Ayn's Multiple World

Pretty Long ... You Know a Saturday ...

Good morning. This is me. It’s a Saturday morning again … and it’s about 6 am. We’re just getting up … we went to bed about 8 last night so that was a pretty long sleep. I would show you what we look like, but it seems we look particularly bad.

That’s enough there we’re moving on.

We got home from work pretty late last night … We stayed at work until 6:30 pm. We were trying to finish something up … We take notes on flashcards of what’s happening with the clients and then we type out those notes in a Q Chrononote (special format) and then we file the original cards in a metal card box. It’s a system. It helps in circumstances such as our PAS agent coming to look at what’s happening with the clients. And, it helps us remember the various things that are going on. We don’t do one all the time, just to put some kind of note, so some clients will go on for like a year without a note, because we don’t have to do anything special with them, but there are other clients who have like 22 pages of information written about them. Shoot … that reminds me I think we left the typed report on the printer …

Ok, that’s good … I just sent a note to sister. I really had meant to put those papers in the clients file, but I’d forgotten. I asked Sister to put them on my desk. I also wanted to make her aware of what they were because the situation with the family has been reported and the Office of Inspector General might be visiting us soon, due to things happening with the family. That is what I was doing there so late … I had a stack of cards that I hadn’t input into the Q Chrononote yet and that was bothering me, because it felt like unmet business. I should probably update all the client files with the reports, but for now, we’re satisfied that they are in the computer, all except this one persons. That has to be up-front. Ok, ok … just calming down now.

I don’t know why on a Saturday morning I am still thinking of work, but I would guess it’s a process of unwinding. I need to sort out all that is happened and let it go. So, with that in mind what else is there. I think that yesterday pretty much sped by especially due to all the meetings.

The administration meeting went pretty well, but when we got to the part of discussing the stuff from the staff training meeting then Sister got a little upset … Yeeks! Our friend came to the rescue though in that he helped calm the situation down and he had in this manner been a knight in shining armor. He doesn’t usually take the side that I’m presenting, so we were especially grateful. Basically, there were 7 points listed – we had typed this list prior to the admin meeting they were all basic ideas of improvement that the staff came up with after going through 2 weeks of Universal Precautions and about 36 pages of OSHA regulations. I thought they’d done an exceptional job, but as expected sister had gotten upset. Like I said our friend help and after we started going through items at the meeting, she calmed down someone. She didn’t say too much at the staff meeting when our friend responded to the list in front of the big group. Many of the ideas actually were accepted in some format and the ones that weren’t were explained. Like there was one difference in that the staff preferred using bleach and water for sterilizing and sister wanted to use Mr. Clean. They both had different ideas about who was using what in the industry. I wouldn’t know, but I presented the group consensus.

Sr. had decided not to use it because it could release noxious fumes when mixed with other solvents. The staff was only mixing it with water, but had thought it was because a couple of clients had damaged clothing. Things like this make Sister upset … not sure why it’s just a matter of communication.

Some of the ideas really did go over like using lined bags for women’s private things in the bathroom, and putting a few paper items like Kleenex, wipes, and paper towels in the vans. It was all that kind of stuff. At the beginning of the safety meeting when our friend had asked if there was anything to be brought up, one of the more assertive DSPs looked at me and said what about what we’d talked about. It made me very glad that we’d carried through and had presented Sister with the list.

It’s a gutsy thing to do because you know sister is going to be upset. But, then the staff had some valid suggestions and they needed someone to voice them. I did my best in standing up for the ideas in the Administration meeting. Trying to think now that it was an ok thing to do. Sister just seemed to take the viewpoint that we were ganging up on her or something. But, every month in the safety meeting it is asked if we have any concerns and she can SAY that if there’s a problem come to me, but its hard to because it ruffles her. But, we did it and now its over. PSHWOO… Breathe girl, breath…



Ok, moving on … because we do have school work and we’re going to have some house work too, because we have that person coming over with the C-pap machine on Monday.

Yeeks. Theoretically, she’s not going past the living room, but then there’s always that fear someone is going to use your bathroom or want to walk through the house for coffee or something. Shoot … it’s been a very long time since we’ve had anyone over, but our friend. Even the boys aren’t over more than MAYBE a couple of times a year. And, sometimes the maintenance guy will come in, but other than that? It’s really a private home and me and the kitties prefer it that way. There’s the one friend at work who has come over a couple of times with her husband for Chinese, but even that is very rare. So, basically, what we’re saying is that we might have to gear ourselves up to setting the timer, and that might be better started today so there isn’t too much pressure Monday morning. I think she is supposed to be here from about 11 to 1 pm. Ok, but for now we’re letting that go.

