Ayn's Multiple World

Pretty Good Saturday - we were going 2 steps forward and 1 step back

Good morning. This is me. We've been up for a couple of hours and its not even 4 am.

Whoops let's try that again ... It's now about 6:45 am. Naw we weren't here all that time, but there was some big surprises at hand. I had checked my phone messages and I found that my phone had gone dead. So I plugged it in and looked for a message because I know that Rich usually calls. There was a message there from him, but it was about 3:30 pm yesterday. As it turns out he was headed on his way home, or soon would be. Rich's step-father had medical problems and was in the hospital and there was really know one to be with Rich's mother. She's blind and falls easily and needs help getting around.

Rich had said on the phone that he was going to be here by about 3 am and that his son was coming to the fishing place he was at to get him. Rich didn't get in until just after 4 am, but it had been quiet enough even with the TV on so that I heard the shutting of his door or trunk. At least I though I heard it so I got up to check. Sure enough, Rich was coming up the stairs. He got a very big smooshy hug and kisses. He was pretty tired ... he said that he'd been up for 24 hours. I really really hate to think of him driving like that. I had gotten ahold of him about an hour before he got in, and he said ... well the first thing he said was where were you? Yeeks ... I was here dear ... just wasn't aware my phone was dead. Sorry ... well soon after that he said I should go back to bed, but I couldn't sleep any better then as I had at 2 am in the morning. Maybe I'm growing telepathic, Hmm?

Rich was pretty sure he was going straight to bed after going to the bathroom, but I squeeked out of him that Bud was going to be ok. He was kind of blurry anywhere past that. I crept into his bed and pulled the covers open for him and I gave him a good rub. I think he'd fallen asleep within the first 5 minutes. Then I slept with my arms curled around my baby until just a short time ago. We've been in and out of awareness in that we've got CNN on in the background, but it's not too far away in that the small computer is parked on the living room table. I just got the coffee made.

Whoops back again ... we've been wandering ... it's already 9:20 am. The last phase we were looking at houses again. We had saw an advertisement that there were homes to look at on Comcast On Demand. I was disappointed in their selections, but I did get me involved in those thoughts. I found the old information on the Del Webb houses - in particular the Somerset II in Edgewater. You remember the location and floor plan? Oh, you don't ... hold on let me get that for you. :)



Hmm? You remember all of this? It's become my dream. I don't know so much about moving back to Elgin, but it seems the way we're thinking. I guess I'm comfortable enough with the area that I'm willing to go back to get what I want in living situation. Again ... we're still having problems with Rich because he doesn't think we'll ever be wealthy enough to live the way I would choose to if we did have money. But, I'm looking at the long range when I'm wealthy, wise and not wanting.

Hehehe ... well I understand that you'll never get what you can't dream. Just have to keep thinking how do I pay off a half-million dollar home.

It always goes back to the writing ... but I've said all along if your not part of the solution you are part of the problem. That means if I'm not able to get the home of my dream on my own volition, than I'm more of a problem than a solution.

I then would have to go back to the bigger plan. Health comes before wealth ... and we're still needing to work with goals. I have to keep putting this in front of me. That reminds me ... we haven't set our To-do list for the day. I don't think we're going to get very far with that right now though, until we find more on the situation with Rich and his mother and Bud. I don't know how long Rich will stay asleep or how long he'll stay here after he gets up. I'm a little unsettled about going to the gym, until I figure out his schedule, because obviously I'll want to spend as much time with him as possible. I do VERY much want to get to the gym.

This morning I weighed 252 ... which I think is my low though I don't know if I were here once before 3-5 days ago. I know I've been floating at about 254. I went out to eat last night with the center, but I didn't eat much. Unfortunately my eyes got too big. I had ordered a piece of cheese cake to go and when I got home I ate it. But, apparently it was too much sugar, because I had a horrible time keeping any of it on my stomach. Pretty sure it was over 15 grams. I kept going back to the bathroom over and over again ... and each time reliving the misery of having eaten the cake. Too much.

I know that I'm taking advantage of our system every day there are excuses not to go to the gym. I'm ok on the days that I'm with Dr. Marvin, but there was no reason really I shouldn't have gone yesterday after the dinner, but I did skip it. Instead I only came home to watch the next presidential debate.

