Ayn's Multiple World

Sunday was pretty good just missing my luvey

Good morning ... this is me. I'm up too early this morning so I'm not sure how long I'll last. It's 3 am now and I've been up for a half an hour. The kitties decided they'd have an early breakfast ... Usually I go back to bed after they wake me up - WITHOUT feeding them, but I seemed to have mercy on them this morning. I think too ... we have a lot on our mind - perhaps not specific, but waring non-the-less.

Now we've got CNN back on. I want to be hearing and learning about the world at the same time I recognize that I lose some of my free will in listening to others instead of thinking fresh thoughts on my own. I think this is a trend in my thinking that I'm worrying I am not thinking with any great depth. Yesterday - one of the best parts of the day, though there were many was that I picked up a book and read for about an hour and a half.

I found one of my books on self-regulation ... it became of value to me again. I'm really happy about that. I read a stray chapter and it made me think harder than I've experienced in a while. Part of the advances that I made yesterday was in thinking that if I'm still wanting to go to school to study this issue there is time to be reading of the issue so that I learn it intimately in process of the other.

I think part of the problem is that I'm not retaining as much as I would like to. I would like as a goal to get to the part that every paragraph is being a significant thought, rather than the process of figuring out things as I read being the more important. But, I'm realizing that it is going to be a process and you don't start from 0 to 60 without practice and preparation. So, I feel that what I'm reading now will have to be read more than once. Even saying this is part of the process of what I am reading. There are processes of picking up knowledge, but it is the process that is counting most significantly right now - so in affect we will learn to study and improve our thoughts through conscientious processes of metacognition.

One of the first steps that we'll need to take on is learning the vocabulary of thoughts on the subject. There are also certain ways that words are put together in structure that is more difficult than in casual conversation. I am getting some of this scaffolding from the things that we're watching ... Like right now I'm listening to William Bennett's show Beyond the politics. He is better than many of the CNN anchors in that there is not AS much yelling going back and forth and the conversations are more intellectual, so you can focus on speaker after speaker in putting words and thoughts together that are more complex than not. I believe that his guests are more scholarly than the normal pundits that are being shown on CNN shows. Often I find with CNN they have people pro one set of ideas or another whether it be republicans or democrats or independents. I think in general the more open a person is to many thoughts the better a conversation that can be had.

I think what I find most often is that I can understand what is being said - but much of it is because I'm paying attention to the topics and the manner of thoughts being presented. Like now when I hear the term 700 billion dollars - I have a sense of comprehension as to the significance of 700 billion dollars especially in relation to its uses to human kind. There has been a tenacity of thinking that has occured over weeks and weeks of public discussion and the struggle to put new thoughts and concepts together. I think that that people build toward one reality and then it has to be tested for validity out amongst the many.

It seems to be a great process of weeding out the differences between Obama's representation of thoughts compared to McCains representation of thoughts. Not all thoughts are as valued as others, or at least some thoughts are felt and disdained as lesser than others. For example, CNN will go only so long without bringing race to the board. A late discussion of this is shown by union people going door to door in blue class communities where up to 25% of the public lists the color of Obamas skin as a reason they couldn't bring theirselves to voting for him. This is a disgusting representation of thought that has to be acknowledged, but is disappointing non-the-less. It tells us how backwards and seemingly outdated some of these people's thought are. But, I believe that is the miracle of Obama in that he is getting people to go out in the community who thinking seems to be more advanced to be having discussions with people one at a time to evaluate their thinking processes.

This is something also that was discussed at least "sort of like" in the book chapter that I was reading yesterday night. Basically they were setting up an experiment where learners particularly learners that needed assistance were given very specific means of assistance in not new thoughts, but new means of thinking through their obstacles of thought by studying thoughts that they had to name, and then through tools would advance skills in putting these thoughts in progress of themselves. The background was that the students were completing assignments. This is similar to my lessons with Rosey in advanced algebra. First he had to cover the problem of me giving up on myself and then he would ask me to perform an operation of math and he would let me know at which points my logic needed correction. Not that I was wrong although I was, but more that the thinking needed development in one manner or another.