I think we’re about scheduled for medicine that will help us calm down … it’s about 7 am now. Almost. Let me think here now … anything else? I think Sister would have preferred the other Q in on the meeting staff meeting, because we switch every month, but I’m glad I got to go so I could see the ideas presented.

That meant there was no Thinking Group, but that will be presented next week. Soooo, I guess that’s about all I remember from work at the time being.

Hmm, I looked over at our blog. It seems that we didn’t talk about Dr. Marvin’s because we were having a psychotic moment. I’m not sure about all that, but in general the main focus of this last meeting was that Dr. Marvin was going to need taking off a week. He is going down to Puerto Rico to meet with other Doctors who are directors over psychiatry interns. Wow, I didn’t even know that group met … it has to be a pretty exclusive list … mostly from hospitals, I would guess. I thought it was a smooth move to be meeting in such an exotic location. Yeah, like these guys suffer. I can’t quite imagine it, but maybe we should ask sister to send us to the Bahamas next! Hehehe.

Now we can laugh about it, but during the meeting it was a little tearful. I don’t recall the specifics, but I know we had to process it. Usually, that means younger parts are in and out. I really don’t know what happened though. Maybe more will come back to me later on .

Just as an aside … we had to put on the braces because our hands were sore at the bending areas or close to the wrist. So, it is going to take us a few minutes to readjust to the stiffness of the braces. I forget sometimes that we need things like this and then when our body starts acting up its like oh yeah I remember now … we just gotta do … Hmm, maybe too part of it is because we take a couple medicines for pain … AND it’s now 7 am official better get that done, brb.

AHA! We found breakfast in there! Good thinking! Just a bowl of cereal, but some good stuff. Oh oh … screaming girl woke up across the hall. Ahh … that’s done … good stuff. Now just gotta wait a little bit and then maybe the aches will go away too. Ok, so what’s next? Officially, I guess we would start the cleaning at about 8 am … that sounds about right … Not a good idea to jump in these things so fast we land on our face. We as normal have to think through what is going to happen. Are we that past our last week? Let’s check … holding school on the side … hey did we ever show you our grades ?!!  Nah … we won’t do that, but they all look pretty good … 100s! I’m soooo proud of that … I’d like to get started again pretty soon after we get through the cobwebs, because as you can imagine we’re behind. We have a real hard time trying to work during the week and do school work. Most the time we are thinking well maybe we’re a student, but I don’t know how to do all that.

We’re working on it.

Hmm, computer system had become unstable … we had to close a few programs, so we saved this work and am now looking toward getting things safe again. It might take a few moments to focus proper.

Ok, AOL is up and running again … I had gotten that message saying that if this keeps annoying you – the bleeping – then you have too many things open. We hadn’t opened anything recently so we take that to be a bogus excuse to bleep us. Hmpf!

Ok, focus anything else on the week. Haven’t talked to Deb for a while, maybe we can catch up a little by this evening. We both seem to have our patterns of getting through the week … and with so many people that stop by her blog, I can imagine that she does a lot of visiting. But, by this time of the week … I’m looking forward to a little Deb-time!

Nothing new on the boys … our friend? AHA! He’s coming over tonight about 6 pm or thereafter. He wasn’t sure … he had to spend the day in training for basketball.

We talked about that a little bit … he says there’s this part he usually skips where umpires practice the moves on the court about 1/3 the size and is usually material he’s already imprinted in his mind after being with the sport over 30 years. Poor baby.

We’ll look forward to seeing him. I don’t know what we’ll be talking about. Maybe just the both of us getting through the week … I think we’ve heard some of his situation. He stopped in at the office before leaving the center yesterday and was talking about some stuff going on, like I think he was working on a couple of big contracts this week and that he was having some success with all that. Pretty much though … we’ll want to get on with some of the mushy stuff and to the part where we are catching up on his kids. I know more than anything else … that is the area that is most important to him. He is a very attentive father. We love that part of him and feel honored when he shares some of his thoughts, concerns, and worries.

I was going to say something here, but we forgot where we were at. Shoot, don’t like when that happens.

Ok, better keep moving … anything else about our sweetie? Nope, nope … not too much going on there. Just know that we are getting closer and closer to must needs in getting ourselves back in shape. We are going to need confronting that our body is getting more and more dilapidated. Ok, that’s enough of that for the time being.

We are about 10 minutes away from 8 am … and we think we should get something down for the housekeeping. I think we should start with emptying the dishwasher. Ok, started the timer. In 9 minutes we’ll do that. We had started a load last night.