Hehehe ... we've been falling in love this morning with the CNN newscaster. He's a young black man who is very good looking and has a terrific sense of whole hearted humor. He's been on now for awhile so I think we're going to lose him in 15 minutes or 10 am. But, he's been a lot of fun. He teases about all kind of stuff with his fellow news broadcasters. He sees the humor for example of the difference between "not true" and "lying" and "misleading." That's important when you are breaking down the candidates positions or at least their statements being made. Hmm, TJ Holmes? Is that who he is or was that someone he was talking about. He just said Alli one of the CNN guys jumped on Oprah's couch. He also advertised his buddy as the bold, bald and beautiful.

Ahh now he's talking about opportunity in the housing market. He's got sparkly eyes. Hmm, basically they said to be careful when others around you aren't being. That was good advise. But, a little common. *Sigh* Well his eyes are still beautiful!

I've got a split screen right now on the right is this document and on the left is the Somerset II design. I think that guy I was reading was right you have to really implant in your subconscious what you want to accomplish, before you can make it happen.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it much yesterday, but Dr. Marvin and us had a good 20-25 minute conversation on why I bought the car. I couldn't do it all again without his assistance, but the thing was that I'm thinking now was that there was a lot more into it than I had imagined, it was like there was a turn here and a twist there, and a premonition over on the other side.

AHA. It is TJ Holms. I'm not saying he's up to Anderson Cooper level, but he's pretty darn good. Ahh that was good ... you know you can go to triple A and put in your car make and model and then list your destination from one place to another, and it will estimate the cost of your gas ... it's so you can plan ahead. That's a good deal.

They keep going over the OJ story ... yup in this day and time ... this is what's happening. He was just declared guilty on all 12 counts and they are saying that he is probably going to be in jail for the rest of his life. They point out he's 61 years old now and there is one charge on kidnapping with a weapon where he'd get alone 15 years to life. They are also not going to let him out on custody bail. The judge seemed pretty cold and clear ... no he's going to jail right now take him out.

I think me like most people are considering was his former trial apart of this decision, The jury only took 4 hours to decide he was guilty ... it would have been near impossible finding a jury who didn't know of the prior case. Chances of him getting lucky twice was pretty slim. I didn't watch either trial, because it doesn't interest me that much, except as a side note. Too bad for him. I think here goes the comment that sometimes greed and avarice goes with corruption.

I'm not sure too ... have we talked about the bailout plan? I don't think so. I should respond for the record what I think about that deal. By now it's been made as a law that there will be a $700,000 billion bailout and that they added $150,000 billion what they are calling pork. I'd like to say honestly, I don't know enough of it to have a strong opinion. Primarily Obama says its necessary, so I'm going to believe him. He seems to have a pulse on what is going on. I'm thinking that most economists understand the underneath part and we're not really rightful of a disagreement. I don't believe that it's just for the fatcats, because there was put on regulations on how much they can make from this. I don't know how the money is going out directly, but I would believe that it is going to be a better affect on people than not ... even though I think the cost in taxes to us is going to be raised terribly, or that our money is just going to be become that much less. I think it's dumb though to be talking about lowering taxes when it is so obvious we aren't going to make it on that ground.

This week too they said that another 150,000 people lost their jobs in just the month of September. I think that's going to happen a lot and I don't know if I won't be included in that group. There is a contract at work that states that if the state stops funding the agencies that the contract between us is null and void. California governor Arnold Swarzenagger is asking for 7 billion dollars this week to keep government services open. He's talking about police, fire, city, teachers, etc. A place like our as a day training service for adults with developmental disabilities is also paid by the state. We are now in dead last place as to money paid by state for people with DD. I am thinking the priorities of our state would be that we are one of the first people cut if the state were to stop paying.

Already they are not paying many of the group homes ... they are paying, but they are backed up ... some of the places not being payed since May - so being 4 months behind. I know that our place is two months behind in getting paid by the state. I think reasonably we need to be thinking of how that's all going to take place. I understand the problem with California was they were late in making their budget by a couple of months, and even though it is normal to borrow money to cover costs - the banks had stopped loaning by that time.

We're hearing Ali is on Oprah this week. They are playing a lot of that because he's a hometown boy - as to being CNN's economic advisor. He makes it relatively easy to understand. Hmm, TJ's still on and it is past 10 am. Cool cool.

Rich just woke up and he's headed toward a shower. He says it's been two days ... I think he's feeling pretty grundgy. Hehehe ... we still think he's cute. In between here he got up once to go to the bathroom and we layed down with him a few moments. He was laying quietly under the covers with his eyes shut and we just lay there watching him ... just to make sure he was ok. It was about 3 minutes then all of a sudden he opened his eyes. He said he couldn't sleep with me staring at him. We giggled and moved on.

