Ayn's Multiple World

Lost Sheep

Good morning and Merry Christmas! We decided we should write this morning because the cable service is for the time being refusing to connect. It is about 1:30 am. We’re going to have faith though that this is the cable company’s error and they are working to fix the error. The cable on my TV is fine. And, yes, we’ve paid the cable bill. The little box though is only blinking one green light. We did our part in disconnecting and reconnecting it for over a minute. That is supposed to help in some situations. We just have to be patient now and give it some time. We’ve gone through this before.

We were sending out cards at the time it went down. So, have to check our mindset. The best thing was that we remembered it WAS Christmas, so we could eat the Christmas cookies made by our friend. Hey friend! We waited until it was the right time!!!

The kitties are pretty active right now. They are playing a game with something. I think they are chasing the top of a milk carton or some other similar object. They want to tell me that it is time to fill the kitty dish. Shoot, maybe Santa would be upset if we didn’t feed them? Better get on that right away. It’s just that I like the sound of them up, and I know if they get the wet food, they will want to go back to bed. Hmm. Think the Santa argument holds up the best. BRB

Ok, that worked out, they are fed and we are all good buddies again. We also started the coffee and poured ourselves some cereal. This is all good.

I want to apologize for the despondency of the last post. And, I want to thank Christina and Deb for giving me another approach. I still don’t quite understand my son’s usage of the word, “bother.” But, we’re working on the part of it as something just said in haste and frustration. We have no idea of how the rest of his life is going. Most likely he felt pressured by time and his busyness and he wasn’t happy at me putting him off. He knows that in the past we’ve gotten depressed by being on our own over the holidays, and as Christina said, that’s about the last thing a male at 25 wants to worry about, plus, the fact that I was over sensitive because holidays are emotional. So, we’re going to let it slide until there is someone to talk to directly. It’ll be ok… cuz, I’m ok … and also as Christina mentions, God is always here with me. She’s right.

We’re already thinking of the Christmas presents and cards, but don’t feel it is the right time yet to be opening them. They are the ones given by others at the center. They hold a special part of the day. Maybe after it gets light out and we know there are people about. AHA! Most likely coffee is ready! Hmm, Missy has decided to sit with me for a while. She’s watching the computer from the back of the couch. I think one of the kitties ate too fast, because there was a little problem on the floor in the hallway. Hmm, poor kitty. Maybe we’ll wait until stomachs calm down and give them an extra meal later. One of them’s tummy is probably empty. L

Hmm, ok, what else … We were thinking today that we might do a little coloring. It has been awhile. Those wonderful colored pencils always tweak our interest and we’ve not colored enough to try out the pencil sharpener. There are other toys yet to play with. We went to work yesterday to pick-up the headset and “Moviemaker,” we’d left there. I guess we were in a pretty big rush to start our vacation, plus we didn’t want to be late for Dr. M.

Casey had the majority of that meeting. I don’t think we’ve talked about it yet. The thing was that the system had decided for his Christmas present, we were going to shake his hand. We are half way through year six and hadn’t been able to do this yet. I don’t know maybe we talked about this already … what is mostly happening now is that we’re imagining Dr. M. again holding out his hand. Casey had told him, he would have to be very still and stand in a particular place. She’d gone through her fears of Grandfather catching us and being able to again see safe images, both before and present. She struggled then to keep Grandfather separate from Dr. M., though she still had problems understanding that he wasn’t “real.” She said she sees him in her head, so that must have meant he was real. I think progress was made in her understanding that at least grandfather wasn’t in the room. His hand looked so steady extended. There was a warmth feeling when she put her hand in his, then the quick release after a few seconds. And, then things went very fast in our mind and we were quickly out the door.

Shoot, shoot … suddenly we feel very tired. I think we need to lay down for a little bit. Maybe when we get up the cable will be working?

We’re up again. It is now 4:30 am. And, we’re thinking V is going to worry about us. There has been some progress made in that there are now at least two lights on the cable box. When we’re up close other lights seem to be on, but I think they are more or less reflecting the lights that are on. Just in case, we tried disconnecting the computer, then signing on again … this was t no avail. It is very discouraging on Christmas morning not to be connected. But, we’re going to hold up.

