Ayn's Multiple World

Fishyman is in Canada - and Ann is really now working!

Good morning this is me again. I don’t know how long I will be writing for because I want to get some work done, but then again I’m home from work, so want to get some play done too. I think I will post about the time I post this entry the one I’d written in short last week before the wedding. I think I’m just out of my writing habits so it’s a bit getting back into it. I love this sense I’m feeling now just in a few seconds time. It’s like being rewarded with a gift barely scratched.

There’s so much going on now I thought it might be good to get something down. I had talked to Dr. Marvin a couple weeks ago about getting back to Blogger, but he suggested that we might write in a more condensed manner so we say what needs to get said, but don’t spend so much time on it. For so long through our writing history we had found ourselves writing from start to finish of any given day. We became so passionate about writing that we left out time to be doing other things.

Now it seems with Rich’s boat and time spent up in WI with my sister … other priorities have become evident especially with my weekend time. I don’t know how long its been, but it seems to that we are more ready to be at work while at work.

So that part has a certain priority as well.

Some of the things that I would like to mention now are:

• Rich’s job position
• The work lately at St. Rose with annuals and client files
• The work on Holly’s portion
• The 50% planned cut in the Department of Health and Human Services
• The deaths of Ed McMahon, Farah Faucett, and Michael Jackson
• Rich going to Canada
• Maury coming to live with us
• And our project for the week of fixing the back bedroom
• Meetings with Dr. M
• Relationships with family

Maybe we’ll not do that in quite the same order though and maybe other things will come up. The first thing always seems to be Rich. He left about 6-7 hours ago for Canada. His partner this year is his best friend Bob, but I think this one other guy is going to be traded around. He has some problems not being able to stop complaining about his health so the guys are trading him up so no one gets stuck all the time. I don’t think any of the guys would abandon him, but his personality is hard to deal with and takes extra energy.

Rich left pretty ready to be gone. We had written with him to-do lists last Tuesday because he had so much to do and we figured that the best way to get him past other difficulties this week was to give him a clear path toward vacation. We wrote for him while he figured and we came up with a list for things to pack, a list for groceries, and a to-do list that was broken-out to cover each specific day Tuesday through this morning.

Pretty much everything got covered that at least had to be covered, though we ended up with the kitty litter this week. He had made heroic efforts to get everything done. The last half hour, then the last ten minutes, and then the last four minutes were all played out in a manner that only time running can play. I love our dear bear so much that I find being with him is a capture of putting all dreams and hopes and reality together and wishing desperately that he has absolutely no hard moments and will be safe wherever he is.

As to him being not here, we’ve been pretty much lost to the moment of the day after the loss of Michael Jackson. I didn’t think so much of Ed McMahon though I’d recognized he was an important part of television history. I’ll always think of him though as Johnny Carson’s side-kick. I felt more curious of Farah’s death mostly because of her last efforts to propel forward the understanding of living with Cancer. I didn’t watch her special but might try to train my mind to it when it plays again. I certainly watched Charlie’s Angels, but it was just a show on at the right time. I think that the women seemed at the time more like TV personalities than anything else and although women being smart and tough were important for the age, I didn’t really put much into the particular personalities. Eh … pretty girls.

Ok, we’re back again … it is now Saturday instead of Friday when we first started this entry. We decided to continue from here because we hadn’t seemed to get nearly as far as we’d planned. Somewhere in there we’d switched over from writing to going through boxes again from the back bedroom. I’ve made some serious dents. I’ve gone through about 16 boxes so there is really progress being made. The living room looks terrible, but I’m pleased with the progress.

We have been finding things now that related to our past life. I had thought we’d thrown out the divorce papers, but apparently we’d kept them. That was one of the first things I explored. I held in mind throughout that now Maury is going through his divorce so we’re thinking similar thoughts about what we’d been going through next to what he must be going through now. I decided when making the evaluation of what stays and go to keep the divorce “books” that I’d made. We had chronologicalized the course of events. It seems the divorce proceedings started in June of 1992 and continued through March 1994. We put together the book by months and every new section started as a cover sheet the billing sheet from our attorney.

That had all been put together after being threatened by the alarming amount we were being charged by our own divorce attorney – Mr. James Kiss. He was a crook on all accounts. But, I don’t want to get into that now. I don’t want to be in that negative space.

We didn’t stay with just that writing. We’d found one box after that with about 30 legal pads that had been written about the time we were living in Winona finishing the degree. We didn’t read any of the pads, but identified the time to be about 1998. I think we’d lost a whole nother series of writings because we’d been writing to Rich and Dr. Woollcott and then to Dr. Marvin, but we were doing it on the computer through emails and I don’t believe those were ever printed out before the computer system we were using went down and we lost the material.

The last box that I’d discovered seems to be almost completely full of stenobooks, and I’m not sure what’s in all them. We got lost on some other stuff before we had to stop . I’m not sure when those years were to have been writing all that. I was being a little overwhelmed so didn’t get too far.