He said something about looking for some kind of senior care because something was going to be needed to be done. We'll wait until he gets out of the shower and I pour him some coffee before we start to figure out what needs to be done. I know he got one phone call this morning, but he'd picked it up in the kitchen and had gone back to bed. I don't know if then there is new information. We told him first off that his mother could come and live with us. He said thanks, but said I don't think that will be necessary. I'm just not sure how serious this all is. I know it was enoug for him to come home on his biggest fishing contest of the year. He did say for the record that he had been in third place. He's going to need carrying that in his mind now for an entire year.

Hmm, I was at the senior center place for the state of Illinois. It seems that to receive coordinated services you need to connect to an agency that offers case management services ... not too different from what our CSO people do. There is an 800 number for seniors, but it is only open 9-5 on weekdays. I'm pretty sure that's what Rich is going to need doing if he wants to get help for his mom. They seem to offer services to keep seniors in their homes. Pretty much things like getting food, housekeeping, taking medicine, or other general nursing care. It seems like there is a $17,500 maxim where if they make more than this they need to chip in for the costs. I think Rich's mother and Bud have put some money aside. It would be interesting to know if they service couples. I don't know how bad things are to get Rich to be looking into this. Like how long is Bud going to be in the hospital. I'm guessing he's looking for someone to look in daily on his mother, but we'll see. I think he's almost done getting dressed.

He seems to be moving in fast forward motion. It's my guess within the hour he'll be headed out to see his mother. I really, really wish that he'd let me in to present myself to the mother so I could help with keeping her company, etc. Especially, on weekends. In a pinch, I could take my computer out there and keep her company. I know this is a while down the line, but he needs to consider long-term care. If matter of fact there were a reason to get a bigger home, like the one in Elgin, it would be for him to move in Bud and his Mom. I've always felt very strong that parents should be given the opportunity to live with family. I'd like to add the condition at least as long as they could handle their behavior. But, we know that Richs mom can get pretty crabby.

Ahh ... we're back again ... it's now noon and Rich has just left to go to his mothers. We've gotten a chance to talk for a bit - not real long, but we've been filled in some. What he confessed was that Bud might have gotten hurt by trying to pick up Rich's mother 3 times due to her drunkeness. Ouch.

Ok, so this is the new reality. I'd forgotten before that she'd have a drinking problem. Rich's expectation is that she's going to need stopping. I don't think it's going to be that easy. She's addicted and it's going to be a very bad battle. Specially since she doesn't want to stop drinking. Rich says that she'll have a couple of drinks, but then it will go to like a half dozen drinks or more. The only way she can get the alcohol is for Bud to get it for her. Rich says she drinks because she's blind, can't get around and is deaf. I don't know why you would have to drink in those situations, because alcohol would make all them worse, but then that would be to say that she doesn't understand the nature of alcoholism. My basis in it is that my father and grandfathers were all alcoholic. I know that my father was very argumentative, so I'm scolding Rich for arguing back with his mother. He just feeds the fuel, because the arguing is as out of control as the drinking.

Hmm, there's a lunatic on the news channel who feels he must be chicken little and is cutting out others with his argumentativeness. Ugh left the room for a couple of minutes. Well that and I needed to get my phone. It's recharged now and I want to make myself available to Rich. Hmm, had to turn off the CNN. They couldn't get that guy under control during the commercial and they decided to continue engaging his whiney ass. Man ... that stuff is horrendous. How does his wife put up with him?

So now we're listening to the military channel which is much calmer. They are talking about missiles. Might be more deadly, but at least it sounds quieter in the background.

Oh one more thing ... I texted the boys and Alexis ... just to say hi and see if any of them would like to talk. It seems like such a long time in between things. I don't think anyone will take advantage of my offer to talk, but it is after noon now and at least I figure they are all up.

Going back to Rich's situation. I know after he started to talk it was going to be a touch situation. I didn't think he'd have much luck keeping his mother from drinking. She's saying things to him like just put me in the nursing home. And, he's like ... do you think they'd let you drink and smoke? I think the mother is in a tough spot. She doesn't have control over her drinking, and her world seems to be falling apart. I told Rich that we should look at her living with us and he's saying no way ... she would be put in a nursing home first. He doesn't want to be saddled down with the problems that she's putting out for the rest of her life.

I think when I'm looking at the extreme parts of things ... would be if she were here and wasn't getting alcohol, how hard would she work for it. For example would she threaten to burn the place down if she didn't get it and would she then try. It seems at this stage she's caring very little for herself. We had learned from Sue an her mother that she was throwing shit around literally. I'm thinking could I put up with that? I'd have to say no. I think that's part of what Rich is saying ... he would not choose to live in the insanity. He would ask for help in controlling his mother's behavior before taking it all on himself.