Damn … our mind is starting to close down again. We sense our eyes are closed and we’re not thinking, ok … 4 or 5 times in a row … We’re going to need concentrating very hard or go back to bed. How about we try some more coffee?
Better. Ok, so Christmas morning. Temporarily, we’re cut-off from people and feeling kind of down. Maybe it is time to open presents? Would that make us feel better. When we used to celebrate with others that is what we would do. Christmas morning was for packages. Hmm, no one is here to tell us different, maybe it would be ok J

Umm BRB…

Awe … that was nice! Hmm, puts a smile on my face.

But, still no cable … no V. L

Ok, there is going to need to be a plan. It’s almost 6 am. The first phase of the day is nearing an end. I have to be thinking the cable could start working any moment, or it could be out for several days, at least until my friend figured out I was disconnected from the world and came to check on me. Ok, if I really opened my possibilities I would go to a pay phone and dial some number. I suppose I could look up Comcast. Most payphones don’t work, and they make you stand out in the cold. How would we put-up with that long enough to be on the cable numbers long hold. We’d need to be able to sit. I used to remember phones that had long cords and allowed you to dial from the car. I have no idea where these are. Maybe gas stations though, that would be the best guess. I’d have to have some coins. A lot if I would be put on hold. Maybe I could just call my friend and ask him to call for me? I think it would have to wait a while for him though, because he’d be in the middle of Christmas with his family.

Ok, let’s think positively. If my cable is down maybe others in the neighborhood are down too, so the cable company already knows there is a problem and they are working on it. True there was one light and now there are two. Maybe they were short-handed because of the holiday. Maybe there were a lot of families trying to connect to their loved ones. Going to need toughening up. Maybe, go into a semi-comotose stage? No … no sleeping on the couch. The computer can do a lot even without being connected. We are going to need distracting our mind a little bit. Still isn’t going to help V. He’ll worry, but most likely figure I’m having connection problems. He won’t be able to do anything to help. We’re pretty much on our own for a bit. We’ll be ok? Hmm, do I have any music without the computer internet? Hmm, how bout on cable tv? Remember those music channels in the 700s? Let’s try. AHA! Christmas music! No interruptions! See, we’re going to do this.

Ok, next …Remember we got a new CD not installed yet? The Organizer? Let’s load that now and see if it has any recording capabilities. Good? K.

We're back to the original post. We're enjoying the background music and feel fit and snug with the earphones. So far the nifty-neato toys are allowing us to write, record our voice, insert pictures, then maybe everything can be slipped over to the notebook in Organizer. Why don’t we try that now :) Shoot, we don't like the first trial. Maybe if we try to shorten the width prior to posting?

Hmm, that helps. But, the audio recording isn't transferring. We are also noting that the recording is continuing from the previous recording rather than starting over with a new note. So, we have to try to think out how the computer programs would be integrated best. I don't think we can copy the organizer over to this document. Let's try that once.

Sunday, December 25, 2005 1:30 AM - 2:30 AM - Wake-up and go to computer.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 2:30 AM - 3:00 AM - Lose Internet signal, start a post off-line,
Sunday, December 25, 2005 3:00 AM - 5:00 AM - Go back to bed.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 5:00 AM - 6:00 AM - Wake-up, try connections over again, decide to open presents, find Christmas music, and set-up Organizer program.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 6:00 AM - 7:30 AM - Start to play with off-line toys. Ran a diagnosis of situation through Word document. Decide we have to not fall apart. Think through some new structures. Check out recording programs along side opening a new One-Note Register.

AHA! That works! I just copied over my schedule to one note. Seems like so far this is the program to carry master copy of everything.

Let's check out that contact list again. I wonder if we can tie it together by date? Ok, ok … Good, that was good playing. We found that we could link most of the areas by using contact history. That seems pretty good.


Audio recording started: 7:36 AM Sunday, December 25, 2005

Audio recording started: 7:37 AM Sunday, December 25, 2005

We're back to writing now so we can concentrate on our slower thinking. Someone found our small bag of little tiny chocolate chip cookies Wooo HOOOO!!! That will help.

