Ayn's Multiple World

Hmm, did you know Thom is going to Japan today?

Good morning, or I should say good afternoon. It is now 12:30 pm on a Monday. Today … I know you’re tired of hearing this, but we stayed home again. I knew it was going to happen last night, and it did, but we’re trying not to be overly emotional. We’ve taken off a lot of pressure on the day and seem to be just slowly feeling our way through it.

We held our breath all the way through the morning. Maury had said Thom was leaving this morning and I knew if I could get through it it would be ok. We have been like previously stated busy with the little things that have seemed to mean so much to us of late. I don’t feel any zip toward thoughts of work, my head is too heavy for that.

I don’t know what it is about having kids that makes you want to think incessantly of them. Maybe it’s some kind of feeling where if you think of them you can make out some duty of holding them up through your thoughts. We are trying to stay positive with it, thinking that if we don’t hold up our bargain and be taking care of ourselves, how would we be able to take care of anyone else who might have a need.

Still there are the feelings of sadness for not having had that conscious last moment of holding and being held by someone you love very much. The boys pretty much know I would do anything for them within my limits. I just have to be honest with how private a person Thom seems to be … He is trying to take care of himself and I’m sure the relationship to his wife. That has to be admired about him.

I think it would be natural to want to be more within his tight circle and in some respects I know I am, but on this particular level, I’m on the outside still trying to stretch my emotions around it. I think Thom must think somehow I would overwhelm him or try to take something from him emotionally that he does not have enough stock of.

I’m afraid there are going to be many days like this where we slowly wipe away tears and wonder and cajole our brain. There is all the concern in the world, but little to be done about it except to think that there are others like me going through this and we’d like for them not to feel alone – even though I know this is a sense of aloneness that has to be dealt with. Just one hopes for those small connections in between to feel some safety net below us.

A lot of mothers talk about staying busy. I know I have plenty to do with my small life and the connections and the writing. I think that’s about what I’ll call this other part or parts of me who are reaching out to people barely known as well as people known along the way that we once had stronger relationships to or would like to have developed.

I feel a strong sense of not wanting to put my emotional burden on any one person, but to develop within ourselves a residual strength that is going to assist us on the majority of the days. I don’t want to have so many ups and downs and scolding that I know I’ll get from Rich tonight when he learns that we’ve taken another day off. I think toward his regard that he’s taking off more days with the guys and less days with us, so that I know I would have had to be using days anyway. I’ve still got a couple more weeks I’ll have to take off between now and June 30th. I don’t think I’ll plan on any one vacation, but will go through the day’s one at a time as I feel a need for breaks.

I don’t imagine Sr. really likes this mode or part of me, but I don’t think she can make me take off any one week just to bundle the time more practically for her.

Hmm, there’s something else right now as a side note, but we’ve been sick for the last couple of hours. We’re having a hard time holding anything down. That’s kind of gross so I’m not going to go through that any further, but just wanted it down for the record … that physically, we’re kind of messed up too. I’m thinking that we might decide to take a shower pretty soon. We got our medicine late, but it’s now been 3-4 hours with that.

I remember feeling like this having the measles or chicken pox as a kid. You are feeling up enough to be thinking about stuff, but too miserable to be much good to anyone. Except for that part that this is all part of the plan, right? Just gotta take care of ourselves today.

I don’t know when I’ll get a hold of Alexis, but that’s been on my mind too this morning. She’s going to have a hard time similar, but different from me after seeing Thom off. If they’ve made arrangements for her to meet him in Japan, there might be a whirlwind of activity in taking care of that. I don’t know where the relationship would be if she did not indicate that somewhere relatively soon she would be coming. I know thought that I have to let that be for the kids to figure out.

I think the point here was to say that we’d like to be available to support her, just we don’t want to get between the kids. I don’t know what Thom’s estimation of my past involvement was. I really don’t want to hurt the situation, and I don’t want either of them to feel they don’t have support. I worry about something that Alexis said about Thom isolating himself and then as well her. Maybe that would make the situation easier for him to sense control, but it would be a lot to put on Alexis if she’s in the position of wanting support.

Maybe she’s going to need others to give that to her. Thom confirmed that she didn’t really thinking much of MP.com, because she’s much less open about this kind of stuff. We’ll have to see though over time, maybe she’ll take stock again after a while. In some regard I feel very close to her in that besides the other family members that I probably feel as close to Thom as anyone. I still don’t know what my relationship is to him in comparison of his other people held closely to him.

I don’t think I’m really unloved, just maybe I’m not manageable, so in that way I appear more burdensome.

Ok … that was getting dreary again so we followed our stomach to the bathroom, and then took a shower. It felt good to put on clean pajamas … yeah you know we’re not going anywhere!