One of the things I’d come up to was my baby book. It’s not very filled in, but there are a few things in it and I had to hold onto myself when going through it.

I also don’t want to go into that right now, but I know there were differences in how we were being explained at certain ages. For example we were very agile at two years of age, but by 2 ½ we were “clumsy.” We had been recorded by having a lot of bumps and bruises – though she didn’t explain we were getting beaten on. By four years of age my mother described me as “snotty and aloof.” Yeah, like right welcome to my childhood. What kind of thing is that to write about your child – especially at such a young life period?

She didn’t write anything after those comments. I did find that I was in the hospital due to a respiratory problem for four days during my first year - sometime in 60. Apparently during the first year I’d had measles, then I got German measles and then there was the hospitalization and then even those two cases was supposed to have been mild, the last reported case of illness was having a severe case of mumps. I think the respitory problem was between the first two and the third.

It doesn’t look like I fully recovered, but went into one thing from the other. I also know that my mother was pregnant with Connie Sue before the end of my first year. I was born in July of 1959 and she was born January of 1961. That means 18 months after I was born she was born, so about my 9th or 10th month she was already pregnant. About then was when I was having all these problems. As to my older brother on the time line … He was born October 1957 so that put him 18 months before me … which means when he was 9 months she was pregnant with me. My mother was born in August 1940 and my father was born in August 1939 so that meant my father was 20 when I was born and my mother was 19. This also means that she was 17 when she had my brother and my father was 18. It also means that she was 16 when she had gotten pregnant with him and my father was 17. Man – they were so not ready for all that.

There were some idiosyncrasies with my being able to speak as well. There was a very long period between being able to say my first words to being able to say sentences – although after I had said a sentence it was but a couple of months I knew how to ask why and what. I don’t have memory of the dates, but I’m thinking it was like 7 or 8 months when she said I said “mama”, but like 22 months before I put together sentences and 26 months before asking first questions. It seems really early with the first date and really late with the send set of dates.

Trying not to over think all this, but I’m figuring some things I don’t really want to think of were going on. Hmm, one other thing too … was that she said we were elusive at 18 months and easily hurt when being punished and by like 2 or 2 ½ she had said something about that I was truthful, but something else negative about not wanting to be punished. Something I think like hiding, but different. I was somehow resisting being punished EVEN though I was honest. It was nice of her to note that. It seems kinda strange now that much could be put down about formal punishment. I just remember one of my first memories was having been hit and kicked into a corner of the hallway and curling into a small non-communicative ball. I wonder if this is what she meant by being elusive.

Ok, ok … you can imagine we were somewhere else with all these thoughts yesterday.

We’ll put away the book again and look at it much later.

I’m being a little bothered now because either the people downstairs or across the hall really have their music up too high. It’s not quite 9 am and we are just hearing heavy base and it is distracting and feeding my natural frustration with this other stuff. It’s disturbed the kitties too … they are heading for the back.

I don’t know if I should say something to them it would require getting dressed and I’m pretty against all that. Maybe they will cut it off or someone else would complain. I know the opposite side folks under or next to this have an infant so I’m pretty sure they are not going to put up with that for too long.

Poor Missy she’s here complaining now. Ok, let’s try going into something else.

Hmm, Missy seems to be calmed down somewhat. She crawled on top of my chest as she will do periodically. She only stays 8-10 minutes and she just collapses under our petting under her to the tummy and sides areas. I think there’s a very warm connection of her heart beating next to our heart that is and has always been very important to her. She sure is a lover cat. She doesn’t get to spend nearly the time Chief does because he watches that, but she does make her moves.

I feel a little better now although we’re still hearing the thumping from next door. Apparently, at least it has slowed down so it’s not so quickly beating at us.

Hmm, just went for coffee and the last of the cherries Rich had gotten. I picked up a few of the notebooks in the last book. Some of the books are empty and others look like the time between 1992 and 1994. So I’m thinking we must have been writing in the process of those last years before getting the divorce. I noticed under a small pile of some of the small stenos folders from St. Mary’s … I recognize the worn out red from the past.

I didn’t want to go that direction because then that might lead to all those things during the time period of BJ. I think I’m just going to seal this box again and not do much other with it, but to store it. I don’t need to go through everything to clean out that back room. I have to keep my eye here on the sparrow. Maybe by later today we can finish the closets … that be a pretty big deal. I don’t know if we’re going to make it through the whole thing, but we’re a good 1/3 or more beyond the hardest most compact part. There will be stuff in the middle of the two closets with clothes hung-up … that shouldn’t be too hard. There’s some pressed boards in there too from old shelves. Maury will have to decide whether to keep them or use them or help us throw them out.

I think it’s generally different planning a life with Rich rather than one on my own. I am more apt to clean house with him knowing we can be building a new life and lifestyle together rather than absolutely needing all fragments of the past as resources that might be necessary to have in my future.