The end point was that I could eventually process the problems and gain correct responses, but more than that was that I was a thinker who could handle thoughts that were more complex. This sense of confidence has gone much farther than the abiltity to do mathamatical equations. In all actuality those skills have been lost to time, although I have always known that if I needed to go back and duplicate those processes - I would be able to do so. Maybe the latest proof of this was about 10 years ago when with assistance I was led to being able to understand statistics. I know that if I were going back to school this course of knowing and understanding statistics would be put on me relatively soon.

In this manner Vince has stated for us over and over again until he thought he was beating me in the head with it was that I simply had to be going forward in practicing out my skillbuilding rather than in contemplative thought of wanting to do it. I think he became frustrated with the number of obstacles that I put in front of myself. Of course, I would like to think that these weren't something I created as much as were normal in my development. But, that point is hard in coming. Because in utilizing his thought processes, I would continue to be working through those obstacles and pausing to give them room to grow. I would be like a lumberjack cutting through a deep forest of trees. I don't think he necessarily argued over the thickness of the forest as much as if I didn't pick up the saw, I would never gain ground. I think to he added a simplicity of thought in that he saw the points from A to B more direct. In this mean of speaking he seemed to understand there was a path through the forest that subtracting our neroses and pschosis would prove to be less strenuous. For example - If we had to write a 500 word paper ... then it was a waste of effort to creating a 2500 word document. It was like saying clear the trees, but do not pause to clear the brush and plough the ground.

I faced anxiety that was made worse by my pronunciation of it.

I'd like to think it was as easy as this and hear in my background, "Don't think" just DO. Unfortunately, I am at this seemingly everlasting point in feeling as if I have to go through everything ... which might be a diseased part of me in paying too much respect to our lesser obsessions. Perhaps the feelings become more important than the thought. I wanted the good feelings of being articulate in our thoughts, but that was a struggle that would not too long last in our propelling self through the woods because of the creation of frustration due to the difficulty of my choices. In addition there was our multiplicty and the complications that made. It's like now there are 20 parts all holding different size and temperaments of saws. Perhaps like a rusty razer which couldn't be counted on for giving an even shave, yet going back to cover the face meant irritating it to no end.

Ok, let's back out of here for the moment ... the intensity is too much for me. I find ourselves distracting ourselves with TV and eating and drinking. Until that next pot of coffee is made there are not enough rewards as necessary to get us wanting to further charges made. Perhaps because of dissonance we have needs to go foward, but struggle through the point of not being able to clear the obstacles. I should right now go back and summarize, capture and conquer those thoughts, but each time proves as difficult as the last. I feel very angry in that with every movement to stop and figure out I hear that call of ... your wasting time. I see the situation like with the drill sargeant pushing his recruits under the marsh and bobwire. Go ... go ... go ... I get angry at finding myself in that situation and even at this I know our newly found anger is just another resistance.

Rather, I suppose our obsession is in fighting the same points over and over again. I know until I clear this I will remain in the same place. It's like the familiar ground of needing to do each year after year the same Qnotes, annuals and CARF. It feels ... shoot now I'm going into negative complaining that won't do any good either.

Maybe another tact. Yesterday we listened to Brian Tracy again. We spent 2 1/2 hours at the gym. The time seemed to pass slowly in that we found one more thing and one more thing to be accomplishing before we give up the ship. When we first walked in, we automatically walk up to a treadmill. We usually take the one of those right in front of the second set of three TVs. I think there are 4 sets altogether. We stand on both sides while we set our iPod to station and sound level. Then we set the speed of the tread before we stand back in the middle and begin to walk. I think we were hearing about 70% of the words we were listening to. This improved over time, but then slowed down again toward the last 5-6 minutes as we edged ourselves further into our resistences. In total we reached 38.5 minutes. Perhaps we could have gone further, but we were already 3.5 minutes past our last effort. The think we were trying to hit was the mark of 1.5 miles. I don't know why this goal became so important, but as soon as we marked it ... nothing else seemed satisfying. I'm thinking the next time in we will shoot for the goal of a full 40 minutes. It doesn't seem to be which goal we hit, just that we need to hit a goal. On those days when this is harder ... our goal becomes to at least match the attempt before it.