Vickie and I emailed for a few moments. Someone had sent me a little sketch about getting old and paying 75% less by staying in a Holiday Inn rather than a nursing home. It seemed to make a lot of sense I think for both of us. So I sent a copy to Rich and the boys. Maybe it will be our new plan so we don’t have to go into an nursing home after we get old and poor. I like the idea that we could move around too. I don’t know how old I’ll be before I give up driving, but maybe earlier than not if I feel I’ve gotten dangerous.

Hmm, it’s going around at MP.com … people mostly women talking about soon reaching if they haven’t already the age of 50. It will be our turn this summer. I’m thinking now it’s about the same for many of the friends I’m reconnecting to now.

Do they as well feel they are getting older – probably so. I don’t know many who cross these big dividers without thinking something about it.

This is the general story …





When the time comes, there will be no nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.

We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay and senior discount, its $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room; a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. Is the TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And, there are no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The Grand kids can use the pool!

What more can you ask for!!
So, when we reach that golden age,
we'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all our email to:



*Sigh* that feels a little better there is a plan!

Hmm … I just remembered. We are supposed to go to Rich’s mother’s house tomorrow for dinner. I think Rich is going to have us leave work early. I hope that doesn’t interrupt my plan to not be there today. Best not worry about that too much. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Rich’s mother. I look forward to meeting up with her again. I hope it’s a nice visit!

I don’t think Rich is getting home until late tonight around 10 pm. He says they are going to fish until it gets dark and I’m thinking it’s at least 3-4 hours away.

They’ll have to stop for dinner and he’s going to need dropping off Ron and maybe the boat at his mothers, unless he does that tomorrow when we go there. We’ll have to see.

It’s about 2 pm now … so there is some time yet. Better we should think about what we’d like to write. I don’t know what’s been written of this week, or whether we want to go back into anything. As to Dr. Marvin’s, I don’t know what happened there. It seems a really long time ago. I suppose lets go there only if it accidently comes up.

I really don’t want to write about my feelings, because we’re still feeling down.

We should maybe though try to progress that some. I’m thinking we should make a note in our section on meeting our son in Japan under the deployment to Iwakuni section. Maybe that would make us feel better? At least in might indicate a little better sense of control over things. You know … like life is moving on.

Ok, Pswhoo. It’s done … it’s now 3 pm and we’ve written something under Our son in Japan. I don’t know if I could really define who that written piece is for. I know over at the Cliques site … I was writing there somewhat for support, but mostly in giving support to others. This site which I think I’ll call “Our son” is different … this is the place that I’m going to continue writing about the journey that we now are on. I have to say then that primarily the writing is for me. It’s also somewhat to others, because it is public, and I would like to think that if Thom would ever like to know where we’re at … not only at Facebook, he could find me here. I think we’ll let him know that but not right away.

Mostly I feel as if “Our Son” will then be just a meeting place for us to think out loud for each of the above three .. us, other parents, and Thom … might want to say also here … we should add that we’ll tell Alexis about it down the road so that she can come here to for or as a sense of support. I know her initial reaction is not to do this kind of thing and she might remain like that, but I do believe in this kind of thing and as being a writer, so it will be enough to know for me that it’s an option that will be there for her if she ever chooses to look. It will be our marker laid down.

This is not to say I want to let go of our conversations. It’s just that being at “Our Son” would allow for some neutrality. I would know more safely that I wouldn’t say anything more or less to her than I would feel my son were to know as well.

Ok, so now … we’re pretty resolved … hmm, I would like to say one more thing. That is the part of double posting. I saw it last night and many other times before that, especially when writing in this forum. I would like as much as possible to keep the worlds fairly separate. If you want to ever read what I write concerning my relationship to Thom … go here:

Otherwise let’s keep these parallel threads so I can develop myself here as a person, but there more as a Mother of a Marine. It’s definitely a task!

http://www.usmcparents.com/forum/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=240

Ok … all this said and set aside … what is it that we have to do next? That is beside to write … more like what will we write or drift our mind to next? There are a couple of things that are shadowing close to our thoughts as we speak. First is that I would like to set a goal to be writing at least until 5 pm. It’s about 3:30 pm now. I would then like to take a nap so I’m able to give fishyface a good massage when he gets home. He was sore moving in and around the boat a couple of days ago, so I’m going to guess he’s going to be sore when he gets home. Plus, we will want to hear any fishy stories that he’s willing to share.

Ok, what was that other thing? Oh I know … the business of Facebook and MP.com. I would like to think that I don’t write in either until either later tonight – if I can get in that habit or until tomorrow morning. I counted up how many Facebook things I am writing too and it seems to be between 22-25 people it’s about the same number with the people from MP.com - hmm? What exactly is going on there? Is it that I need this big an audience? Where do the boundaries lay between supporting self, others, or them us?