Part of that wrestling was to manage our thoughts toward most of our older clothes we had almost every piece salvageable from about the time we went to college out of high school and beyond – so in that some of the clothes WERE from high school. I think there has always been the thought that we would go or grow back into them. I don’t know maybe it’s part of something we all go through and maybe part of it is the tie we have in being a multiple. Maybe some parts thought that we could go back or hold onto time through the clothes. I also know how difficult it was for us to obtain clothes so how hard it might be to let them go.

It’s not that I just wanted to toss my past, but we want to clear it up some. Maybe for a bit we could talk about what’s coming up … I didn’t want to be so specific with it at Facebook, because I wanted Maury to announce changes as he might like.

But, if we haven’t mentioned it already, Maury is definitely coming to live with Rich and us. There are a lot of feelings toward all that. He stated something already about making sure I knew how often he is out of the house and how most of the time it will be just another place for him to crash and keep things of his he needs to get to.

I remember that of him that one other year he lived with us. It was like I’d been looking for more of a conventional family sense, but the fact was that at that time he had really wanted to be with Lauren and his daughter who were living at his Moms. It’s kinda funny now, but I think with the changes coming up for Maury and his family that his MIL would have taken him too on the “off-days” he wasn’t with his children at the house. I don’t know how Maury has come to the choices that he has, but he didn’t accept that option.

I’m afraid he’s thinking it’s a pretty big regression coming here and he knows he’s going to need to get a grip on Rich’s and my intimate levels. I think he’s being reminded somewhat of that very uncomfortable past where there were a couple other guys in my life. I very much think of them as transference of life draft. I knew that I hadn’t loved them as I might someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I believe that in getting some of the tangible things I needed from them it meant letting go of some of my personal comfortableness. We hate that part of our life, but at the time it helped get us from the house to the apartment in River Grove to the house in River Grove before we lost everything. Fortunately, we lost all those connections at the same time. It’s just that at that time I didn’t know how to get “male-type” help without putting out something and to that we sacrificed our children parts. It’s got to be the stupidest thing that … ok ok … let’s not go there. I guess we did what we did to get by just knowing now how shameful it was … and to some degree the boys remember that part of our life and I’m simply embarrassed for myself. I feel bad for any part that might be relived with Rich because I’m being his mother at the same time a lover to Rich. We’ll try to be careful.

Rich explained to us that one of the things we have to give up is being naked.

That’s one of our favorite things. I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but fact down … it’s just a thing. CERTAINLY … this won’t occur with son around. The thought makes me cringe deeply. Maury said once not too long ago that he’d seen or the boys had seen or known that I had been in the shower with one of these guys from my past. Oh man how horrifying. For ALL of us! I think that was basically the end of it … I trusted my boys instincts that we didn’t need this guy around. He and his family were thinking marriage and we were thinking … we just needed a house for me and the boys. The guy had bought a house with us and we meant it purely for him as an investment, but he wanted more … that was part of what was making us crazy about that time. We just needed to live, but things got complicated in getting from one point to another. I remember not wanting him around so much and not feeling I could control it.

Ok, shhh … no use to go back there now … it’s enough to know it’s part of the processing though that Maury might have to be going through.

Wow … Josh Lev just gave an update of all the sites that crashed like Google, Twitter and Widopedia because of them all being hit by the need for people to understand MJ dying. He said that at the CNN site they had 20 million page turns in one hour. That was supposed to be like 5 times their record previous. It sure has been a pretty big deal. You can imagine that we’ve had MJ stuff on with CNN all along. There was a while we hadn’t realized after being on the phone that the volume was turned way down. We’d engrossed ourselves in going through the boxes and even when we did notice not being able to hear the words, we just went on for a while with just the visual.

Now I realize that the show flipped off for the first time because of a recording being done on VERSUS for one of Rich’s fishy shows. We might just watch this in the background for a while to catch some differences of thought for MJ and all to the fishyworld we know our sweetie to be living. He’s going to be in it now for a couple of hours. We’re wondering if he’s remembered to breathe. He had written a note saying that he would be out at 8 am fishing and that he would try to call me tonight.

Hmm, maybe we should take a moment now to jot him a note. I want him to have some nice thing when he gets in to check his mail now that we know he’s got a connection.

Mmm that’s done.

Hmm, now this is the third day … It’s Sunday and I’m afraid I’m losing my wonderful long weekend. It’s been very nice being off – especially in helping me deal with Rich being gone. I’m not getting very far with the writing, but then again … I have been making definite progress with the extra room.

I finished to the degree I want to clear out stuff in the room. There are a few things left like pictures on the top of the closet shelf, there is extra shelves in the closet that aren’t put up and there is a box of dishes in the closet on the floor. There’s also a large TV in there that has to come out and the bedding will be cleaned and the actual bed probably thrown out.