I also saw this upstairs when I was counting sets of repetitions. If I could at least match the number ahead of it, I was feeling as if our effort was better utilized. I'm not sure exactly how the gym thing works in our mind, though I see not only myself, but other gym people in similar circumstances. Either you are working directly at your next goal or you are waiting out the time in between goals. I've found while upstairs the best deal is to be marking down our progress with the iPod. More of this later though, I'm ahead of myself.

I wanted to mention first that after nearly 40 minutes on the treadmill, we then go to the bike. I take care there to roll up our sleeves literally, wipe ourselves down carefully with the hand towel, because by now we're red in the face and steamed up - in a good manner such as a well-cooked shrimp. I've taken care to adjust the bike in place and in settings such as fat-burning, age, minutes, level, etc. and I've had a nice cool drink of water.

Oh man ... we were out of it ... I think we fell asleep. Maybe for the last 3 hours ... It's about 7:15 am now. Shoot feels like someone drugged me. We were packing again and I couldn't move. I had to get dressed and dress my small cousin, but I couldn't barely drag my arms and legs. Maybe this had something to do with having the News on and not using my CPap machine, or maybe it was something different, but nontheless we were really out of it. Hmm, remember something about kissing people good bye. I wonder where we were going and why we were there. There must be some general analysis on why people dream of things like travel. I think at one point we were packing down our room. Maybe something like when we left from our home to school. Everything was packed toward the center of the room so that we would be ready when things got torn down and into pieces and boxes. Not really thinking clearly here - still woozy from dreaming and nightmaring. Maybe another sip of coffee? Seems we made that earlier, but never got around to drinking it.

Rich didn't call last night as well as I know it. Our phone was dead again this morning. Maybe baby wrote or called and I don't need it. Better check my email.

Hmm, got side-tracked here for a while. It's now 8:30 am. This is the problem of having CNN on in the background. I found myself following along with things and then I went to check out a web site that didn't turn out to be much, but then in the process the system got me to download Windows Internet Explorer 8. Eh ... it's a process.

I haven't the faintest where we are at from the previous. I might try to read up, but then I also might just figure out where we are at right now without clues. Ok, you ... where are you at?

Not sure. Well ok, that's honest. Let's get some place ok? Why don't we check through our regular subjects see where all that is.

First is mushy bear ... I think we last left off in not knowing if he called ... maybe I can check the phone now. I'm pretty sure it's charged up. Hold on.

Nope, nothing there. Ok, have to figure he's at his daughter's house and is not able to get away to make a phone call. Also he didn't get to send me an email. I think that's ok, because I know he still loves me. Just he is prety busy with doing as much as he can with his daughter, Aunt and Uncle. I hope he's having a really good time and comes home and wants to make whoopee. Man where are you girl? Get a grip on it!

Ok, shhh ... besides that? I heard that they are going to have some pretty rough weather today ... I think we noted that yesterday due to the hurricane. I hope he won't have trouble getting home Tuesday morning. I think he gets in around 11:30 am. He's supposed to call me when he lands so I can pick him up after he gets here, no matter when that is. It seemed pretty easy before to drop him off, but we need to be paying attention to where we're going by following a lot of signs.

Hmm, kitties seem to appreciate having the door open today ... one's on the floor and the other on the top of the couch. They seem to be following birds come close to the rail. I think they are having a good morning. It looks beautiful out there. Hate to imagine fluffy face getting hit with rain. Ok, we could save safely the message we're still madly in love. I think we're doing ok on the scale of being overly lonely. It really helped that we have a 3 1/2 day weekend. Today's big plans are to write and then go to the gym for a swim. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. The pool was really open yesterday and there were just a few people in it. I hope it stays the same today.