Maybe we’re not going to be able to answer all that, but maybe we can progress the thoughts some. I think the one person that has taken a role stronger than the others is Sandy. I don’t know why this is, but maybe has something to do with her having written 22,911 posts … yup that’s right 22,911! Me? Well you don’t count the Recruit or MCT posts over on this board, so my official number is 124.

So, if there were going to be someone who really knew how to right and respond to others, it would be her. I’ve noticed that over on Thom’s site she is the one moderator who is steady in leaving feedback and although short … the feedback is always good and stretches us further forward and ahead. This doesn’t mean I want to take advantage of her, but at this point I admit she’s a bit of a role model. It was the same for the Clique response too. Shoot, she sure must read a lot of notes.

She has to be retired or independently self supportive to get around as much as she does. Or, maybe she’s got particular message boards she reads either officially or unofficially. Her son’s name is Brian and he’s currently on active Reserves with 2/24 Weapons company after 2 Iraq tours. She’s a hell of a strong woman.

Hmm, does this mean we’ve reverted to our Thom thoughts again? Well, maybe a little, but this time more on ourselves and what it is that we are doing with our own minds. I think we were going toward again figuring out what all the extra contact is for. It’s like if you step in the middle of 50 some peoples’ lives … is there some mission involved in that? Why these people and why now?

I think in the industry the amount of writing to anyone in particular would be considered the size of a sound bite. That reminds me … we had further contact with people last night in that we talked to both my sister and Pat. We’re not going to go into those conversations any more than any other, but we would like to state our sense of appreciation in the calls. It’s unclear about what being in the role of a sister or friend, but to some degree right now we’re in that state of figuring out how to spend our time being with others. Maybe not yet where Rich is at where he’s sharing rooms with other fisherman or poker players, but sharing mental space. I’ll have to ask Dr. Marvin if this might be some state of coming out of any non-specified cave we’ve been in. To do so in the mannerisms of a computerized social club or two … well, that wouldn’t or shouldn’t surprise us. It’s been pretty much that way all along.

Hmm, that reminds us that I guess some one of us sent a thing to Dr. Woollcott about Facebook and he responded back by sending us a link to where his book was at on-line. Hmm, do we still have that?

Shoot … we did some searching around for it and we don’t seem to have the connection. I thought the webpage was through his first and last name, but we did not come up with it.

The thing was he had sent us the link to his on-line book and we’d found our chapter under “The Castle.” And, had printed that one chapter out and then later read it prior to Rich picking us up for dinner the other night. It’s frustrating not being able to find it though we found links for abstracts or first page teasers for other articles that Dr. Woollcott has written. We might have to look up his address and then ask him again for the link. Just not right now … at this time it’s confusing us because of the frustration factor over not having it in hand.

As to being back in the non-specified cave … we have on the one hand these 50 people with particular interest in a few – who are more brilliant than others and to which we’d like to more collaborate than support, it’s just that at the present time we are unclear to the motives or time willingness of these others or even us for that matter. It seems that we’ve come at least to the edge of the cave, but still far enough in that the full light is not blinding us.

*Sigh*

I think something inside me wants to be known. One of the first things though for one of the people we’d contacted was to wonder if they would be interested in our writing. But, I’m not sure if this was vainglorious in that we wanted him to think as much as we thought of him. This is the part that wants to believe that we’re merely an unpublished author and not someone who just works for a small social service agency.

Maybe if I were to title these queries it might be “Search for relevancy.” I think being rebuffed by Kendra with or without her knowledge and just having the tools at hand of Facebook, we were willing to search a little further into our past. For the people we connected to there were a majority – those not of MP.com, but from our past life where we’d just known them, but had not developed significant relationships to them – more proximity.

As with all our sudden projects started, we have to acknowledge this might be yet a passing phase, but if potentially the connections could lead to real relationships that would be the ideal. I don’t know if we have enough of a connection to support these buds, but I’m still in the dream stage where all is yet potential.

I think there is some inherent fault though in thinking that I want these relationships for what I can get out of them. In one instance we brought to someone’s attention that we were a multiple. He responded, but maybe with some confusion as to how he’s dealt with these kinds of things in the past.

At this moment, I don’t know the motive of the part of us that sent out that information. Maybe going back to read would help us to understand. Thoughts here come to mind of Sr. and the depth of her thoughts in believing that telling someone about the multiplicity would be to demean oneself, where we’d definitely like to think of it more as something we’re almost proud of and part of our higher thinking processes.