There was a whole lot of work done in the room. We took out 25 bags of garbage – well as far as the kitchen. Maury came over last night and took a look at the space. He also took all the bags and some boxes down stairs. It was a lotta work, but not overly difficult for him. He was taking 4 bags a time down the three flights of stairs. I had him putting the bags next to the garbage can because I didn’t want to flood the space in the garbarge. Someone’s going to think that we’re moving. I can’t believe that I had that many bags of expendable stuff.

I guess Maury thought so too because I found him opening some of the bags that were marked – animals. He salvaged three animals. He wasn’t scolding me out loud for letting the boys’ childhood stuffed animals go, but he did let me know that I had gone overboard just a little in that he was looking through the bags. He had to rip a hole in the bag to see what was in there. He saved just a little dog, and he saved a purple dragon and he saved “Speller.” Speller was a black panther that had been a puppet that I used with the boys to help teach them spelling. I had just not been able to tell the difference between one to keep or more or just to let them all go.

Maury put them back in the closet. I think he’s thinking of the girls – but we were saying where have you been the last 10 years of them sitting in the closet? I told him how hard it was to be doubting my throwing efforts because I’d worked so hard to say good-bye to them already. Maybe he was dealing with feelings himself over his childhood. I think he really appreciated that I’d given him such a nice room space, but in the meantime he had to be letting go of his childhood too a bit. Maybe with all the other changes he’s making it is a little harder now. To be fair though I had put “Garbage – Animals” on the bags and I put office, or paper, or clothes, or pillows, or whatever on the other bags so that Maury or anyone who might want to look through the garbage would have an idea what’s down there. I know that sometimes the lady downstairs on the first floor will salvage garbage things for some poor Mexican families she knows of.

I talked to Maury about the air conditioner downstairs … We kinda hinted around a conversation on privacy and sleeping with doors open or shut. He said teasingly that he sleeps naked … so we said … maybe we did too! This is information that seems personal, but then it’s something the other party should know as to … let’s not go visiting each other after the door’s been shut! Maury didn’t have any more than 10-15 minutes so he said he would be interested in looking at the air conditioner in the storage room later. It would be good for Rich to get it out of that downstairs closet for space and good for Maury to have coolness in his room.

Rich of course is going to be another problem. He said the rooms didn’t need air conditioning, but that’s because he’s been pulling in cold air at night with a fan.

He’s not thinking of when we’re going to have to shut the doors. I think it’s going to be a real problem for the kitties because their sleeping patterns are going to be changed. They spend a lot of time sleeping back in Maury’s room. I don’t know how that transition is going to go, but I’m not looking forward to it. They are seeing changes in there already. This morning we saw one sitting in the middle of the floor just looking around. Poor kitty … Maury says that he knows of a really strong powder or something for the carpets to get out the smell so we’ll have to see.

Still think we’re going to need throwing out the bed. They’ve been using it on their own for the last 9 years.

I really don’t know how that transition is going to work. Any clues would be appreciated.

Should probably be moving on – I am trying to catch up with some kitty loving. I just had Missy up on my chest where she got a good pet. I think she goes through these periods where she’s discombobulated and then needs some calming down. Chief by now is already in the back most likely under the bed. Not too many places to hide back there.

Maury said he could live with the treadmill back there, but I would like to get it out of there so it won’t be in the way. I don’t know maybe he could use it? Or, maybe it’s just going to be hard to move. I don’t know. He and his uncle and cousins moved it up so he knows what he’s dealing with. At least this time it would be going down.

Otherwise the room still has the fireplace headboard, which I might get desperate enough to as Who-who some help with. I think she’s trying to clean up her basement, but maybe she’ll have a corner. It’s a big place and we have so little storage.

Rich has taken away the downstairs storage and half the front hall. He uses the small downstairs space for some car stuff, but mostly sports and fishing equipment.

I think that most of our storage places or corners or a cupboard needs to be reevaluated.

I think we’re still pretty involved in the back room. We cleaned out closets, the dresser and desk drawers and anything in the middle including the stack of pillows, blankets and towels, and the rolling office supply container. Just gotta pull off the blankets and get them into the cleaner. Not sure though if I’ll have enough money to get them out.

We decided to order a pizza way late last night out of the $100 that Rich left us, but I might want to use instead the money for cleaning the bedding. We’ll have to throw the feather comforter, but there’s a purple fuzzy blanket and the bedspread which I really like. It’s white with embroidered flowers.

I didn’t think about it until now … well I figured out the part where Maury isn’t going to want a white bedspread, but maybe after its thoroughly cleaned I can bring it up to Who-whos. I don’t know what she has on their extra bed, but this is really a nice bedspread with its worse problem being that its pretty big. We talked to my sister a bit about having the room fixed up nice enough so that maybe Rich and us could come up without staying in an expensive hotel and being able to do some fishing up there.

I think that there are so many trips and only so much time so I don’t know how often this will happen, but I could see us visiting throughout the fall and winter too.