I guess we should check out our schedule and to-do list this morning ... If it's 8:30 am now ... where are we going? Hmm?

Ok, 9:30 am now … not sure what was going on … I do know that we updated to the newer IE browser and that seemed to take some time to regulate. There’s a little panic about losing the day. We’re at mid-morning and haven’t gotten very far. I think the last we remember was that we were checking out our thoughts on Rich. Not sure what was written, but I do want to say that I do ok without him and in some ways I do better because I’m setting my own agendas. Hmm, that might have been one of the things we just did. We set our calendar for the day and to-do list. Nothing to get in our way. I do miss the time I get with Rich to ogle and pet him. I know sound like a new owner of a golden retriever. *Sigh* Just he’s my best friend and I love the time I get with him.

Hmm, I just got my updated coffee and noted that Rich’s bedroom could take some picking up. I wonder if I could wash the clothes. I found 8 quarters to get the job done. But, then that takes enthusiasm points from swimming. Maybe we could put that on hold and perhaps do it after we go out. That way I will save my energy and hopefully still be able to go up and down the stairs with clothes with what’s left. That’s one of the problems in doing the chore. It means 3 trips up those stairs with the last one holding clothes and then there’s the standing while folding. I’d like to think we’re more able. But, then we too are afraid that if we somehow manage it, then Rich is going to expect us to be doing the job more often, especially when he’s gone, which seems to be fairly frequent at this point. I think when he comes home he’s going to be going to his mother’s generally on Wednesday evenings, but he might not be staying after. He did say that his mother seems to be doing better with his attention so he might be calling her every day. That’s probably a good idea. Mother’s need to feel wanted, or at minimum accepted.

I didn’t call my mother or sister yesterday. Seems like we were in our space one way or another and didn’t want to break that up with calls. I wish we were better at getting over this problem. But, we’re trying to make the best of our time and sometimes we are feeling pretty selfish. Sometimes calling people is a negative, because you gotta take on negatives of whatever they want to complain about. Not everyone complains, I know … it’s just that people in my family seem to have medical problems that I don’t want to be dealing with. Also when we are talking to my sister we feel bad if she’s got financial problems but again its like going to work and hearing other people complain. It’s a lot on our system, because we’re trying to be more pro-active.

I don’t want to think of any of that now. Let’s just say that it’s hard to think of family. Not that they are doing things wrong … just I’m having problems with it. Maybe again today … we just gotta play each day one at a time. It would be easier if Rich were here, because we could talk it over if something went wrong.

Let’s go on … anything else about baby-face? Ahh how I love touching his face and feeling his strong chin or rubbing the top of his head turning circles with my hands. *Sigh* ok, girls this is not going to get you far. Better move on.

Ok, anything on the boys. I think we might have mentioned already how fantastic it was seeing all of them. We were smile to smile almost the entire time. I felt though that Alex was a little self-conscious of me … we found him several times looking up at us and then looking down as if I caused him pain. I’m not sure what’s happening there. I’m afraid that I seemed to be picking on him … though just a few sentences were said, like I asked, “Are you sure you can eat all that?” And, then he looked down as if embarrassed. I really didn’t mean to put him on the spot. It’s just that I tend to watch behaviors. He had about 8 small burrito type things on his plate. He’d been already teased because his food came so much later than the rest of ours. We were at flat-top so people make their own dinner. Joe was already getting his seconds before Alex got his firsts. Most everyone was done eating by the time Alex got his.

I think part of the problem is that there was some uncomfortably in that he got married 2 weeks ago. Rightfully speaking, I should have given him a wedding gift, but I really, really haven’t had the extra money. We have to pay our rent first. But, on the same hand … I wasn’t invited to the wedding. It’s true I most likely wouldn’t have come, but I would have felt more welcome. Maybe their guest list had to be kept short. I’m really sure that with the stronger relationship my ex was invited, but I have strong enough relationship that if he invited a couple hundred people I’d be included. Maybe it was because he has so many friends that people like me weren’t to be included on the list. It’s a fact I’ve never met Sarah his new wife. With as many times as I’ve seen Alex – almost every time me and the boys get together, she is never with them. I was a little surprised too in that Bob and his girlfriend were there. If I was an add-on to the guys party then I should be just appreciative that I was included. But, if it were indeed focused as my party – then I have mixed feelings on inviting the boys step-brother and his girl. I’ve heard a lot of negative things with the girl and I understand that it might have been complicated to not include him – so I can appreciate they trusted me with the situation. It’s just a strange mix.