The second project will be cleaning off the desk area. That means that we’ll need a fresh garbage bag when we are in the kitchen. That doesn’t seem too hard … and then, without getting ahead of ourselves too much … the next task in general is the living room, so we might want to take care of some of the clutter that is on the back of the couch like books and clothes and stuff. Yes, we are just this bad. No surprises here though, right? You’ve heard it all before? Hmm, looks like we are having some snow flurries. Ok, that just means the light is muted bright out there.

Yeeks Missy is having a meowing problem all of a sudden … 4 minutes to go is a bad time for her to come up and have some rub downs. She’ll have to handle it. Ok, trying not to panic here about needing to empty dishwasher. When the beeper rings, we are just going to get up and do it, right? It will be ok? Just think how happy our friend will be with a clean place when he stops by. If we were really really good, maybe he would help us and run the vacuum around the living room for a few moments. That would help out a lot. Hmm … maybe? We’ll think to ask .. I’m not sure if he is going to sign on this morning, but he’s due to if he is going to do it at all pretty soon.

Ok, good, good … that wasn’t too bad. Next, let’s make this 20 minute sessions … set the timer, ok? Ok, good. That’s going … what do we need to discuss next? Feels like we’re riding on the surface of things this morning. Ahh, fresh cup of coffee. Maybe we’re to the part of school? NOOOO, not that! Ok, ok shhhh… maybe we’ll get into that more gradually. Why don’t we start though by just looking to see if there is any mail … ok? We’ll just slip in and out of school .. no big problem, K?

Ok … that was kinda nice. I had gone in and stayed long enough to read and respond to a post left to me by a peer. I am always grateful of comments, especially the ones who seem to think out more toward what I was saying. This one took the time to offer me another view that wasn’t as negative as where we were at. Plus, she added a nice little comment about being fascinated with our comments. To be sure, I think she’s the type that might be fascinated with a lot of comments left by peers, because she is interested in learning about behavior. But, it is still an honor to be thought well of by her.

We, need to reconsider a few moments of our time. Our friend called again to as he frequently does … to minimize our time together, by saying he’ll be a couple hours later than he had planned. His schedules typically are arranged like this. I think I’m feel sorry for ourselves because we had thought that 6 pm was late – past dinner time and now he’s saying 7:30-8:00. We’ve long since complained about doing time with him after we’ve become sleepy and that the time is quickly consumed and he is out the door, because we don’t want to see him driving home overly tired. But, it interferes with having a real time with him. One where we go through other experiences beside just undressing and going to bed. I don’t want in the least to diminish the value of this activity, but it makes me afraid that it is the only one that counts in his book. I think now its probably the frustration of the situation that’s allowing me to be this negative. It is very similar to the one the peer in the previous paragraph had caught me in thinking negatively. I feel hurt and I don’t know if I should or not, because I’m sure our friend doesn’t mean to put us off, but then he’s not doing anything to prevent it. And, because its become such a pattern, I don’t know if I’m not being used here. I know that my feeling at the time is to cancel out all together. Hmm … we just called. We thought we were going to leave a message so we could explain, cuz we know about his meeting. But, he picked up. I said we wanted to cancel the meeting with him tonight, and he said in his frustrated manner, let’s talk about that later. And, we said, call first. I don’t want to talk about it after he gets here. Earlier, when he’d talked he said something that is also beginning to be a pattern. He brought up that we were both busy people and had things to be doing. I know that he was referring to school work, but he only wants us to focus on school work, when it doesn’t interfere with the time he does want to spend here. I feel mad because he uses my time going to school when he wants to be doing more and more on his own time. This week he had not only games, but he had cards on two separate nights, and that was after a meeting with his fishing buddies.

I just get sooo frustrated. And, am now feeling a little down. Chief is on my arm so I don’t feel like cleaning either. That’s one of the problems we’d said something that we were working on the clock to get things done – cuz the beeper had rung while we were talking … and so then he said something toward him regulating our work and then we got angry again. We were doing our work, because we knew and wanted to get it done. It’s the pride you have when someone is coming to your house.

Ok, better … try to back away from the negative attitudes … we will still want to for ourselves, get the school and housework done. So, that means for now getting back onto the clock. Kitty has gotten up because of the fzztzer so it’s a good time to get up and get some stuff done. Ok, ok … looking around here … it seems we need a garbage … let’s get that done, k sweetie??

Pshwoo. Ok, ok … that’s done … let’s set the timer again now, K? That’s us being a good girl. Ok, ok a big girl. An adult? I don’t know … can we stretch it that far? I know shhhh… Not nice to be shhhh’d myself!