There wasn’t a whole lotta time to get to know one another over the wedding weekend, but I think in general people respected each other. I don’t know if we’ve really talked to Rich enough as to his thoughts. Basically, I think he just accepted. I remember him saying something about my mother not seeming as bad as we’d made her out to be. I remember getting so frustrated with that before … where I told our teacher and counselor before she visited that they would think her not so bad. It is part of her doing that church image thing – or little girl thing that isn’t so nice. Yeah, right. Ok, shhhhh Why are we going here again. Let’s not do that.

The appropriate place and time would be at Dr. Marvin’s. Hmm?

Hmm, I wonder about poor Missy. She’s been out on my chest now three times this morning. It’s about 6:30 am. I don’t know if I took away a nest area of hers in the back. I didn’t see anything LIKE the bed where there was a lot of fur, but she does seem to be confused by something. She’s stopped crying now and is sitting next to me though on the floor giving her a bath. We’ll see.

We’re going to need focusing the rest of the day on either Rich and my bedroom or the living room. It be a more direct idea to do the living room, but I think we’re going to have a hard time placing the boxes until we get some space going for us in the closet. There are five-six boxes that may need to find room in our side of the closet. Rich took down the boards in there that I was using for shelves so that my clothes particularly dresses hang down proper, but I think the boxes ARE going to need to go back into that space. They were there before, but had moved and now seem to be finding their way back.

We had thought through the option of putting them in the hall closet, but we’re worried because of the lack of space there since Rich is using it for his extra clothing closet for out of season athletic wear. I think that I have soooo much stuff in the house that I should narrow my closet usage. I still have my coats in the front hall and stuff up on the top of the closet. Hmm, that seems to be another problem. We were trying to find room for the extra suitcases. I know Rich leaves the one he uses all the time in the bedroom back on my side between the bed and long wall. It’s hard to get in and out of bed if that entire space is filled. I can get in at the bottom or Rich’s side of the bed, but at night when I’m getting up to use the bedroom, I like to have a little more room so I don’t wake him. We’ll see. I put a couple of suitcases inside the big one so that took down some space, but we still need to find a place for the big one.

Rich has got extra equipment and hats on top of his closet, I think on top of mine are some games I don’t need – and I think there’s some blankets. On the bottom of Rich’s closet is the dirty clothes baskets and then he’s got more storage on the desk. There is in addition a tall dresser and one more with a big mirror. It looks more like a 30’s style vanity or dressing cabinet. I really dislike the bedroom furniture, but we’re a far ways from getting anything better.

I think what we were thinking yesterday was whether or not we could pull the desk out a bit and place back by it a shelf unit left over from the one Rich took down in my closet. It’s just that he has so much stuff on top of the desk and dresser that I don’t think is getting put away because they don’t have a place to go. We could put a table cloth or sheet over it to hide the contents … that might be a good idea. Hmm, matter of fact – we have that extra material that we used for the bedroom curtains. We could use that! I was going to give it to Who-who, but if I can use it that be good too.

The rolling desk cart had to come out into the living room. I think I have to redo that space, because it is just short enough to tuck under the desk a bit if I can clear off the space on top of it. It’s going to be hard to find somewhere better to place that. I do like that its right next to the desk with the idea being that space could be better used. I’d have to clean off the old bills, but that also is a goal of this week with Rich coming back. I really want to have some nice spaces taken care of. Such as I want to clean out a drawer and cupboard in the bathroom vanity for Maury and it would be nice if I could get him a shelf in the hall closet. I’m not sure if that’s really necessary, but it would be a nice gesture.

If I clean off an area, maybe I’d be able to do the towels better so that we’d have enough room for all of them and extra for Maury to use. I’m not sure how he is situated there just want to make sure he’s in good shape.

There is a lot to consider with moving someone into a place that’s not naturally that big. I think it’s going to be somewhat a hardship to share the bathroom with three adults, but I think we are just going to do it. I’m hoping enough that we have different schedules so shouldn’t be running into us too much. Maury reminded me he’s going to use the place primarily for sleeping – and for taking showers. I don’t know if he’s going to wash his clothes downstairs at the pay machines or if he’s going to bring his clothing to his Dad’s or Alex’ where it doesn’t cost anything.

Maury said he’s getting a new schedule at work so it sounds now like he’s going to be working Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then he’ll have of Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I think he will be with the girls on Thursdays and Fridays and then every other weekend. I’m not sure how the arrangements are going to be made after the house sells, but my guess would be by then Maury has enough money to be putting some aside for the apartment he’ll have to get himself and the girls.

I really do look at our place as being necessary only until he doesn’t have to be paying a mortgage. He got the name of a realtor from his lawyer and now he’s saying it will take another week or two. The girls don’t know they are going to have to move yet. I can’t imagine how all these changes are occurring to them.

Rich spends so many nights out because of his work, ballgames and fishing and Maury works long hard hours. Even as to our hours we’re spending a few more of them away than had been in the past. I think it should be ok. We need to maintain that Rich is able to be King of the throne room for as long as he needs, but make it accessible to Maury too – whose got new hardships in all that he’s already lost.

