Ayn's Multiple World

Trying to find our track again

Yup, yup this is me. I’m not sure what’s been happening around here, but we need to get some grasp on it. I think I’ve had a trouble transitioning from Pirate world to ANY other space.

We’re at the space up at CS place, but I’m not sure we’re so disjointed, we don’t remember if we told you that part. I tried to get in the stuff that was written and not posted, but I don’t know if I did repeats, or if the dates are even close to being in sync.

I think that as much as I want to be around more, it’s still a harder thought than I could have imagined to be working around someone’s space in the amount of distraction. I think it’s basically the talking.

I don’t mean to be negative, but it’s just that I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to retain our own internal space with a lot of loose chatter about things that don’t relate to us so much. It seems that we’ve been enjoying ourselves, but we’re feeling in our confused space. I think it’s just a girls’ thing the loose chatter, so it’s hard because I don’t ever remember maintaining a space in that environment. I want to be here … so I think it’s a part’s puzzle in joining our noise comfort level with the sounds of an active household.

I like the parts where Nathan and Dani have been dropping over or that Mark can come or go. I also like petting the dogs, but I like better when they aren’t mooching human food. They are a little too aggressive there. Like when they want to lick you they REALLY lick you – though that’s one of the little things that are making us feel pretty invited. Just in case you were figuring you were unlovable which isn’t really the case because I know that I’m loved.

I think that we’re all as a multiple trying to adjust. I think for now CS is figuring she has to be around all the time and we’ve been trying to adjust, but I think she’s going to need doing some of the things from her own space or we’ll start to be invasive to her. She’s not worked in her sewing studio since we’ve been here and she’s taken fewer naps since we’ve been here. And, then there is us … we’ve been playing much more computer games than I would have expected, though not so much from what lately we’ve been expecting out of ourselves.

I’m trying to think we could concentrate. Another difference for us this time is that the TV choice is more her taste. I have liked watching the home improvement stuff, but its tough because I can’t do anything with it in my mind. We’re on the outscoping of being able to have a place, so it’s tough on that part of our mind and it’s hard because it’s not news which makes me feel more based.

I know CS enough to know that she’d switch over to my show, but that would be pushing her out of the room and I don’t want to do that. Because the designing of space is something that could interest me and its different from what we watch then it becomes more a distraction. I don’t like the part where I’m watching too much TV in between commercials. I don’t know how to grab our mind more firmly.

I think we need some of our own space, but while you’re with people then you can’t say I need alone time. I suppose that one way to do it would be to go over to the couch. It’s just that this is my comfort space. I would like to get a better angle on the fireplace, but then the room is designed so that the light is pushed over that end of the couch that would be more accepting of the fireplace.

We talked t CS and she says that she forgets the fireplace is here because she spends so little time in the room. I think it’s a big deal that she’s at the table at all because it seems her time is spent most in her two private rooms.

Hmm, she just asked me if her TV shows were distracting because they went to yet another home improvement show. I think this is the 4th or 5th one in a row. So when she asked if it was distracting, we immediately said YES. But, then she sighed and all and said something and here we are that much after and we’re still watching the same thing. So, I think I’m going to have to handle watching this kind of TV.

It does seem to feed a little bit of unreality. Right now they are working on decorating a princess room for a 7 year old. Hmm, it’s going tangerine and blue.

Yeeks!

Ok, we’re we just thinking something? Was it a real thought, or was it more a distractive something. Yup pretty sure it’s distracting. But, I think we’re getting better at tuning out. Hmm, or was that just because we were watching another commercial. I think our head is so full of soft fluffy thoughts we’re never going to be able to cram a serious thought in there.

I hate that I’m complaining so much. I want to be enjoying ourselves and not sticking out like a sore thumb. But, we’re just adapting and this is going to take a while right?

Hmm, I wonder how fishy face is doing. I would like to hear his voice just to find my normal. I sure hope he’s not getting wet. It’s been raining here all day. It’s nice to catch in the corner of my eye the fireplace. I’m pretty sure that it’s taking the dampness out of our air.

We’re feeling hopeless with the decorating shows. I really do like decorating, just that we can’t do anything with it. There’s a little bit of a sensor going on in our head saying to itself well yes I like that, I don’t like that … I see that’s what you do with this. It’s just that it’s working against my mind because its force-feeding something that I don’t seem to want in our head. I would like it to go away. But, if we go sit on the house we miss the exponentially importance of typing quickly with our fingers.

We’re going to be ok, aren’t we? It’s not even all of us … it’s just part of us.

Ok, about now … it’s most of us. Our head is shouting out … while there are parts of us saying that’s so cool, because we’re seeing how orange and fascias are supposed to go together.