I do have to applaud Bob that when it came to splitting up the bill, I was in charge and he contributed in a good way. I paid the first $150 of a $200 bill. He handed me $40 and I gave him back $20. I thought it more important that the other boys contributed something if only a $5 or $10. I thought that showed courtesy from Bob. I wouldn’t ask him to pay more than the others, but I appreciate he gave it thought. He’s really a good kid and someone that the boys like. And, I think too that it seems to count in my mind that he is also a Marine. I think that Thom feels a good connection here so it then becomes an honor to include Bob.

I don’t think I will be able to see Thom before he goes back. I hope that he gives me a call though to say goodbye. I hope that he got enough time to be with his new bride, although even in thinking of it … it seems like it would be impossibility. Joe and Maury seemed to be doing as well as the others. The conversation was light and fun and they played on each other so someone or another was always adding to the good time. There wasn’t much serious said though I got to talk especially with Thom and Alexis before the others got there. It was a little more serious, but just because we were talking about his experience. I guess that he has an instructor that he doesn’t really care for. She seems to have taken an opinion that Thom doesn’t need to call Alexis every day. Thom’s point is that if he studies with most his time and gets 100% on all his tests, then it shouldn’t be a problem. I guess the lady distinguished that the Marine with his wife living near the base had more communication rights than him. Of course, I agreed with Thom. Especially because they are separate they should be talking over the phone to keep up. I know I’d like to do the same with Rich if given a choice. I know that on most days there is at least 1 or 2 times during the day we’ll check in with each other. Usually not for long conversations but enough to know how the other is doing. It’s actually pretty humane.

I think he’s getting a new instructor in a week or two. Thom says the work is difficult, but that he had a base for some of the instructions on putting new computer systems together. I didn’t ask any particular questions, because I didn’t want him to get into complications in saying too much. I don’t think Thom would do this, but there is no good reason to even go there. I know he’s glad to be in school. He was saying something about not worrying if others were progressing in front of him with ranking, but I think mostly it’s because some of the guys were in school so getting PFC at the beginning rather than the end of bootcamp. I guessed right in that it only put them 3 months ahead of Thom, but he seemed not comfortable with that. I think that is part of being in the service that there’s always someone you may or may not respect ahead of you. I’m really glad that he’s takin his grades so seriously.

I guess there is another part of him not really getting along with the instructor and its made worse, because many of his friends agree with him, but they aren’t challenging the instructor with it like Thom. Basically, Thom has taken the point of view that there are some Marines that are lesser than others. I don’t remember the name, but in our day and age they might have been considered slouches. The sergeant’s point of view is that of the Marines – that they are all brothers in arm and you have to respect them for being a fellow Marine. I feel empathy for each. I know that Thom has to be ready to fight for the very least of his fellow Marines, and I reminded him that he respected some of his peers more after he got to know them. But, I also remember that he had about 3-4 friends who he came to like better because they were of more similar intelligence. I think that’s part of Thom’s problem.

Basically, some people are down right ignorant. Maybe they have more intelligence, but they use it badly to squander time, energy, resources or relationships. Thom is having a difficulty giving respect to people who act out less honorably then the one’s who put it all out honestly. I have the same insecure feelings of superiority I’m afraid … so I can really see his point of view. But, I know also by now that you’ve got to go all out for all the group, not just the ones you like and match you in thinking. I’ve found it often at St. Rose that there is no-one to match my thoughts with the exception of Sister and Rich … and then too even they are more close-minded in taking different routes than are most favorable to me. I’m not saying that I’m more intelligent, but I seem more flexible in my thoughts. Of course, that sometimes puts me on a limb, because in my idealism I sometimes lose practicality. They all know that about me. I’m more a dreamer.

