Ayn's Multiple World

Ok, so it didn't turn out to be a good day :(

AHA! It’s us and we got a little more time. We called in our medicine about 45 minutes ago and we’re waiting for Dr. Marvin to get in to fill it. Yes it IS a legitimate excuse. Rich had found out that we didn’t get it yet and he wasn’t overly happy about that.

Ok, it was anti-depression medicine and I’m sure that didn’t help the last two days, but I know it wasn’t the entire problem - just maybe some of it. 

Hmm, well, ok that’s enough of that … it is getting fixed as fast as we can afford.

I’m feeling a bit tired right now and I’m not sure why that’s happening. We fixed the second pot of coffee before Rich left so he could take a cup. It won’t all get drank, but hoping that it helps.

As to last night beside the call … We were watching two shows with Rich … one was Ice Age and the other was Shaggy Dog. We didn’t see too much of Shaggy Dog, but we finished the cartoon one. He had been taping both and going back and forth to avoid the commercials.

I got backed up on the cable bill, so that was like needed to do some extra backrubbing to get out of that jam … pshwoo! I’m working myself to the bone over here!

I had noted talking to both Joe and Maury. Joe had said something about the roles that he and Cari had been taking at his place. About then is when we were thinking Rich and us have roles too. We make a lot of mess-ups and then Rich has to be patient. Joe thought he did that role too. *Sigh*

So where are we today? I think after we get to work, we are really going to need concentrating on the work stuff – especially CARF. We’ve got to make some kind of progress that we can see. I think we’ should bring back the case too, but maybe leave at home some of the papers to be typed into the Paper Tiger. We remembered too today to bring the downloaded flash drive with the Spring Fling pictures. We should have done it yesterday, but we got behind. With 47 sheets, I’m not sure if sister is going to hang them all, but there are a lot that could get hung up.

I always like when they get printed out … a few clients who’d found me yesterday asked if they could get copies. I’m not so sure of that, but maybe we can send some of the one’s I print out to them after Sister gets done with them. We’ll see … I did it one year with Halloween pictures, but you can imagine with over 200 shots, it could get time consuming and costly.

I don’t think there’s much more to yesterday or today. I only saw Sr. Theresa for a moment right as she was locking up doors last night right before 4 pm. She wanted to know if I were still there because apparently I’d left on a light on Friday night. *Sigh*

She wasn’t in her office when I came by in the morning and I avoided meeting people all day, because we’d been feeling so terrible. We ended up making a list of things pro and con toward suicide. The list ended up sounding like this.

Pro-suicide:

I could stop thinking
I don’t have money for a lawyer
I’m an idiot
Rich would be better off without me
Maybe it’s a good thing there’s only “one” of me
I’m having trouble caring properly
I wouldn’t get anyone’s anger on me
It hurts to be here
Rich wouldn’t have to worry about me
Life could stop being so hard
I wouldn’t have to be responsible
His family would be able to leave me alone
Someone could publish my book better without me
Rich’s wife would be happy
I wouldn’t have to worry about meeting his kids
It would seem pretty easy to do

Con-suicide

Rich would be lonely
My body would decay and be eaten by bugs
I would miss rich
We could just end up again I the hospital
I’d never see my boys again
I wouldn’t be able to help Rich
Dr. Marvin would be frustrated
None of my friends would be happy
The client’s wouldn’t be happy
I’d be taking the easy way out
Rich’s lawyer wouldn’t have time to figure things out
Rich trusts me
I would for SURE never get my house
Sr. would be pretty furious
Rich would get mad at me
It would hurt
No one could live happily ever after

Rich and I talked about the list and he said that I had very good reasons against suicide and NOTHING worthwhile for it. Dr. Marvin didn’t hear the list, but he thought that it was going down a wrong path. But, it’s where our minds had taken us.

I don’t mean to be taking this so lightly that I don’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Hmm, thinking now how nice it would be to take off the day. There would be no reason to it, because I’m pretty sure it would make Rich growly, but then we’d be able maybe to go back to bed for a while, maybe write and then do some work at home. We could do all that. I know that Rich wouldn’t be happy though. Maybe not sister either.

How’d we get so tired? I think we could blame it on the kitty for putting us in that wavy mood. I think SHE done it!

Hmm, we’ll have to consider this seriously, but we’ll give it a little more time.

I’m not so sure about why we need the extra writing time. I know I love to have it, just haven’t thought out what we could be talking about … you know though that has never stopped us before. We’ll come up with something.

Ok, that was that … I laid down and took a nap that lasted 1 ½ -2 hours. I was woken by a phone call. You can guess who that might have been. *Sigh* I think he is going to call back, but we’re pretty sure we’re not going to work. I don’t have a good reason though. I should go and see if I can pick up the medicine, but that doesn’t feel like my top priority. Sometimes I want to just stay and do me stuff.

But, you know this place … I’ve been here 100’s of times.

The best deal would be to get orientated in business dealings. That would mean that I work on CARF. I think that what I’ll shoot for as a goal is to do a half day work and a half day home. That means that I’ve got 1 ½ hours til noon to write and stuff and then after that we’ll work on CARF. I’d like to see if we COULD do this. You know me well enough that I might lay out a plan that becomes undoable at the time, but it’s the best we are going to do for the time being.

We checked on the tablet and it’s still not shipped. We know the order officially was going to go in for Monday and that it would take a day or two prior to shipping. It’s somewhere else and to be tax free it has to be shipped to them first and then mailed from their location. We’re hoping by the end of the day it ships and then it would be here late Wednesday or early Thursday. It is taking a very long time to get this across … I hope my patience benefits us in some manner.