Maybe we need something to eat. I wonder what there is to eat. We’ve already had a fudsicle and I’m pretty sure we had an ice cream sandwich. Hmm, we haven’t had peanut butter on are tortilla yet. The tortillas is not soft like ours is, but traveling is about adjusting. Ok girls … we’ve got to settle into things here.

It’s going to be ok. We can share our space without getting weird, hmm?

Ok, I know we have a really good thought … well I think it’s a good thought though I might get in trouble for it later. We decided to make our gift something special to the bride and groom. Remember Nathan and his beautiful bride to be are going to be getting married?

Well, basically, she came over today to work out some details with CS … and I took up one of the projects. I fell upon it when they were making the arrangements and as I heard them bringing down the cost a bit and finally having settled on their thoughts, I volunteered to pay for the cost as my wedding and shower gift.

What happened was that they had been looking to accessorize the table. I forget what you call it. Sister Theresa does it with the tables too at her fundraising events. What is it called when you put little food stuffs on the table?

Well whatever that is ... this is what our gift is. They had made a choice to get M&M’s and put them in little pouch things and the M&M’s are going to have pictures or words on them. I think there are 3 colors white, black and burgundy maybe? I’m not sure, but one set will have their names on them and the others will have their pictures. It’s a pretty cool idea actually. It c enters the event on the happy couple as should be.

So we offered as stated before to pay for this part of the wedding. It’s not as practical as some other things might be toward their hard gift collection, but it is something that is creative and nice and something Dani loves already and can be appreciated as to cost. We umm, won’t go into that right now, let’s just think that it’s a once in a life time event and this will be that and that’s all that’s to it.

We’re doing better now in that things have quieted down. CS went in for a nap, so we had something to eat and then repositioned ourselves to the good side of the couch facing the living room with CNN off to the left. I think I heard it repeated on the design show in that if you’ve got a fireplace – especially one that’s lit, then that is the focal part of the room. CS has such a nice wooden piece around the TV, that it takes a center core of the room – it is in front of a dark burgundy accent wall. I like it just I LOVE fireplaces. I think one should be glowing from the backside of any computer effort.

I don’t mind finally stepping away from the pirates. I don’t know whose part of us that is. I know that we had made a weekend goal and had met it early in the day in that we had brought it up to level 35 of defenses and had increased our income substantially.

I’m feeling a little disappointed, because I don’t understand how the scoring is taking place. I had thought before it was a matter of you pulling together your fleet and beating out each other by points, but they changed up the format some so that it seems it’s the number or power of your weapons, but by “SOME” of the incremental stuff you pick up on your way. So like then what is the use of spending all that time and money if you aren’t buying something functional to your survival?

I also noticed something that a lot of the battles seemed to be construed over how many players you have on your team. So if every 38 level team wins over a 35 level – then what difference does it make how much stuff you have or have not collected?

Maybe this is just a small bumple in the rumple.

We’ll see. For now at least the game is put away hopefully until CS wakes up. I imagine that we are going to be doing something for dinner after she gets up. That should be fine. I did a lot of snacking just a moment ago.

It was a little bit of a disappointment with dinner yesterday. We were kind of cranky because it was so late to be doing dinner, I had to take medicine that hadn’t been picked up proper and she had stated she wanted to go shopping before eating.

That’s like a whole lot of bad combinations for me.

The shopping turned out to be the biggest negative. We agreed that we would like to stay outside when she went in. It reminded us that we had committed before to not going in with her ever. I don’t know why it feels so offensive to be going through a shopping experience, but she seems to make every deal a hard core – it’s such a great deal thing. I knew she wouldn’t just pick up what she had said she needed, but I didn’t understand how long it was going to take her to do what she REALLY had in mind to do. I think she knew she’d overstepped in that when I made my first response to her having gone in for so long, she said, “I knew you were going to complain about that!” Well, like yeah!??

Four separate customers had pulled up next to me one at a time, had gotten out of their car, entered the store, shopped, and come back outside to leave within the time that CS had taken. She said then that she moves slower and hadn’t been in the store for so long. One way or another it was something that shouldn’t have been done as it had. We pushed it to say I bet you have things in those bags you didn’t intend to buy.

I don’t think this should be my business, but what I’d remembered in the past was that you always become a part of her spending money that was not intended. I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t have spent so much money either on Nathan and Dani, but even that was a little different. I had wanted to get them something special that would stand out. It is true though that impulsively I made that decision without considering the real costs to me. But we’re going to let that go. Nobody told or suggested that I do what I did … it was totally voluntary.