Thom is more grounded than me. He’s a really useful human being. He still has to know that although he can have particular friends – the unit has to come together and that means through communication and respect even though people talk and act differently than yourself. I could have predicted he was going to have this problem. It’s going to take him time to work through it.

As to the rest of the dinner, I was happy Lauren and us met up after dinner to give appropriate hugs. She was on the far end of the table so there was very little communication during dinner. I didn’t think also she looked particularly happy. Maybe some of that though was tiredness in watching the two girls during dinner. I think that it helped that Maury was between the two girls and Alex contributed to making Isa’s experience happier. Maury looked tired and caught up in his processes. I do know that yesterday the boys were planning to get together to play some racquetball. And, I knew also they’d be getting together to go to their father’s party for Thom. Must be great … hehehe everytime the kid comes home he’s treated out and to parties. It’s a good thing for him to know that he is well loved and respected.

Joe worked on his chains during dinner with a needlenose plier in each hand. It reminded me of that other time he went out with my mother and family and he kept busy throughout. He did seem to be paying close attention to the conversation and he seemed to add to it fairly frequent. I knew he was having a very good time. I also watched Alexis … she seemed to be following along and adding things to the conversations as well. I was really happy that she sat across from me. I enjoyed our special little communications. I was not sure of this other part that Thom was playing in this regard.

Apparently, there was some get together going on sponsored by Lauren. She had invited some of the others, but she had not included Alexis. Thom was real keen in picking this up. And, then he pushed on that it was because of his wife being Asian. In some respects he was teasin and maybe in others not. The sister-in-law had slighted Alexis, but probably from new thought patterns that she wasn’t with Thom, so she wouldn’t be interested. Thom’s basic point was that she was now family and should be considered at all times, especially because he wasn’t home to watch out for her. I thought it was a good point. I wasn’t as sure what he meant by promoting so much that she was Asian. I think he’s still learning to deal with this. He’s so proud of her and in love that it’s charming to be with them. I also heard the pride through his conversations between Alex and him in that they’ve both just really been married. They were taking a few competitive notes … you know … well my bride does this or my bride does that.

I’m really glad they are all going through this experience together. I would like to do more for Alexis, but then I feel some guilt in that Lauren isn’t included. I don’t know how much either wants to be involved with me, but I’ve gotten good vibes from Alexis. She seems eager to talk when she gets time. I know that a lot of her time is now going into work and I respect that … just would like to be more help to her and share camaraderie with her. She’s Thom’s bride she’s made the top of the food chain. I would give more to Lauren. Just feel she doesn’t really respect me because of the multiplicity. Maybe in some way we could start over, but I’m not much a social person I’m afraid. If I were a real mother-in-law, maybe we could get together to go shopping or something. I don’t think any of us really have the money to do that. I don’t know what other reason we could use to get together.

Top of my mind would be to get together to make Thom support packages. But, I think that wouldn’t be Lauren’s cup of tea. I will have to think more about this. My mind is drifting though more toward volunteerism in concern of the Marines. Just there’s only so much time. I think maybe if I could just find needs of Alexis that I could match. Maybe she could stand to have family connections too. The situation is like with Alexis … I’ve never really came up with a specific wedding gift. I guess in my thoughts that I’m supporting their marriage by catching them up with a bill or two and in paying the phone bill. It’s got to be enough, right? I know the one that Alexis really wants to talk to is Thom. And, I don’t want to get in a relationship where we’re comparing notes or looking to picking up information … I really don’t want to get in their way.

I’m left in a position that I would do anything possible to support either daughter-in-law. Just wish I were a stronger person and knew how to better make these connections.

But, I figure that about now, I should be moving along.