Ok, next task cleaning wise is to put away some of the clothes out here … I don’t think we’ll be able to fold our blankets in the same time period up … too much stress on the back, even though there are only about 4 things to hang up. We don’t get so far when there are so many times up in a relative short amount of time. Now … the harder part for this time being. What are we going to do about the school next? We’ve been in and out of the classroom and there are no emergencies. It seems the last thing we were left off doing was finishing the reading of that one chapter – 11 pages. Maybe we better take care of that now, K? Instead of getting too cozy on the couch since were cleaning too, maybe we better read here at the table? Let’s try, k?

Hmm … too hard … we froze the time on the clock and we’re going to do this next hour concentrated on the reading … OVER on the couch. We heard you. BRB.

WooHOOO!!! Done reading … at least for now … We’ll have to do a little rereading of the part on Dissonance theory. I get most of it … its in general that differences between your attitude and behavior will change your attitude, but there are certain conditions that apply and its those conditions that I have to go over again.

Everything is outlined, but I wasn’t following all the arguments. I think I will have to work more on applying them to understand their truths. Let’s see first how much I’m going to need understanding it, or at least how fast. I have to admit that the theory of dissonance is very important to me… Matter of fact it was probably the most important factor I picked up in social psychology while doing it late in our BA studies. I liked the idea that we are impelled to do something because it feels more uncomfortable not to do something. Like for example, I feel more uncomfortable being caught (by the salesman) as to having a messy house than I feel uncomfortable in cleaning it … and you all know how much fun we have with cleaning. I don’t want the bad feelings of her thinking I’m unfit, so the consequence is that we’ll kick into cleaning gear. Which reminds us that we moved, or were at least impelled to move in our last turnover items of clean clothing from the back of the couch and hanging it up. Next, we have to get to the blankets left unfolded and the extra odd items left on the coffee table. Better continue the timer method.

Ok, just jumped that a sec. We folded one blanket so that we could get to opening one curtain. We figured there was a better chance in cleaning and enjoying the living more if there were light coming in. Something about cabin fever I think.

The biggest hold up seems to be in clean clothing and towels and such. We had a problem with the kitties messing up the sheets on our couch and bed, so that had overwhelmed us ALONG with the fact we’ve been having problem getting up and down the stairs. It’s really become too costly to wash our clothes at the cleaners, but we need the confidence that we can get up our stairs at least three times. That’s a lot considering two times we’re carrying something. It doesn’t help in that that means we are only getting done one washload where in truth there are probably at least 3 loads to wash … one for clothes, one for towels, and one for sheets.

There’s probably at least one extra load in that some of these others will flow over one basket. So, officially let’s say there are four loads to wash and we are unsure of ourselves being able to wash just one load.

The only way we are going to get through it is to assume the best in that we can at least wash one set of items per day. That means one today, Sunday, and Monday while off, and then an extra load, which means getting up early on Tuesday. UNLESS, our sweetie pie was to wash one load for us tonight while he’s in, or possibly if he comes in on Monday. Since we have 3 free days … its probably best we try to do 3 of the 4 loads. Now we’ll have to assume that one of his trips over there will be enough time to get through two hours of tasks. And, with that in mind … we have to figure what are the chances we are going to be out of bed that long, or be able to tolerate that much interruption in our often going to bed with him behaviors. Not much odds. SINCE our sweetie doesn’t seem to come over long enough to do anything else, but bed us down … odds are, we cannot ask for his help. Even with the vacuuming. Probably then it is best to dash these hopes. WHICH means presuming the best of us … we’re going to need forcing these next 3 days at least one load of clothes each day. Finding the right opportunity where we are dressed, clothes are gathered, and there is enough quarters … then we have taken a major mental step in getting things accomplished. So, let’s take the easiest route first and check on our quarters.

Ok, that barrier is past … we are good for two days laundry, but am short the third day by 4 quarters. This might be fixed either through our sweetie contributing toward wash from his general pocket tonight or Monday, or from our stash of change in the car, or in that we’ll take the car out and make some change from a purchase.

Ok, this is the way life happens right? We’re here for some purpose? Hmm, now we have a choice in that the beeper rang, but we’re looking forward to a lunchable stacker, which is the low lunch option of having crackers, cheese, and a goodie.

While this isn’t a high lunch option it seems like a good start for our ability need at the moment. Question is can we stretch ourselves and do a little living room chore before eating. Cmon baby, we could do that, right? Ok, let’s try … look behind you … don’t be scared, lets try fixing the three small blankets picking up the items on the floor sweetie left while progressing the new chair … and maybe even picking up his few items left on the table and straightening the magazines. That’s not too much … we’ll hold you up in case you get dizzy from the floor items. Ok, deep breath, focus, you can do this! Go sweetie!