I can see that between CS and Nathan though … they’ve got ways of pushing to have the things they might not have had if they hadn’t tried so hard to get it. I could see it though the same in Dani. She had her ideas and then it was what would it take to make this dream come true. I think that in the long run that is going to work to their advantage, but for now it’s got to be tough on the budget. I think in general weddings are very expensive and you keep trying to take them up and up a notch by making them more unique. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one, so I’ll be interested in knowing how it turns out.

I think Maury has been in touch with Dani and it seems he’s planning on making the trip up here for the wedding and it seems at this point he’s not planning on bringing up the girls. Either way is fine with me. I’m also not sure if Joe is coming, but I think if there is a way relatively simple, he’ll make an effort. It seems like both the boys and Nathan and for that matter Meredith are all interested in getting to know each other. I hope that works out.

I’m a little more worried about our mother and John in that I don’t want to become a part of THEIR party. They actually have just a little to do with our lives and sometimes it’s a little too much for me. I’m thinking the same with being here too. I really do need some time to be alone like the time we’re spending right now.

Heavy sigh … it will be ok. I sure hope I wasn’t played… It’s because I wanted to right? CS wrote out a check for Dani too. I think she’s been paying some kind of installment plan on the wedding, or maybe in particular the reception or maybe just bar part. I think it’s been a couple thousand dollars. I’m thinking the bride’s mom has been paying some along the way too.

I stressed something that still makes me feel uncomfortable concerning Marks boat.

The women … umm, Mark decided to sell it to pay for the wedding. It’s just that runs contrary to things I know about men and their boats. They boat had very long been paid for and had been good enough to sell. I know that Mark would have done anything to help out Nathan, but maybe it’s something that shouldn’t have been asked for. I did ask Mark on the side and he played out the cards proper that were dealt to him, but I could hear the reserve in his voice thinking whatever it might have been, but seemed to lead me to the thought that it wasn’t his first thought to sell the boat.

I was surprised how fast CS and Dani both defended the idea of selling the worthless old thing and how important that money was to the wedding. *Sigh* It’s sure not our wedding or son. But, there’s that bad part felt … I sure wouldn’t ever tell Rich he had to sell his boat to pay for his son’s whatever. It’s just like it shouldn’t have been done. But, then I realize how far out of the situation I am so figure that I just better deal with whatever trouble I’m having and move on with it.

Hmm we’re back again it’s about 9:30 pm and we’re trying to get out of a space. Too much television with self help stuff – I don’t mean to complain and in actuality I’ve been talking on the phone a good part of this last period. I first talked to Maury for about 45 minutes and then I spent about 10 – 15 minutes with Rich.

Funny face wasn’t doing so good because he didn’t catch any fish yet. He’s feeling down on himself and it hurt a little hearing him so not positive. I can tell when his voice is dragging and he’s feeling down and I can figure it out within about 5-6 words spoken.

We talked for a bit about his card game too. I think what happened was that he was looking for a certain card and then Bob was dealing and he flipped up the card by mistake so they threw it out, but then it wrecked his hand. I think it was like him against everyone because it wasn’t to their benefit to give him the better card, or maybe they knew some rule he didn’t, but I think he was hurt because he was going to go out of his way and call a casino to get an official rule on it. I would hope it goes his way, because he’s so adamant on following rules, but even if he was wrong I think he needed to feel it was because it was for real rather than the guys ganging up on him.

I can see him leaving the table and I’m glad he gave me the call and I think he’s going to go in his room and read a couple of chapters before he falls asleep for the night. I guess they are going to get up early by about a half hour and get out there. He said it was because they figured it was getting light earlier. He says that they’ll be leaving at 12:30 pm and then he’ll be at his mom’s at 4 pm, and then home about 5 pm. I know that he’s usually a little later than he expects – like he might not have budgeted getting Jim back home. I don’t know though maybe Jim dropped his car off at his mothers’ … Not sure, maybe it could be at our house too?

We’ll see.

I should probably leave here by about 2 pm latest. I know that Rich is going to stop by just for a hamburger and we teased him about it tying him up, but I think he’s thinking about getting home. I don’t want to be there that much more in front of him. I should get in enough to air out the place a bit and check on the kitties, but

Ok we’re by ourselves again for a bit. CS went in to her bedroom for a bit, but I’m not sure if she’s coming back or will be in there for a bit. I did finally switch it over to CNN, but I’ll always let her turn it to whatever she needs. But, it feels like a burning need for it when we don’t have access for a bit.

We’re missing Rich now more than ever. I’m glad that I’m here, but I wish I could be more social with my sister. I think we’re spending a lot of time together, but I’m not as interested in talking as much as she is. I teased her saying that Maury is almost if not more talkative than she is. I think that’s pretty accurate.

