Amen
Son #1 [4:07 P.M.]: hey wanted to wish happy christmas and were going to have to try and get a time to see each other either over next few days mon tues wed or like next weekendAynetal3 [4:07 P.M.]: k
Son #1 [4:08 P.M.]: im leaning more towards next sat or sunday wont really be able to tomarrow i have three diff gettogethers but whats your schedule
Son #1 [4:08 P.M.]: what would you like
Aynetal3 [4:09 P.M.]: Not sure yet ... we'll see later
Son #1 [4:09 P.M.]: ok but sometime news year weekend we can you think?
Aynetal3 [4:10 P.M.]: I'm being real confused now not a good time for me ..
Aynetal3 [4:10 P.M.]: can we talk later
Son #1 [4:10 P.M.]: ok im sorry to bother
Son #1 [4:10 P.M.]: ttyl
Aynetal3 [4:10 P.M.]: it was a bother?
Aynetal3 [4:11 P.M.]: i'm sorry
Son #1 [4:11 P.M.]: love you have a good christmas
Aynetal3 [4:11 P.M.]: thank you you too
Son #1 signed off at 4:11 P.M
Pshwoo … ok, we gotta work through this one. A few moments ago after no contact for about a month, my #1 son IMs. This is the son out of the three who usually cares the most. The others won’t contact me. There was no hello, no goodbye. Damn the tears. I don’t know what we did wrong. We don’t understand this. We paused in between to take our medicine. It’s almost time anyway, right? It’ll be ok, it’ll be ok. Ok, mark the time … we’ll be calmer at 5 pm. We fixed ourselves a drink. I’m not much a drinker. Half margarita mix, half water, ice. We’re ok here. It’s ok …
This is the hard part of being alone. It is one thing to be alone, because usually I don’t feel as if we’re alone. We feel ourselves a part of the community. I will see our friend again after Tuesday, people closest have left for parties. Don’t think of parties 4:42. It’s going to be ok. Feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me. Keep wiping away my eyes. This is where we have to be strong, right?
Ok, go over the rules. This isn’t the time to make serious decisions. No ultimatums, no anger, hurt. Things hurt. As soon as I saw his screen name, we got muddled. Had thought we might hear from him sometime, but not like this. How did he get so angry. No bad things had been said before. Ok, we’re not going to panic. I feel like I been shocked. Ok, we don’t have to go there … look around, be here, be here. I look up to see what I could to mark my place. The picture of the boys as children smiling down on me. Oh Lord … what have I done. It came too fast … I wasn’t sure of my footing, felt suddenly too emotional … I thought ok, calm be calm … don’t say anything dumb, but by then it was already over.
4:51 …
Ok, ok shhhh, shhhh … deep breaths. We can do this. I can’t breath.
Ok … we’re better 5:00 pm. The crying has stopped. We’re breathing again. Our eyes are still hot … feeling vulnerable. Hear the sounds of football in the background. See the light, tissues, books, colored pencils. See the keyboard. We paused to rub our hand. Left hand still feels numb. Yesterday, we had our eyes checked after 10 years not doing it. He said I need trifocals. He said with them, my eyesight would improve three lines. He said my eyes are at 400 without glasses. That’s ok, I knew I needed glasses. He said the glasses will give me 20/20 eyesight. That’s the good thing. We’ll use the old frames. I’m ok with that.
Ok … we’re going to have to move on to thoughts not so caustic. If I thought of Christina, she might ask me to consider giving it up to God.
Dear God, help the boys to not be so angry. Help their father. Help me. Help me be good. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost Amen
posted by Ann Marie @ 12/24/2005 05:16:00 PM
Comments: 3