Pshwoo that was hard … we got most things picked up, but we werent’ able to get some dirty clothes – towel & socks to the dirty clothes … and we werent’ ready to get the dirty sheets to the dirty wash … lastly we needed to move a pair of shoes and bag of garbage moved into another bag of garbage. We have three bottles of water to bring out to the kitchen and a cup, and one carton from juice to throw away. That’s all enough for another round of being up, but for right now … CRACKERS!!!! That’ll help with the dizziness.

Mmm that was nice, but now we have ourselves worked up over the chair. We decided that the back of the chair has to go, and while it pulled off the other side, the right side isn’t letting go. We were hoping that it would become likewise stripped and pull away, which would release the back. The logic is that it would look more like a stool than a broken chair when the c-pap person gets here, and in addition it would make it easier to maneuver around this corner of the living room. It would mean also that we move the other side chair to another room … broken chair … and we move the eventual Christmas present chair (now over 2 months dysfunctional) to the side chair position, which might open up the living room again, even though we don’t need the TV the chair is hiding. That be a good idea, right?

AHA! Good, been there, done that. That’s a little improvement. We made in the process the big chair switch. I can’t believe the difference. I know the chair sits higher, but it is a firmer bottom, though soft. I think more like a firm something … I don’t know, but its going to be a good switch though a little different with my hands position on the keyboard. I think it’s a more natural position, just need to readjust. I’m going to ask sweetie to remove the back off the other chair and just leave the stool version to the side. I moved the other chair out. It may look broken, but it’s a valuable thing to sit on if there are two people by the computer like when we’re watching sweetie do something here. Also good in case the granddaughters ever come over.

Ok, look around … it’s 12:30 pm and no paper has been written. What do we have as far as living room finished? Hmm, think we should dust and wipe the two tables down. That be a nice thing. Then, we could still ask sweetie pie to vacuum for us.

IF we say its ok to come over. Remember we placed that call and said that we didn’t think he should come over. What are we going to do with that ladies? Hmm? Dear … let’s try it out.

Ok, first thing first … we know we love him. We do want to see him, but we’re kinda mad. Why? Because he’s coming over so late and spending so little time with us.

It will end up being just a couple of hours. He did suggest we take a nap, but that takes us out of our time and doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s coming over after a full day and will be tired. We like to rub his back, but we would like to think we could have a little more. I think though that we get in trouble in comparing our needs and his needs. They aren’t always the same thing. He wants to rest and relax with us, maybe play around a little. What is it that we want? We want to do activities with him, and THEN relax. No, we can’t do many activities, but we can do something? What are we missing. Cuz, for the most part he does wonderful talking with us … unless he’s too stressed. So, its not that. AND, we get a very nice cuddly time. Surely, that helps. What else could there be? I feel as if I were a bear coming out of his cave after a long winter. Needs to look around and say what’s up!??

We can’t go shopping … it would be nice to see a movie. I think I like best driving … you know where you go so far you start seeing trees and looking for dear. And, all the time you are holding someone’s hand and sharing their space. Now, that’s a kind a nice thing to do. AND, it would be like sharing an experience. Sometimes our sweetie likes to do this, but I think he thinks more of playing in the woods!

AHA! BUT, the point is that we’re out doing something fun together. AND, even sometimes its when there is still daylight. Sometime I think we’re vampire people, cuz he comes over so late. My oh my are we still going through a feeling sorry for self mood yet?? *Sigh*

Ok, I know we were working through something … what is it dears that you would like to do with your sweetie along with driving and visiting bluffs and trees. AND LAKES!! Ok, granted. Would be nice to watch him fishing. NOOOO we don’t want to fish, no … I just wanted to watch! That would make me smile. Or, maybe he could teach us to play cards. Hmm, have to own a deck first! I know, I know… I don’t think poker is real fun with just two people. We could play other games? Yeeks.

This is sounding like watching TV together. In all these 14 years, we’ve rarely done that. Takes away from our backrubbing, soft-chatting time. Remember?!!

I know, I know.



What are we to do … You’ll know you probably let him over … that’s always the way.

But, that’s not fair either. He said he’d bring a surprise … how bout that?!?

Well, that’s kinda nice … we had told him that he’d have to choose the surprise. That’s when we were wanting him to come over … If we don’t say this is not acceptable … he’s always going to take advantage and never align to OUR schedule.

Our schedule is we need some time, EVEN if he DOESN’T vacuum.

Hmm, quarter to one … think this is a way of avoiding paper writing and cleaning?

Hmm? Who me?!??

I think we skip dusting wipe down the tables and say ptooey to anything else today.