Maury seems to have had a good week all considering. It seems like it’s being pretty amicable. They have decided to split the house so that on his days he’ll be staying there with the girls and on her days she will. I think she’s going to be going with her mother pretty soon, but it might be a couple of weeks staying with friends. Maury is staying with his Dad.

Maury says that Ame was pretty torn up when she was told, but that Isa didn’t really know what was happening. He said that Ame broke down in tears immediately asking them not to do it. He said that Isa is aware that the other parent isn’t putting her to sleep at night and that there’s only one parent at home, but she might not be collecting words to explain yet what she might be missing.

I feel terrible for the girls, but know the parents are doing the best they can.

Things happen in life and you have to just get through it the best you can. I’m really glad their house hasn’t been disturbed so much that they lost their bedrooms. That’s going to be a pretty big deal.

Maury says that after the divorce is final that they are GOING to need selling the house, but that they might put it off a little until they get everything to go through. I think he said something about Lauren getting more time, but they’ve decided that it really isn’t good for either of them to be spending the time together directly. They’ve agreed not to have significant others over at the house and that either can come over whenever to help put the girls to bed or something similar, or that they can be flexible if one or the other has to have some special time off. I’m grateful they are doing it as amicable as it is happening.

I think the other positive thing about this is that Maury seems to be reaching out for friendships. I’m happy about that a lot. It would be much worse if he were to isolate himself. I think that Maury needs the assurances that things are going to be ok.

I think he was talking to me on the way home from work and that he was picking up the girls at his Dad’s house. By the end of the conversation he had gotten home and was switching his work van for the car.

I’ve got some mixed feelings tonight as we think through that particular situation of his father and his stepmother taking care of the girls. I feel a certain amount of anger in knowing that he wouldn’t trust me with my grandchildren. That’s thought isn’t going away. I think more than about anything else it drives a wrench through our relationship.

I don’t think that Maury thinks of it as a very big deal, but I do. It doesn’t seem good either that of all his places to stay he feels unable to be at my house – primarily he says because he would feel uncomfortable with being around Rich and us. He did say he didn’t want to go backwards and live with parents, but that’s not true because he doesn’t seem to have a problem staying with his father.

It hurts very badly. I’ve worked so hard during my life to provide a good life for the boys. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them and I have no relationship that is more important. Rich has to be very close, but it’s not the same kind of relationship you have with the love of your life as you have with your children. A mother is devoted to her children. They’ve had the best of my love for the eternity of their lives and I am not trusted even for a few hours with their kids.

I suppose this is someway tied to the situation with my own parents in that I didn’t trust them with my kids. But, I wasn’t abusive with the boys. I was a good mom … at least I tried and thought I’d done good – though very far from perfect. I guess I was really very far from perfect. I don’t know how badly I must have hurt them to have so little faith from them.

I don’t mean to beat myself up, but just sitting here I’m realizing some part of me that could be hurt to show that thing and then I have to realize that this is the sickness that is part of what make my kids scared of me. I worry about Thom in that I know that he tried every option available to him that he have another place for his cat to live. I don’t know, but I think it was Alexis that talked about trying to get Joe to take care of the cat, but I guess he told Alexis that they have to look for another place to live because Cari has cats and apparently they have a place that doesn’t accept cats. It’s unfortunate for Joe because it was so ideal to live up above the dojo, but then I think that they can get a better apartment that is more suitable for two.

One way or another though, I guess Joe gave Thom a firm no. I think if something were to happen to Nef while staying with me it will be on our neck forever. I haven’t been thinking about this more or less the negative, but it’s something that has to be handled. Just maybe not now … I’m thinking that the reason it’s coming up now is that the situation between Maury and me is being strained – as to his and the girls life. I feel so devalued. I don’t know what to do with those feelings, but the fireplace and having CNN on the background again seems to help. It’s a show I’ve already seen, but it’s comforting. Plus the dishwasher is going on in the background and that seems to make me feel like everything is ok in the world.

I think I really needed some time on my own because I’m feeling stronger in that I’m glad I’m here, just wishing for my sister that I could be more for her while at the same time worrying about losing me. I just don’t see the reason to be talking all the time about things that aren’t important. That sounds terrible … of course her thoughts are important just like mine as I write them here.

I think there needs to be something said of choices. That’s as close as I am to it right now. I choose which thoughts to have as I write. I turn my attention to whichever direction. I guess I’m much more fiercely independent than I might really have believed before. It’s not until you have some freedoms taken away that it seems most important.

