in this morning at 268.0 YAHOOOO! Now, we just gotta hold that point without sneaking back into the difficult number 271. We can do this … BUT, it might mean skipping the dessert that is going to be offered this afternoon. We have Sr.’s permission to go to that meeting I think I mentioned yesterday on the Importance of Belonging. I didn’t need the extra CEU’s on this one, but I was feeling the extra importance of the subject matter. It’s hard for me to feel important because sometimes its hard for me to feel what isn’t there. Intellectually, I know Dr. M. is there, but it feels more like he isn’t there. It’s sort of like putting a pillow between you and an eight month old. They don’t know where you went. It leaves me feeling sad, because he just seems to be missing.
Our system is getting through this period in our life by focusing more on the tangible things like weight, work, and school. I have to let in again the part of friendships. We were able to do this a little bit in responding to the exercise blog. Now, we have to do it here. I see the comments that some of you leave, but maybe you could pinch me as you pass by to remind me that you’re all real? Hmm, maybe I better pinch myself too. Awe that didn’t even barely hurt!
Ok, ok … let me see … if I am real, and you are real, then what? Is that ok? Not barely. I’d like to be unreal for a little bit longer. I am going to maybe fall asleep for a year, then when I wake up, I’ll be kissed by a Prince and be 120 pounds lighter! Hmm, but then I might miss the Prince who stops by every week! No, that would not be a good idea. I’m going to have to handle this time deal. Hmm, what happened to school this morning? We were working on it, I see someone forgot to cap the pink highlighter! Time check … Need to figure out time again … The meeting starts at 9 am. Sign-in is the hour before. It’s going to take 15 minutes getting there. Plus, I most likely will get lost. Shower an hour before … that means … Damm shower in 15 minutes. Ok, it’s ok … I can come back to writing. I’m still a little concerned, because usually they have a nice dinner, dessert AND morning goodies! You think this isn’t all well thought out! HA! You’d be wrong! *Sigh* So little time to really mess-up in life…
Did I mention sweetie-pie came over last night? He was very impressed with the start the dishwasher trick, but obviously he wanted to know what I was REALLY up to! Surely this couldn’t come without a price. Now, that we can stand so much better, we sidled up behind him and rubbed some of the good stuff while he was cooking. Hehehehe yup yup … this is why people should be skinnier! They get to do all the fun stuff! We still haven’t convinced him to cook naked, but we’re working on it!
Poor V. I know HE is real. He is probably sighing about now, suggesting that we discuss the weather. It looks still like snow on the ground from the weekend, but I hear we’ve got some nice days ahead. V. says 70’s in Philly. Ok, ok … truth is weather conversations, do little to excite me.
We did appease the School Gods by handing in another assignment yesterday. This morning when I checked I had four comments YAYYYYY!!! No one challenged my paper as saying anything wrong YAYYYYY!!! BUT, I challenged two other people … one responded back nicely. And, the dialogue was carried forward positively. It had to do with my startle over what happened to people in the 70’s and 80’s as they were deinstitutionalized from state facilities. I’m like admitting to some ok, that was probably real too. But, we’re bordering just on the edge. Over here in happy land, we think that must have been a long time ago. But, the centuries get mixed up … wasn’t that about the time we had just graduated high school, spent 3 years in college and had begun to go crazy? How close could we have been to this time in history where we could have been locked up by our husband and then let out on the street to live in a slum. First time I was diagnosed it was as bi-polar in ’85. We were living in Elgin, which was a nice size town that housed a State institution for people who were insane. I remember wondering what all those old buildings were locked behind the tall gates. I remember slowing down to park and read the sign. I didn’t stay for long. Now, I have a meeting I keep avoiding because I know I will have to go to this location to attend sessions on abuse and neglect. I still feel scared about it. Thinking of how close I’ve come to so many edges. Like when the private hospital said after keeping me 7 weeks that I either be ok, or they would send me to a state facility, because I’d worn through my insurance. That’s when the husband put us on Medicaid. Took a while to put that all behind us. There was and still is no real protection from the edge, than the fear it is a bad place to go. Somehow, we must have been sane enough to think, no no no … we’re not going in that direction. I remember then being released and not being able to leave the house, unless we were carrying our stuffed dog and someone would hold our hand to walk across streets. I only went out as far as the pharmacy. I probably am not nor was I totally ever sane …
But, that was a long time ago, right? Way back in the 80’s … shoot, now 20 years in the past. That’s right … we’re caught up to reality as much as someone needs to get in the shower. It’ll be ok, right?
We’re back … going to try staying more on track here. Though I have to admit there was a feeling that not all my shower was taken in peace. I was feeling the contradiction of now to then. I can’t help but to feel a certain amount of freedom even now when I step in and out of a shower, in that I can do so by myself. That’s not something that was permissible in that other bad place. Ok, ok … we’re still doing it … need to step past.
I’m wearing the nice jean skirt with a light blue what ever they call tank tops now days, and I’m wearing my favorite of the new shirts. It is a white cotton with a medium sized powder blue flower print. The sleeve cuffs are ¾ and fold back to reveal some kind of pinkish color I also don’t know how to label. I’m going to be with grown-up people today and will most likely be reminding myself to tuck in the napkin, because we are perpetual spillerers. Nope, nope … this can’t be helped. I’m resigned to it. That’s it … end of story!
Usually at these meetings they place people around round tables. And, as you look for the right table to join, you noticed that the people look different as to their coming from the rural areas, suburbs, or city. Most of the attendees will be QMRP’s like myself. Many will be attached to cell phones as if their existence was justified in the number of important decisions they will make while interrupting the meeting. The best case scenario is that the presenter reminds them to turn it off ahead of time, although it never fails … someone’s will ring. Most often the person lectures and shows powerpoint slides. And, as interesting as the material is, especially at the beginning about after lunch you feel tired from the big lunch and would like to lay down and take a nap. We take good notes to prevent our mind from wandering off. All the more reason to get there early to find a good seating space. Somewhere along the line they say … ok, let’s get together in groups and … whatever. Usually, people will look around confused, or pretend the other people aren’t there. Everyone is thinking OH PLEASE not ANOTHER LIFE RESPONSIBILITY! I’m BURNED OUT! We just came for the dessert! Heheheh
Oh well, at least my sense of humor is back! I really did need to get out for a while. It was just dumb luck to come across this meeting over the weekend and to have found Sr. sitting at the computer when we wrote our request to go. YAYYY SR!
I never go south on the expressway … nothing I know is south, but it says its only 8.79 miles shoot … how lost can I get with that. Work is further away at 12 miles. Ok, now we have to prepare ourselves. If they have those nifty rolls with the jelly and frosting … what do we say. Mmmm. Shoot that’s not working. Why don’t we try practicing courtesy. How about we just take …………………TWO! That’s a nice number. Nothing wrong with the number Two! Ok, better get this posted, I can see the skeniving that is going on here not too far into the background!
posted by Ann Marie @ 3/07/2006 07:55:00 AM
Comments: 2