Hey what about washing clothes. NO … I’m not getting dressed. We’re not going anywhere so I refuse! Hmmm…

That’s not going to help? No, but it will make me feel better. We were reading about attitudes … don’t you think this is like having a bad attitude. I don’t care … It’s mine! Sometimes when people get bad attitudes then their behavior becomes bad … like you don’t want to do something. That’s right … I don’t! Well, that be ok, but what is it that you want to do? We didn’t get our sweet roll this morning.

No. We didn’t, but if we were to do that, we’d need to get dressed. NOOOOO! I don’t want it then either. How about a granola bar … and while your in the kitchen you could get a wet washcloth for the tables? And, maybe some paper towels? This is a trick! Is it working? Maybe. What would it take?



There there … that’s not your happy face. Leave me alone. Can’t leave you alone … you’re my sweetie pie! Sure a nap be nice … but we need to work. I know … the kitty wants to nap. Hmmm… nap? It would have to be conditional. If there was a nap, then afterward there would have to still be at least one paper written. 1 pm now … wake up 3 – 3:30 eat, write from 4 to 8? That be a deal? Hmm? K? We’ll try that. Go get your granola and the wash cloth first though, k? Let’s finish up here :)

SMOOOCH!

WoooHOOO we’re back! It’s now 2:45. We’re now eating some vegetables and then we’re going to do an early meal, because … because what? Does this mean that Sweetie Pie can come over? You know I read this about girls … they like to take away … here hold on let me look I’ll tell you exactly what this is.

Girls will be more indirectly or relationally aggressive than boys … that includes telling lies to get someone in trouble, putting them out of desired activities, targeting a person’s relationships and social status, such as threatening to end a friendship, and engaging in gossip and backbiting, and trying to others to dislike the target.

Yep, yep … that’s all the bad things girls do more than boys. Now we’re going to have to think about that … especially the second one “putting them out of desired activities” like coming over to snuggle us. Hmm? But, how do we get past the frustration of feeling like he’s taking advantage? Maybe you take advantage too?

Shall we mention vacuuming? But, it would be worse if he came over and we were mean to him like being crabby. Dr. Marvin would say do you think there might be a way of telling him we were angry without acting out the behavior. Like what? Maybe you could tell him that you don’t like it when he scheduled everyone else before you.

Well, no he wouldn’t say it like that. But, something like that. He would say it nice like I feel you are taking advantage of me by seeing me for only a couple late hours of your day. Anything else? It makes me frustrated when you give me time and then take it away like you have found better things to do. And, I don’t like it when we only go to bed. I don’t want that taken away, but I want to share other experiences with you sometimes even during the day, or for more than 2 to 3 hours.

Hmm, ok … hows that.

Hmm … ok we left the message … we stayed pretty much on course. I was disappointed in ourselves because the voice that came out was being so down. I didn’t know we were like that, but it shouldn’t surprise us. That’s another thing I don’t like … I don’t like waking up to these kinds of things, and having to deal with them all day while he goes out and does what ever he wants to do. Yes, I recognize that I’m the one not getting better and that’s all on my own,



but, he’s part of it too. I think women must be like that … we mope all day long. Then we start attacking ourselves by thinking of the reasons that we don’t deserve any better. Like who would want to come over and see that mopey face.



Ok, ok … there you go, now I got your attention … and for the record … you have a nice mopey face  Maybe do you think we got just stuck on this? Maybe it would help to do some school? You know your smart enough, but you still got to turn the work in. Not doing school maybe a subtle way of acting out the anger for other things like work, our friend, Dr. Marvin leaving. He’s coming back you know … I don’t know I think we told you … he was going to Puerto Rico with his peers. Maybe do you think that’s why were feeling rejection so much. That’s the part that got added onto our friends message … we said it feels like rejection. Maybe we feel bad cuz he’s leaving.



Ahh, I think I have something here. Cuz our friend has left before and we felt other things beside rejection … we handled things, remember. What did Dr. Marvin say before he left? Remember, we could call him?



Now, we don't know exactly what to say. 'cept our hurt-mopey face is back and it looks a little angry too ... We think to ourselves is he surrrrre he has to leave? I know with our good thinking that he's not doing it because of me, he's doing it cuz he's a doctor and a director and that's what they do. They scadoodle down to Puerto Rico ... that's better than Kansas anyday, isn't it? But do you think he cares that we feel bad cuz he's going to be gone?? He's not usually here on Saturday anyway. remember? Remember the part of him having another life like our friend ... Both got their live in partners. We gotta take care of ourselves ... remember. Ok how are we going to make this better. Yes, our friend has to bring a prize, but not Dr. Marvin. Hmm, that's going in the wrong direction I think. Why don't we think a little harder. How would we make this situation better, what would Dr. Marvin say ... hmm? He might ask us a question, cuz he usually doesn't give us too many of the answers. He might say umm... How can you take care of yourself? We would think by maybe taking a shower, but then we'd have to say, but it's not time yet. He might say, would you like to take a shower?