Ok, let's frame the new order. It's 7:51 am. According to the calendar, we were scheduled this last half hour to be doing something new. Let's plan out the next block of time. Anything have to get done? Naw, it's Christmas morning! Not a care in the world! Hmm, thinking for a sec of the Diary project, but that is online and got a poor reception from V. But, to be fair, he was on the way out the door. All he said so far was "K." Shoot … that's terrible. No information shared here at all. :(

Ok, next project … off-line project. I could write for a while, no problem there, but I don't have anything special going on in my mind. Kind of eager just to be doing something. If I were on-line, I would have been visiting by now. But … ok, moving on.

I don't want to think too much about Christmas. I do figure about now people all over the world are getting up to open presents and share the holiday morning with each other. We're ok with that .. Merry Christmas everyone. BUT, that's enough thinking about you all. Same goes for families of past both birth and of our own creation. I'm just not a part of all that. What I do have is my home, Christmas music and toys to play with. I know that this is the Lord's Day, but since we are not churchgoers, that avenue, does not suit us this morning either. I know that God know I am here. I know he's here too, but maybe he's peeking in over at the neighbor's to see what's under their Christmas tree. It's ok God. I understand. The Christmas music though was a good touch!

I just feel bad about V. We would have talked already. I'd ask him how he slept, how his Christmas Eve party was, if he got any interesting gifts, what did they have for dinner, and if there was anything happening out in the community. Though it would go on and might cover an hour or two of time. After a while, we would be both wandering off to our separate directions, though my favorite time is when we're both on line, so if anything interesting come up, I could just say, "Hey V!" or him "Yo Ann!" Ahh V's a Saint.

Hmm, I wonder if there is any more coffee. Maybe I'll check that out one more time. BRB … No reason I shouldn't take my medicine too. Maybe that will help more than I can realize. Ok, mark time 8:11 am. We put a dinner in the microwave for a formal breakfast too. Hmm, about 8 minutes. Then after that is over, we are going to need to start focussing on something … We better give ourselves to 8:45-9:00. Give us the advantage of being properly medicated. The ones we really consider important are the anti-psychotic, depression, and anxiety. Well, one more, there is one that helps me to focus. That's like an extra plus. I can feel the affects of the depression and anxiety medicines, but I'm not sure of the affect of the anti-psychotic. Maybe next time we get an new batch, we could read the instructions, or talk to Dr. M. if we remember. We've, of course, tried that before, but the reason we take it always gets a little muddled. The other five medicines are for physical problems *sigh*.

Shoot, here we are wondering if we are going to go crazy and that which keeps us on this side the fence. This can't be good. We're doing better though … regular Dr. appointment in a couple weeks, eyes checked, and memory checked. Yup, yup zooming right along. I don't want to be gruesome and won't go down that track for long, but the eye doctor scared me the other day and I think he did it on purpose. He said the leading cause of blindness in people aged 65 was diabetes. Thanks Doc. Do you think those people take psychology in college, or just tech courses? Now, I should focus on my upcoming blindness?? Ok, ok .. We didn't think that was going to be a good track, next? AHA breakfast is ready. BRB

:) Good stuff. My mind has been wandering. Somehow we got stuck on a very old thread. It concerned an old neighbor. We had met him back 21 years ago. I had a crush on him. He was married with two kids and at home working on his doctoral degree. We would get together outside during the mornings because we had kids that were of similar age and the kids enjoyed playing together along with several other families of kids. I had a crush on him, because he was so nice. He had a nice Boston accent and could talk about everything with intelligence. But, there is another memory that goes with that story. His wife invited me out to a movie at a fancy suburban theatre one Saturday afternoon. She was very business savvy and worked for kodak in an exec. Position. I thought great! I wanted to know her better. The movie she took me to though was some kind of a "dark" picture where somebody wasn't faithful to his spouse and ends up with a terrible life. I think someone died. That scared the hell out of me. I hadn't put together thoughts of being unfaithful, but I could sense how angry she was. Soon after I agreed to the move my husband was pushing. Later he thought I was too close to certain people. I saw the neighbor a few times after that, but I knew I would have to say good-bye.

I'm really not sure why I am thinking of this now over 20 years later. Maybe because I had known he was a friend and although I had a husband, I didn't have a friend in the world. I have it better now, especially because of computer people. I don't need people to talk to me everyday, I do need people who are nice. Niceness counts a lot.

Oh man … My Internet is back up. V's not here. Maybe he is taking a nap. It's 9 am. I made it through. Life is good! I believe in Christmas miracles!

Us

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/25/2005 09:01:00 AM Comments: 4