That might seem a strange situation to put-out. I think the first part of that is that the condition makes us a little more unusual than others. I am definitely more interested in other relationships that might understand and still accept than in those relationships where the knowledge is more based in Dr. Phil and Oprah. I’d like to think that this might be a better Ann reaching out, but with a defense being shown for yet unknown ulterior purposes.

I wish I could get to know someone without thinking of gain. It’s an ideal situation to believe that you can out of the blue walk into a past relationship do the right thing while bringing the relationship potential to the forefront. Then there is the negative thinking like hmm, who do the hell I think I am to presumptively believe that time with me would be worthwhile … maybe this is the shoe on the other foot. Basically, what is it that I bring into a relationship … is it anything worthy of another’s valuable time? And, how is it more different knowing of some of the others having more or less time or thinking at whichever level of thought.

Going into the situation I would like to believe that each contact is equal, while on the other hand, I find myself wondering more toward a particular few people and taken others more lightly. Like I’ve set the stage to become more familiar with the people from MP.com, but I’m not quite there in acknowledging any of them with the exception of easy platitudes.

I don’t know this is going to need more thinking out. I would like to write more than take the 5 pm break I’d listed earlier. It’s 4:30 now though and I might have to try putting something on my stomach again.

It’s funny. Here I am considering if I’m good or smart enough to ask for a relationship that might be on the same level, but then there is me the helpless incompetent who reaches without Rich for a can of Chef Boyardee Forkables. *Sigh* Is this done by others as well? Maybe for the wealthy the concepts the same in not producing one’s own dinner, but in calling for room service – I suppose I’m incorrigible.

Hmm, probably smart enough though to think just a little forkables on the tummy.

Hmm this is that part about the multiplicity where we break down. I’m just a little bit of a serious thinker and writer, and then we are a little bit of a helpless thought producer. Did Einstein write theorems and then hope that his wife was going to produce something tasty, lest he need open a can?

Ok, so maybe we’re no Einstein are we at least pretty darn smart in something? Hmm, back to that thread where we ask if we are good enough in that which we can offer.

Should we now add in there’s one of us making train sounds ready to swoosh us with “I think I can, I think I cans!”

It’s too late that cat’s been let out of the bag. *Sigh* Yes, we’re back to that!

Hmm, how are we going to hold up the weight in that we want to accomplish yet something great, but don’t yet believe it’s more than a dribble? I know people think I’m smart, but where is that in comparison to building the Navy sonar of sorts or developing a International smart grid.

Shoot, I knew eventually that would happen … that we’d take ourselves down by the magnitude of being accomplishment free. Maybe that’s not something another would notice? Shoot there goes that sneaky card player of ours … I’ll just slip someone a Mickey. Be no good.

Hmm, ok there was a break there. It’s now about 5:45 pm and we’re thinking that we might want to turn on the TV or something with sound pretty soon to help transition us out of this stage. We just wrote one letter back and we’re considering writing a second back to a different friend.

This is part of my thing though I think. It’s just that we are a writer and when given the opportunity to be with friends through writing … well that is important to us. Certainly isn’t all of it. Some was explained in the last letter, but again we’re trying not to over-merge the relating with the personal thoughts I have here.

I wouldn’t mind if others read what was written here, but I need continue thinking that there are no sensors to writing here other than to assure I can maintain personal boundaries. Still my personal thoughts deserve some kind of free-wheeling too.

Ok, is this like a theme for the day? Finding some kind of balance? Yeeks … I’m not sure if that should be on a positive or negative level. Hmm, maybe we’re trying too hard to think today. Today’s been one of those red-letter days to just get through. I find myself on the back-burner saying – why life? What’s my purpose here? I’m not sure at this moment of the meaning of being a people. It seems we each have to shuffle around the dollars and duties to produce something that feels worthwhile or looks worthwhile enough in representing us like particular housing or clothing. But, I’m still not sure about this whole people thing today.

My mind now flows to Rich or Dr. Marvin as being people a little more safe to think about. I wouldn’t mind here thinking it’s been a couple days, why don’t we think of Sweetie for a bit. It’s not dark yet, but I’d like to think that he has started his trip home now. Wouldn’t that be sweet!

See that gotta be a part of relating, it makes you feel good. I feel happy just thinking of Rich and that’s before we start to think of those special relating things he shares! WooHOO!! Ok, girls. Let’s not go there again. Shhh Whoa!

Pullerup.

Hmm, this seems to go with finding ourselves on the other side of the day’s mountain. It’s almost 6 pm. we’ve made it over the difficult day where our son is leaving the country. Well, that just doesn’t happen EVERY day. I wonder how our other communications are going. I wonder now if all these new communication efforts are part of a bigger picture in trying to live outside this cave we’ve been developing all day.

posted by Ann Marie @ 3/17/2009 07:49:00 AM Comments: 0