Rich didn’t want us sitting at home today, but I don’t think we can accommodate that. We need a day to recover and better today than yesterday. Yesterday I couldn’t have said before if we weren’t going to do something negative. But, today just feels really tired. I’m still feeling down and looking for a way that I can help myself and Dr. Marvin had recommended writing as our adult alternative.

It’ll be ok, right?

We’re back, but I’m not sure how long I’ve been gone. It’s now about 11:30 am. We were last trying to get back on line. I’m not sure why we were booted I think we’d been looking at Hollywood pictures … you know of get together, break-up or having children together? I just know that sometimes we do this. We don’t usually know the players, but there’s a feeling of always searching for someone that we might know and connect to.

I don’t know what’s wrong with us and I hate it when I find that we’ve wasted time like this, but I guess to be the most fair we need to let those things happen for whichever parts of us need that kind of time. I’m guessing it’s to help unwind? I don’t know.

Hmm, I think Rich’s wife is online too. I didn’t know she was on our buddy list … my guess is that it happened back when she sent us that email after they first broke up. Yeeks! Let’s steer away from that!

I ate some crackers sometime, but now my tummy feels scratchy. Well not my tummy exactly, but well I don’t know how to explain it, except I’m probably fulled-up.

I’m thinking that I could do with another nap. I wonder if it be ok that we wrote to Dr. Marvin first … that might help.

Ok … now it’s later. It’s about 12:45 pm. I feel quiet, but up. I’m not sure why I woke up … maybe because Chief was giving himself a bath on my chair that I’d been laying on.

Hmm. We thought a fudgsicle would help, but we finished it and now have a note from Dr. Marvin to deal with. We had told him –

Dear Dr. Marvin,

This is me. I'm home today. We had problems going to work or picking up the medicine. We felt very tired and worn out. We took one nap and we think we're going to take another now. Trying to be more positive. Feel down.

Ann

He said back –

Hi Ann,

Its understandable that you would be feeling down given the situation. Most people would be. I am pretty concerned that you have been without your antidepressant for several days now. That is not going to help and could actually make it much worse. Going without it would lead to low energy and poor concentration. If there is a way to get to the pharmacy or to have Rich help you with this, it would be important to pick up. You don’t need the depression recurring to get in your way of all the things you have going for you.

-Dr. M

So now if I don’t go it’s like breaking an almost order, but we still don’t feel like going nowhere or taking care of it. Rich says we get belligerent and that’s sort of what it feels like now … we don’t wanna do it. I don’t care anymore.

Dear Dr. Marvin,

I don't seem to care too much right now. We took our second nap, but don't want to do anything. I feel stubborn and cranky. And, like I don't wanna do anything! You can't make me!

Me

We tried to lie down, but only made it about 10 minutes, because now we’re thinking too much again and we’re CRANKY! He just can’t tell us to do everything and then we just do it … that wouldn’t be fair. He’s always got to be the smart one. Sometimes people get sick and tired of that. HMPF!

I’d rather think of something else. AND NO WE’RE NOT GOING TO CALL RICH!

It’s none of his business and beside he’s going to see his mother today so he can’t help anyway. He’ll just make us feel worser.

Hmm, I don’t know what to do … I don’t like doing the Marinemoms stuff or the Facebook stuff. I don’t think I like doing anything. Well besides I think fudgsicles are a good deal.

I don’t want to do anything that’s responsible. I’m more in the mood to kick a cat … but I don’t like to do that either, cause it’s not fair to the poor kitty. But, it’s sorta like that.

We still took our other medicine, just not the one medicine. Sometimes when I don’t take medicine I think wow. Is this what I’m really like. I feel sometimes like we’re a terrible person, but then we tell that to Rich and Rich says no, you’re a nice person and then sometimes we get back to being a nice person.

I don’t think Rich is going to come home soon, because I think he was leaving early in the afternoon to go out west. That means I got some time to run about being rotten. I just gotta stay away from Dr. Marvin. He’s sneaky and I’m not so sure I like that about him. Well iffn a person was really sneaky that be good cuz sometimes it’s ok to get in a little trouble. Not the kind that would be hard to clean off the floor or anything, but sorta like that.

As far as we think about stuff like suicide … I don’t think that much of it. I’m more the kind that just wants to hide and hang out. I’m a little nervous about getting too far from the computer though cuz I don’t know if Dr. Marvin is going to be mad at me cuz we’re being bad. I don’t like it when people get mad at me.

Maybe we should try to go back to bed some more. I would like to lie on Rich’s bed. Sometimes I miss him, but not when he’s the boss all the time.

Last night he said we could massage his back s we did that for a long time and then we massaged other things and you know how that sorta thing goes. Hehehe. Ok, well THAT brought a smile to my face. But, not many more smiles are hiding in there.

I’m pretty sure. Hmm, I wonder if we could watch that movie that Rich didn’t want to see about the bear. But if we did that we wouldn’t be able to be at the computer. Sure will be nice when we get the new computer then we can lay on the couch at the same time as having the computer AND the TV. Somehow it seems we’ve got to be able to touch the computer iffn we’re going to be ok.

I’d just like to say for the record that WE’RE not scared of Dr. Marvin. I hope he doesn’t think he can call here, cause we didn’t say that he could call. I don’t think he will, but then if he did he might say we’re in trouble. But, we’re doing just fine. I’m just a little crabby now. I’m just going to see if that movie might be on … and maybe we’ll have a little bit MORE fudgisicle … since we are at home today with nothing too much to do, hmm?

posted by Ann Marie @ 3/25/2009 05:00:00 AM Comments: 0