I have to kinda giggle on the every other weekend deal. It will be good that Maury’s gone a couple days so we can be making up for that making out time, but as well – woohoo!!! We’ve got every other weekend too! Ok, maybe this is something that doesn’t have to be drawn out so obviously *sigh*.

Ok, so we’re back … it’s about 7:15 am now on Sunday morning and we’ve just taken our medicine. That’s not off too much.

Beside the drawers thing that moved into the living room, we also moved the tea cart next to the treadle machine and in front of the bookshelves. I didn’t really want to cut off the bookshelves, but the table needed to go somewhere. It was a wedding present of my Grandma Ludford so there is like no chance it’s getting thrown. Just the same we’ve always used it to some capacity. Lately it’s been holding on top of it not one, but two boom boxes that are about the same size. One of them was mine and one was left by Maury the last time he lived here almost 8-9 years ago. Mine too is older than 9 years. In this area of our lives we’re pretty electronically challenged. We don’t really have a handle on music except through the radios on these boomboxes and the connection we have to rhapsody on the Internet.

I don’t know what else to do with the boomboxes. I know they are very old, but they work just as well as they had originally. It’s hard to get rid of stuff that is causing no problems with the exception they do look pretty big and bulky. Maybe Maury will contribute some idea as to how to handle this one.

The teacart worked out pretty good in that it allowed me to get rid of that chair that was holding the extra machines like the DVD and and other recording thing as well as the cords control thing … there’s a lot of electronics over there. It’s not a bad deal – I worry about the clutter affect, but I don’t know how else to do it without getting rid of stuff. You have to admit I’ve done my best to eliminate stuff considering we threw out those 25 bags.

I think when we start up again … we’ll start in our bedroom. I will need to clear out the closet for boxes and I will want to set up the shelves in back of Rich’s desk so we can clear up that space. We’re going to lose a little free space in the middle of the room, but I think just about a foot worth – as wide as the shelves.

There is another thought too that we might put the shelves in back of the bed between the bed and the wall, but most likely we’ll save that space for the suitcases. I don’t like the cluttered look, but we’ve got to do what we can consider how many people and stuff are going to be in our small space of an apartment.

Maury said that he’s only going to bring what he needs for general day to day stuff. I think he might bring his TV … maybe we mentioned that that the TVs in the two bedrooms is going to need some rearranging. I’m a little worried in that I think the TV that will be coming into our bedroom – my dad’s old TV might be too big for the space that we’ve presently gotten arranged. I think that we can move the speakers to some other space … just have to wait for Rich to make some decisions there … he’ll figure out what to do 

Ok, we’re moving along here. We went back a little bit, but it got too overwhelming to be thinking all these thoughts over again. So we figure we’re just going to need continue.

Hmm, just got some new coffee, but spilled a little. *Sigh* It’s going to be ok, right? We also opened the curtains a bit to let in some light. I don’t know if I like the looks of the room in that I can see how messy it’s gotten, but then that’s just to inspire forward, right?

When I get to the comfort level of wanting to work again, I think I should start … where?

It seems like we should be first in the bedroom and make space on my side of the closet. If I take the boards out, I can set that up behind Rich’s desk, and then I can move the boxes into the closet, and then I can clean up some of Rich’s desk area and dressers using the shelves, and then I can take out some of the extra clothes?

Hmm, maybe we should move those extra clothes before moving in the boxes? That might represent a little more normalcy as to what to expect of the closet space.

Key thing here though will be the closet.

I don’t think Rich is going to like that I put more in there because he’s worked so hard at getting out the clutter. But, I think that has to be the best plan. I think we’re going to throw out those curtain rods that are in there and whatever else is in the middle of the closet – the dead area and then we can stack the boxes in that area – this is the part that separates my double side of the closet from Rich’s. Hmm, then that’s a plan … first clothes, then shelves, then boxes, then lining the shelves – clearing off Rich’s desk and then – hmm, somewhere in there too suitcases in back of bed – that could actually be done first to gain more space.

And, then somewhere toward the end we’ll clear off the extra spaces. I think too we have a few extra smallish size drawers to put some stuff in.

Ok, stop worrying now it’s just what we gotta do next and next and to do all that we’d have to be actually active – but, we’re not ready to be doing that yet. The rest of the tasks will switch out over the week. This is the part where the bathroom and living room – and maybe living room closet gets fixed up too. But, we don’t want to overwhelm the system entirely. Hmm, and ONE more thing?! Let’s take down the Christmas stockings? That be a good idea hmm? Though it might now be closer to Christmas than farther away. Pswhoo. That got out of hand didn’t it?