Maybe ... Make me feel good I think even if it wasn't for our friend. You know what else? maybe we could light a candle? and, maybe some soft music?

Hmm, music is down because of not paying. BUT, there is always AOL music ... ahh a Madonna song ... Sorry. So, we got smell, sound, think we're going in the shower for touch

It's going to be ok, right? We don’t really have to wait until Sweetie Pie comes before we have a good time.



I think sight would be putting some school in front of us and taste? How about a lemonade slushie? Hmm? Haven’t had one of those for awhile. Ok, let’s let that happen.



Now we think we better address the friend guy. We still love the hell out of him ... that’s the hard part … he’s worth all this trouble.

Ok, we’re all good here and now playing songs from XM The Heart. That should keep us good for a while. Right? Umm better hold back on that. Why don’t we warm up with a little 60’s … I am learning to identify with the songs. This was the stuff that was happening while I was 1 – 11 years old. I don’t think my parents were doing much listening to the popular stuff, but it was there and so were we … so if we were stuck hiding in our closet because our parents were bezerk … than that has to be a part of the 60’s as much as all the other.



Ok, ok … we’re up to here. It’s not that we’re going to have all the fun before our friend gets here, but it seems the atmosphere is lightening a bit.

Hmm, that lady doesn’t look too scary. Do you think she’d be interested in looking at some HOME WORK??!!! Just about 2 ½ hours left. Wouldn’t that be the deal??

Hmm, looking through the document … we’re like about 16 pages into our day and haven’t done school yet?? Somethings wrong with that. ‘Yknow they just can’t take the 60’s out of ya! Blood or soul.



This is me after doing some stuff on-line. I don’t want to write about it, but it was sobering nonetheless. This

Is us being a green eyed monster. It’s kind of like a feeling of not being good enough … I think … no … I’m not going to think any more like that. We need to pull back into our own shell. I want to feel the love of our sweetie pie. We don’t want to share. This is about the woman who’s been doubting herself for quite some time.

this

Is the one that seems to be having trouble again.

I know that it is better that I live alone and have time to think through all the thoughts we compile as a group. I’ve got my outlet here in that I can write and acknowledge ourselves as being while no one else is watching, though leaving myself open for anyone to watch. Most don’t. No one does.

In this respect it might be like a portrait of someone going crazy in front of themselves. I don’t mean to put people through that. It just seems that our day has been a little unstable today. Too much time alone perhaps. It’s different when there isn’t anyone directly motivating you to be any one way or another. It’s like we’re just happening and whatever goes has got to be ok. For this moment and the next and next. Time guides our thoughts. One bad moment can lead to many more or one good thought could lead to so many other more productive. Today none of the thoughts led to being productive. More reflexive. We are looking at a picture that we’d taken earlier … it’s this one.



shoot … we’re going to get over this aren’t we? Keep watching the clock … living in stolen time … feels like running from the law, being a hardened criminal … partly because we are a mistress, but also because we are taking time from schools to be feeling emotion and all that emotion isn’t necessarily positive. I’d like to think that it is going in some direction. Maybe we should think of that.

Before we were upset with our sweetie now we are obsessing on our self doubts.

Maybe this that part where we don’t stay angry at people on the outside, we take it in on ourselves. We’ve gone through self-doubts to the point that it has gone from anger to depression and now we’re locked into its mystery. There is a beauty about it … Sometimes we catch ourselves in a picture and it seems more timeless … an elusive feeling we’ve carried most our lives becomes apparent to us. We think that in the oval picture (bigger on our second screen) we see two different eyes. It’s almost always like that for us. People never convey the same thing from eye to eye. The left eye is larger and more glossy. The right eye is smaller and almost cross-eyed. That one seems more moody and possibly more hurt. Somewhere lost within its own world, where the other eye … my right seems caught out in a more public place. It’s sort of glassy. And the line meeting the glasses sometimes gets confused as to sitting above or below. It seems difficult to decide if the pupil is staring upward directly at the viewer or if looking leftward, but the left eye supports the upward view. We’re angry at someone else in this picture. It was taken of one of our younger parts who was responding poorly to concepts of doing work or anything else beside maybe napping. Given that perspective it is easier to be more soft-hearted toward her. I think if she knew such things she would transmit the victim look, but maybe more guarded. She’s not going to take wooden nickels, though she might just as well take a quarter if that’s what you were going to offer her. She’s trustful that way. Consistently. She also seems to say, I’m going to give you a hard time. Not really the power to say don’t mess with me, but for sure a cactus with a spine. Thorny-like.