I’m afraid that if CS knew how hard it is to have our time so divided I would hurt her and I don’t want to do that. I think that is something that balances itself out over time.

I feel some of the same stresses with Rich, particularly since we’ve gotten the small computer. I think the game is a distraction, but the basic message is that I like to be on the computer and sometimes when Rich wants to be together on the couch it’s hard to adjust or pull myself away from this other internally quiet life. I think it’s because the parts need time to be communicating with each other.

I had a hard time while writing earlier because I didn’t know how to have our own thoughts, because we weren’t comfortable that they might be negative against the situation I find myself with my sister. There’s still a higher order thought of wanting to be her and to be with her, but there’s those more confusing moment to moment frustrations in that there are some things we value differently.

Maybe one of those things – the money situation is grating because we’re more alike than not. She is having troubles with the money situation. I know that you know we have terrible troubles with money, but she’s not in a place where she recognizes she has problems with it. When you are paying hundreds of dollars for things not necessary instead of mortgage then that’s a problem. But, then we paid $300 for specialty M&Ms today and not all our bills are paid for either.

This is what we mean as to knowing that we’re both in the same bad situation. CS had gotten a little fury pencil the other day when she was shopping. We didn’t want to have anything to do with making her financial world more strained or to encourage her or her to encourage me to make the situation financially worse.

Rich isn’t going to take more than 3 seconds to figure out that problem is happening. I know that we have parts that will convey things to him out of safety.

We really need to do the bills before the money is spent unwisely. CS has always used this deal where she says that it’s a good deal and that’s why she shops and gets items she shouldn’t be. If something is normally $200 and you pay $100, you may have gotten a good deal on the item, but the point has to be you’ve overpaid $100 that you don’t have.

Again in seeing this forces upon me a reality of what’s happening in our own shopping – I know that this is a weakness of ours I just don’t want to make it get worse.

What kind of relationship will it be if we are dangerous to each other?

In the same spirit … CS had gone to her bedroom earlier to take a nap and we’d taken a nap on the computer. We had eventually woken up and then soon from there she’d texted from the bedroom. She was asking if we would like to go out. I’ve been around enough situations like this that I know it’s a trick question … I like eating out as much as the next person, but we’d already told her that we were going to need eating out less so it would be affordable to come up here.

I told her Rich had given us $40 to eat out and he recommended Chinese, but after that we didn’t want to be going out.

I didn’t realize it, but she’d taken me to an all you can eat Chinese place. There were regular menus too, but it’s always thought buffet is always more economical than full plates. I felt bad because after we got up there we found how little they offered and how unrealistically not great it was.

I had also given her a choice between eating in or out after she’d suggested that we do one or the other but her preference was to eat out. I think I feel bad because she hasn’t gotten out a lot and I thought ok, we were expecting to go out at least once although my comfort level was saying that we wanted to get back to the house as soon as possible. You know what I think of being out.

The place she chose to take us wasn’t a very good Chinese restaurant. I don’t know what makes our choices better, but something must be happening around an ethnic city in that the food is better or truer to its own nature, or maybe it’s just that CS and Mark aren’t the food pros as Rich. I don’t know maybe it’s me that’s fussy. I know that half the idea of going out to eat is reaching your own comfort level with foods and the restaurant that is serving them.

I think CS puts more thought as to different kinds of comfort. Like she said that this restaurant had gone through multiple owners, but that it was one of the first places they’d come to in West Bend. I felt a little bad in that the waitress seemed to focus on her and she seemed intimidated by CS. I don’t know what was going on there, but we just made the note and tried to stay away from that area.

After we had dinner and I was reaching out to pay the check, then she suggested that Mark might be hungry when he got home and that maybe we should order something. The tendency is to say yes of course. I had full intention of paying for a dinner from him too, but I guess it always surprises me when it happens. It’s why I questioned whether I was played with the M&Ms. I’d like to think this was just my more paranoid stuff.

I think one of the problems is that she makes more opportunities to spend money to be there. I think she knows we have passive parts and others.

I think we’d started to say something before about dinner and she had texted us.

This is a pretty noncommittal way of voicing an opinion without going out of one’s way to do it. I know that she’s mentioned several times how much she enjoys going out and all so that you feel you are the good guy for treating out.

AGAINAGAINAGAIN. I am glad that I was able to do it, because I don’t want to feel I’m taking advantage of their hospitality, it’s just that I’m so tuned into the cost of being around them. I think it’s something that affects the three of them. They are all good at finagling.

I think this is too much for me now though because it feels threatening and overwhelming and I’m very tired, so I’m sure that one thing is feeding another. I think I got to sleep some.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/26/2009 07:10:00 AM Comments: 0