Somewhere toward everything being picked up … we still too have to do bills and we have to be getting the Internet fixed on the big computer and do something with the printer. I know that Rich wants to get files transferred over, but still too we might want to wait on that until Maury gets here. Maybe he could save us some time. He IS a Comcast Internet specialist right? Ok, ok … enough about cleaning for now. Let’s think some new thoughts, hmm?

Anything new on Sir fishyman? No, not really. We brought the phone close to the couch where we slept last night, but we didn’t get too far. It doesn’t appear that he called last night or this morning. Hmm, maybe we should check our email?

Yeeks! Nothing in the mail, but I tried to delete finally my emails delete file and there were 1400 emails in there and it wouldn’t let me “select all” because there were too many there. Shoot that’s going to take some work. I can only delete about 10 at a time before I have to push delete button or scroll down. Man that’s going to take some time. Maybe Rich will sneak in a few spare moments to make a call to us. I sure hope no call doesn’t mean he slipped his phone into one of the lakes – I KNOW he’s tried that operation before!

Hmm, I gotta get that CPap machine back to Walgreen’s Home Care too. I think they will need to come out and pick it up. I think we’ll have another day coming up when? It’s costing me some small amount of dollars each week though so it really needs to be done.

I don’t think I’ve gone into this next subject too much, but it is probably pretty important. I’ve been thinking of getting the place ready for Maury so much that I have neglected this other important topic.

Rich’s workshops at JVS have been shut down as of Thursday and we don’t know, but are thinking that he’s going to be without a job come the Monday he returns. We’ll have to figure out then if he gets any severance and how much if any vacation time is he going to be able to get. He says he has about 13 weeks left AFTER this week.

Maybe this is part of what is helping us clean up and throw out. I feel as if we are getting ready for the new us. I really like this part where we are getting ready to go and are much more mobile than before. It feels fluid. With Rich not working MOST likely at JVS, we need to think out his time, space and money and all.

I think we’d be ok, but he’s still responsible for his wife and house. So there’s no doubt he’s going to need bringing in more an income than he will after there won’t be any JVS.

He’s also got an income being cut at New Hope. We’re hoping not at St. Rose. Hmm, maybe we said something about this before. We’re thinking that he may or may not put out a resume, but in general we think he’s going to try and make an income from his entrepreneur abilities. We don’t know if he’s going to be able to get his contact list brought over before they shut down and collect his computer and phone.

He’s going to need getting a new phone AND most likely a computer, but he says he was prepared for this and had saved enough money for it.

I don’t have much idea on Rich’s money situation. I think his wife though had been scheduled to cost him about $2600 a month. That’s as much as we bring home. It sure be easier if she could take care of herself. But, that’s not going to happen.

She’ll always be a dependent.

We were serious about handing our money over to Rich. I’m really hoping that he takes it over. It’s kind of the feeling of the house and getting it cleaned up. We just don’t want to deal with the clutter. Rich had said something about taking out an allowance that would be for doing what we wanted like in taking the boys out, but other than that all the money we make goes out to creditors. Almost all of it.

Just want to know that we’re paying down our debt. We figured before there is about $100,000 debt – mostly with school loans and hospital debt. I don’t know if we can get rid of this before we retire with general expenses being as high as they are.

I know that I’ll have to be going back to the gym if I’m going to be able to justify that cost. We’re on a contract now, but figure that we’ll have paid the majority of it by September … hmm, maybe just half of it … was it 2009 or 2010. Shoot, don’t know that part. Maybe we’ve got a lot more to pay. I know if we can hang on to it … our FOR LIFE payments will only be like $12-14. I really want to get to that point – for now it’s costing $49. Ok, enough of that. That will come later when we’re more caught up with life – Hmm, is that going to mean washing the silverware tray too?

Ya know what ya gotta do girl!

*sigh*

Ok, back to the harder part of Rich not having direct work. If he works on his own, he’ll most likely be splitting his time between the house and St. Rose Center, until something happens there. I believe he will still be contracting work, but he’s going to have more options as to where he places the work.

Rich said that he believes he’s saved all the contracts with the exception of the big one called Kernel Seasons. This is a company that is putting seasoning on popcorn. It is a food contract so that puts a little more limit on the situation.

Not just any job could take the work. Plus, I think that this company was very upset and might be able to sue for whatever it is where you interfere with normal processes in the manufacturing change. There was no warning … JVS just said close up the doors today I want it done by tomorrow so that they didn’t even ship out the material – they made the customer come pick it up without even finishing the contract that they were working on. Rich was ahead of himself a couple of weeks so there were other jobs to sort out, but I think the others will maintain their commitment with him as he shuffles their work to the new appropriate shops. I don’t know what kind of income Rich is going to need make to hold on to his life standard – including his wife, or to progress that. I’ve got in the back of my mind that he be able to bring work into multiple workshops throughout the city without presenting too much conflict of interest between the shops.