In this respect I don’t know how our friend puts up with us. Not in general, but through all the emotional spaces that must be apparent on our face. I think we display thoughts



Even mine. There’s some determination about it, but it is burdened none the less.

Hmm, maybe we should stop doing this. We took our medicine … it’s 6:40 pm … so maybe just 50 minutes before our friend gets here. I don’t think its necessarily a bad thing to reflect, but I would like to think that we are building ourselves for being in relationship to our lover and part of that is taking ourselves out of such an inwardly driven place so that we can be taking care of him when he comes in. In our most honest appraisal, we care about where he’s been during the time he’s not here. Not necessarily “where” that can be measured, but to a place where his moods and security have placed him emotionally deep within. I want to know that he is good an safe and that nobody’s hurt him. This time he will still probably be picked on … he’s complaining to us about not having any money and his wife has just gotten a new 48” HD tv. I knew about the tv before, but today it hit home . I had thought of it as his, had doubts, but now know for sure it is hers. I don’t think he’s going not to be watching it with her though. We crossed into an area where we were feeling more directly their space as if knowledgeable of their living room or back room without ever having seen it. He’s very faithful in not giving me information that would invade her privacy, but she sometimes shouts out herself. Or, we will wriggle something from him. I don’t know the mechanics of being a mistress to know if this is a common thing to want to know the other woman, and not to know her all at the same time. I don’t remember ever having much anger toward her. Sometimes I guess I can get angry when I think she might be taking advantage of him … usually I know this because he says he’s had a hard week at home, but he doesn’t of course want to talk about it. We don’t talk about what goes on between them. I know a few things about what doesn’t happen, but I don’t hear personal things. I can still remember the time though he drove her vehicle here and I saw the keychain had in big block letters her name. I hadn’t found that from her. Now I have a picture of her I also found not from him, but from her posting it on the web. It was an accident that I found it, but nonetheless its come into our view and we have to deal with it.

It doesn’t usually feel like she is so much a part of our life with the friend.

She’s something that happens to him after he pulls into the drive before he gets back into his car again. He’s a big boy … he’s stuck in the middle of a love triangle perhaps without knowing how to unstuck himself. I don’t know, but wondered today how it is that he holds the relationships … how does he space us differently in his head from her. Do the thoughts often cross. Like knowing we like the same music, or are both like Chinese, or both like to think of love.



Mostly though we share an interest in the same man. I think we do … when I think of Valentine’s Day I think of my mush face. When she thinks of Valentines day … eh not going to go there.



Ahh this is the one who just talked to sweetie pie. We’re going to have a pizza together in about a half an hour. We were still sounding confused with him. Like our good mood is being dashed with our cranky mood. We can’t decide as a group I think to be all the way friendly. And, it’s had a terrible affect on him. He’s acting gun shy … whatever you want dear, I don’t want to make you unhappy. Dang.

Then STOP being so nice! It confuses us. Much easier to not like somebody who is uggy.

We’re pretty hard on the poor guy … we accuse broadly … you are not coming in tired are you? No, not me zzzzzzzz

You, know we don’t want to get the left over version that’s the end result of working too hard throughout the day. Are we getting the leftover???

Lord all mighty Christ. LEAVE THE POOR GUY ALONE!
He was like should we go out, would you like to go out? Noooooo, I just thought I wanted to do something different. We could go out for pizza? No, let’s have pizza at home. You see the closer he gets the more we want to jump his bones. SHHHHHHHHH don’t say that? Why not? It’s true. Because we want him for other reasons too, remember? Grrrrr.

It’s just that its too late to do it all. If we went out he’d be like more tired.

And, since we’ve brow-beated him all day now we have to make him feel better. This is really, really terrible logic. I sure hope no one’s ever going to read this. We can be so confusing. He said I thought you wanted to go out … no that was before.

We’re not planned for it. I think in fact we don’t want to share him with the world. We want him here where we might lean over and nibble on his ear.

We are going to need balancing us out here … it’s getting pretty close.

Be nice, be nice, be nice.

Too much talking on our music … just play the song. Dumb song now … something about hearing the cows. This can’t be on top of anyone’s real chart … must be the Brittish side of the countdown. Nonsense music. Redundant and tired.

Hmpf!

Damn there’s that crabby side again … be nice, be nice, be nice.

Ok, better turn on the love song channel. We can come back to cow songs later. Ok, maybe the heat more than the heart … we’re looking for a place to put our pounding heart and sweaty palms. He’s almost here, he’s almost here.

posted by Ann Marie @ 3/04/2007 07:11:00 AM Comments: 1