At this point, he is thinking that he might have to stay with her this weekend and this week, but he's not sure of how he's going to be able to do that and be at work. He's going to need judging that for himself. He did take down the number I had given him. I found while he was in the shower the number for Kendall County Elderly Services. Apparently, the state gives money to local centers - like CSO to ... hmm, did I say this already? Well, I explained it to Rich. Basically, he has the number he will have to call Monday morning. It is a service provider and they will assign a case manager and hopefully, Rich will find out from them what kind of services are available for the mother. They will know right away she's an alcoholic and be able to figure out from there where to go.

Rich was able to thank me for my offers, but he wasn't able to give me much to do which makes me feel terrible. I think that he shouldn't have to go through this all by himself. He's setting it up right now that I'm his at home help. I think I'm supposed to be sane while he handles whatever is coming up so he doesn't go crazy himself. When he left I was saying ... just don't argue with her. Rich is thinking that he wouldn't get her anything to drink where Bud would put himself under the pressure of her yelling to get the alcohol. He's a classic enabler and Rich thinks he could be different. I don't envy him for what he is going to go through.

We didn't talk this part out with Rich, but my thinking is that they are going to need putting together services very quickly, but that Bud, really should not be alone with Rich's mother. Bud's family is worrying that she is putting him in danger by being so needy and my thought is as much as they've helped both of them, they wouldn't put their father or grandfather in harms way. They will most likely cut out their availabilty to her. She's worn through to many bridges, or soon will be. I think that until Rich gets some services put aside he's going to need staying out there. I wouldn't trust that if she were left only with Bud, she wouldn't get alcohol. Rich is talking about the biggest problem is getting her to the bathroom especially if she's been drinking.

I get frustrated with Rich in his saying he wouldn't introduce me to her in this position. He feels very responsible that it is his problem and he wouldn't put that on me. But, I think that I could be of help in someone to be with her if Rich couldn't be. We knew this week was going to be important because he needs to be firing people, or at least JVS will fire people and Rich has to be around to help that situation out. I could always take time off until emergency services could be put in place. I would like to think that she could come here, but I think there might be problems getting her up the stairs and it might be dangerous to her in getting to know a new place without site. I think these things could be managed if she weren't drinking, but she's of danger to everything as long as she's got booze.

Rich and I talked about what would happen if they had to put her in a nursing home. He doesn't think that Bud is ready for that sort of thing. I thought there was a chance that he might go with her just to keep her around, but then realistically I would think it be much better for him to have her in a nursing home, and he just come to visit every day. Or at least most days. Then he wouldn't have to handle the physcially dangerous part, and she would be able to get through withrdrawl with some kind of professional support. I'm not sure though how many places would be willing to put up with that kind of situation. The service centers that might be the most help, might not be the nicest of centers.

WooHOO!!! Got a few messages back. Thom is coming home next weekend! He said he's paying half and his father is paying half. In some ways I don't feel as if I deserve a visit because I wasn't able to help Thom. I also think that he needs to spend time more with Alexis and worry about us less even though I hope to see him. I actually hope to see them together. I feel like every moment he can he should be WITH Alexis. It's a really big deal to be married and I feel really strong for them as love being separated. I know that I'd be miserable without Rich. I can do the time without him here, but he preoccupies a certain part of my mind and heart. I worry more and sleep less when he's not here ... I find myself just wanting. Alexis texted and Thom called ... Alexis was at work. She's trying to work this weekend so she can be off next weekend. We know she has Friday off and that will be the day he comes home. She'll be picking him up. I'm just so happy for them.

Thom said he might call back later, but now he was going to go to a basketball game. He said also that he's going to be starting school tomorrow. So that's a pretty big deal. He's living now with one of the 2651's and is pretty surrounded by them. He's going to be just with them most of the time now. I'm so glad he gets to come home. I just love that kid!

*Sigh*

Feel momish...

But, we should finish our thoughts first on Rich's mother. One thing that he didn't really say, but might need to be said ... is what happens if he's going to need living with his mother? What happens if he made the choice to live with her rather than to "bring her here?" I know that I'm going to have to say ok to that too, but I'm not sure if he would do that. I don't know what his exact needs are. I know he loves his mother to pieces, but we also discussed how stubborn and difficult she is ... and I would have to say that Rich can be stubborn and difficult too. For the record me too. I'm stubborn and difficult. I find that with Rich and me we've learned to handle each other and ourselves enough so we can do stubborn without taking over the others' life. Rich might complain about my spending, but I spend primarily my money. I can spend $2600 a month in the drop of my hat. Well, you know how all that goes ... we're still making a lot of payments. Ok, let's not go here again. If anyone knows my financial situation it's you.