I don’t know if shops are going to be something of the past though as the state of Illinois tries to cut down money going into social services. I don’t know if too I’m going to be losing my job too. I think I explained before that I believe I will be last to go, but that doesn’t help the situation. I think my back-up plan is to go to some other faction of social services, but if they are all being helped, I don’t know if I can even get a job working at a nursing home. It feels now like my failsafe. I think it’s going to take Rich’s business some time before we can both afford to live off of it. We need some separation so that there’s back-up for one another.

There’s also the part where we should be assisting Rich in some of his needs. He could really use someone like me to build his business because we can be very helpful. But, until Sr. Theresa cuts us … we really have to focus on what we’re already doing. I’m hoping for better days to come.

Maybe I’m afraid of thinking of Rich without a job too far down the line. I think more than anything, I’m afraid of him getting rid of his boat. My general impression is that is a $200 payment a month, but then there seems to be a lot of repair expenses. I don’t want him to lose this resource. It’s been so good for him and long in coming. He deserves this much in life. He doesn’t have a house and his car is on payments as well. I know at least the boat though is a luxury item and that he’d still be able to fish with the guys without it. Just it be such a major disappointment. I just can’t even comprehend this might have to happen. I will fight against losing the boat to the end. EVEN if it meant just docking it until the cash flow is working better. If he did that he’d still have to pay the monthly cost, but wouldn’t be putting the extra for repair and such.

Without the boat though it would mean that he and I aren’t going to be going fishing – maybe we’re here already, though this thought breaks my heart. Why would God show me this wonderful aspect of life and then take it away like so many other things to do with my lifestyle – like with my own house, kids, job, pets, etc.

Ok, that’s all in the past and Maury IS coming home for a bit, right?

Last night I followed him into the room. He saw the bags and knew what he had to do there, but the thought I keep going back to is him just standing in the middle of the room and mentally figuring stuff out inside his head. I said something apologetic in that it didn’t seem as much as I would have wanted to offer him, but then he said the nicest thing. He said that it was nicer and bigger than what he’d been offered by his dad.

You know how competitive we are. I still have a little bit left of feeling put out in that Maury was so sure he’d be with his Dad and didn’t need my help. But, then here he is. So, why did he have to act so coldly before. His father has done this with all the boys – the part of making them pay for space.

We have a little confused feelings here because we’ve been on Rich for his son not paying. I don’t know if I can make a big enough distinction that his son is planning NOT to move out and Maury IS planning to move out. I think it is different though in that Maury is paying out on his house for the girls – and he’s trying to eliminate that cost so he can get his own place. That’s much different than not contributing toward anything for any specific purpose.

I do have to admit though it was a little easier justifying why Maury should come home to live with Mom since that’s what Rich’s son was doing. Well, he actually didn’t leave and it seems like he’s engaged so is bringing in now his girlfriend so that Rich is paying out the mortgage for three people. In that situation, I would think that Rich has the right particularly due his work situation to ask for help with mortgage – that or they help in selling the house because it’s something that is difficult for them to afford now. I’m not sure what he’s paying, but we know he’s paying on mortgage and second mortgage. Even if he agreed to pay some toward her living expenses – he’d get enough to get out of that second mortgage and she’d get the majority to put down on a down-sized condo.

The best situation for the son would be – if Rich might continue paying the mortgage, but that his son and girlfriend if living there would have to set up some kind of savings program so they could accustom taking out big money from their paychecks and for now they could be saving that money for a down payment so that when it’s time for the house to go – they’ll be in good shape. This would be a means of them taking care of themselves and Rich a way of helping them without being taken for granted.

Seems fair and in the same respect, I would hope that any money Maury could save here would go to paying down his debt on house and credit card. I’m going to have to watch myself though because he’s already saying he’s going to be out having the lifestyle he prefers which means going out for movies, eating dinner out and doing things like skydiving. We’ve always thought Maury put too much on credit card, but we will need to push the situation that we don’t have any right to be making decisions for him. The gift of a cost-free room has to be a gift without ties.

Hmm, we slowed down again. Missy was just up here for her 5th time this morning and it’s now about 9:15 am. I’m pretty sure by now that we took away her hidden sleeping space. We didn’t do this on purpose – she’s always just “hidden” somewhere toward the back, but it’s not making us feel any better.

I guess there’s not so much to say any more about the kid’s living and saving arrangements. I can’t be hypocritical and expect Chris to be monitored from the outside by require a savings plan if we’re not going to require the same to Maury.

It is true though that we know that Maury will be paying down his responsibilities.

I’ve just got to hope he’s paying down the credit cards more than adding up. Shoot, shoot … this was the danger area … got to not worry about what he does. He’s got a room with us plain and simple … it’s temporary based on the fact that he’ll pay for his own place after his first place sells. We know he won’t stay here a moment more than he has to. Good Maury! He’s still independent. I think he wants to make this clear too – in that he’s letting us know already how many hours he’s up compared to those he spends sleeping. *Sigh* Better get him his own keys this week.

posted by Ann Marie @ 6/29/2009 10:57:00 AM Comments: 0