It's funny ... I just thought for a moment about Honor Balzac. One of the things he did was to talk about money. He talked about stipends that one or another person we're getting. It all really comes down to that. If you are making such and such a stipend than you get that much more that comes with that certain amount of pay. I think that is how I feel about money ... at least my money. With this amount it allows me to have these certain things and I am like everyone trying to squeeze the most of my nickels.

Actually, I think this is why our country is in so much trouble is that people spend more than they have. I did it before I went bankrupt and I probably do it by spreading my money so thin. Rich reminded me when asking about getting Thom home that he had spent all that money getting us to San Diego and back. He was right. He'd spent quite a bit. I thought I'd have more money to contribute, but I don't think I contributed much in reality because there had been something else that had come up that needed immediate attention. I don't recall what it was, but there is always something. It goes back to what Dr. Marvin had mentioned in that we are always ready to spend the money as soon as it comes in.

I think Rich's mother and Bud are in a little better situation, in that she is holding about $100,000 for her two sons. I guess that her and Bud live off the interest - along with their social securities. I don't know what is going to happen though when it comes to Bud's kids. They have helped out as taking care of the both of the elders, but Rich says the money is his mothers and it should come to them - though the money won't be used until both the elders are gone heaven forbid. I don't think $50,000 buys much in this day and age, but it should be enough if she needs to be in a home to pay her way for something better than not. It's unfortunate that she may have to use it, but at least its there for her to use. It's kind of a security in that she gets an extra $7-8000 a year. I think that's about what comes from it.

There is still the question though of what's going to happen between them - the elder two. I understand the precariousness of Rich's family in that push come to shove ... you protect your own first. That family should not put Bud back in a situation that might be so dangerous. Rich really knows that. I don't know what he would go through if he had to put his mother in a nursing home, but I think between us there is that knowledge that you have to do what has to be done. Older people in need of excess help, need to pay for that service. We no longer live in a culture that someone can stay home with the loved one. I would tell Rich honestly, that if he could afford not to have me work, I would stay with his mother. I'm not kidding myself in that it would be an easy situaiton. I would have to do something to bare up against the arguing. I think I've done pretty well with it and Sr. in not arguing back, but there still is feelings of anger and frustration.

I don't know what kind of feelings Rich is having today. I have to be here and open to him in his expression of those thoughts and feelings. I think that it would be impossible for anyone to put his or her mother in a home without feeling some sense of guilt and shame. If Rich would let it happen in a way we could help her or them more directly, I think we should look at that. Not to say we wouldn't look for all our options, but shoot ... you don't get many mothers in your life. Just that Rich is so gosh darn functional. He would most likely think of a home the same he would anything else. For example, he uses a library thinking that it is a service meant for him and that it should be used. I don't think he thinks necessary of nursing homes being bad - more likely they are necessary. I don't think I feel as comfortable with all that. I don't want to imagine that his mother doesn't have better choices.

I wonder if she wasn't a drinker if Rich would allow us to take care of her. Maybe that doesn't matter because it isn't a fact. I feel bad for her in her quality of life, because if she wasn't drinking she might spend the rest of her life wishing she were dead. I don't know how appreciative she could be if she wasn't getting what she wanted. I go back to the memory of what I know in that my father made his last few months with Sandy to be very miserable. I could see Rich's mother as a person who also might make another's life miserable. I know that Rich is trying to protect me and then again leaving me as a safety between us. He said before he left that how I could help him today is to get healthy. To go to the gym. Of course, that let off some litany in that I didn't think he was taking care of himself. You knew we were going to have some discussion on him and his son having driven so long. Rich said that I was an option, but a distant one. That makes me feel bad in that he couldn't trust me to help him.

Maybe that says something of the moment ... more like I don't know what happened to my day, but we haven't written nearly as much as we have wanted, we haven't started our AOL plans and we haven't gotten to the gym today. So ... maybe that is something we will have to handle pretty soon. I think today would be a walking, biking, and circuit training lifting day, and hopefully we'll find the pool is again open and we can go and do that tomorrow.

Ok, so why don't we focus on that right now. What does it take to get us back up and running, especially after a couple of days off. We've got to be more serious than that. Maybe I should think of getting dressed? Then we could take a shower after we got back. That probably be a good idea, right?

posted by Ann Marie @ 10/05/2008 06:11:00 AM Comments: 0