Ahh we’re trying something new. We brought our computer outside … I’m trying first to do it without plugging it in, but now because the lights not real bright I am wondering if the cord wouldn’t stretch. It’s really nice out here … and I would like to stay. It get’s me away from the TV too so I’m sure Rich would think that to be a good thing. Pswhoo. Had to move the table a little bit, but we made it stretch. The light is now really good. We got a fresh cup of coffee too. I’m not sure if I should be out here wearing my shorter teddy bear pajamas, but I think that’s ok too. They cover a lot more than if I were in something see-through or my swimming suit. Pretty much we figure we’re blending in with the colors of the red brick. This is sweet. I wish I would have thought of it sooner.

It’s about 10:40 am now. We’ve been kind of eating something in between being up and atom this morning. So we’re not going to hold a strict lunch schedule, but we do have general plans to go to the gym at 12:30 pm. I figure most people go on the even up-top number so that they are more dwindled down at that time. I’ve had my swimming suit in the car this whole time we haven’t been able to go. Each time I see it it’s like oh man … are we missing out. I forget some of what it’s like to move in the water just remember it was nice.

Ok, we’ve pretty much talked out the Rich and boys threads. I guess we could talk about work, but we’re not ready for that yet, except in a secondary manner. We’ve been listening to Brian Tracey again … and although I really need to sit down and listen to him with some means of taking notes, he does put ideas in our mind as to progressing our situation. He’s very much a person who believes that to get anywhere you have to make a plan. He says that you need to learn to do something better than what you can do at this time. If you knew more at this time, there would be no reason for you not to have more. He makes other useful suggestions like if you want to be a millionaire that you start at being a hundred or thousander. That makes sense too. A lot of things he said makes sense.

I think in general he would be a proponent of taking charge of your life. I feel that when I’m doing what I propose that I do like in being at the gym or writing when I want to write. His book is really on how to be successful with goals. He works the ins and outs of goal-making … that is what got me back to thinking of self-regulation. One of the things he says in being successful is to offer something to others that could help them out. It makes me think if I could understand self-regulation and act it out – I could help others in doing the same thing. I think self-regulation has become a standard psychological concept, but it’s not something that everyone thinks about.

When I look at my particular situation I think it has something to do with the earlier things I talked about concerning Vince. Just that it’s more a process to do what he can do than not with me and with a lot of people. I was really trying to think it through. I asked myself who would my audience be? Who if I could regulate myself would I teach to do the same? There are a couple of immediate thoughts there. Because I’m in the field of developmental disabilities the first thought is to sell it to that audience. I’m not saying that it wouldn’t happen; there is not anything at this time to say that audience would be able to appreciate it more or less. Especially, because in their life … so many times others in their immediate families have more control of their choices or their goals might be unrealistic. If you have mental retardation you shouldn’t set as a goal to drive a car. If you are unable to read signs and the rules because of a physical mental block, then it would seem wiser to pick a path that is more reasonable to your situation. I think that was part of Tracey’s thoughts is that sometimes people come to him with really untenable dreams and aspirations. I think this then would lead you to thinking let’s break it down. Tracey has ways of making lists to think through problem solving as to the development of goals. I’m not ready without notes to go into that, but I do know that having some frame of real reference is critical in being able to attain dreams.

Another obvious audience would be that of other multiples. I feel more in support of others that were like me, but I don’t have any basis in where they all are at or if they would deserve more attention than any other – for example people who exercise or have gastric bypass. It would seem as if a more likely audience would be people in general then and maybe special subset programs for this other.

Wow! Do you know I even get the Internet out here? That’s really exciting. I enjoy this wireless connection a lot.

Ugh. It’s now 11:45 am. Almost time to get going. I went and checked out some blogs by multiples. We’re all the same … we want to write our life stories to help others out – either the people with multiplicity or others who want to understand us. It’s my firm belief that most people don’t want to understand, not because they are unsympathetic, but more toward … It’s a lot of bother. I am back on track with thinking that I shouldn’t write specifically toward multiples because they are on their own tracks – but, that as a writer I can also be a multiple. I think there are a lot of multiples that are writers. There is nothing new there. But there are probably not a lot of multiples that study self-regulation. AHA! Got something there.

After this last bout with Self-reg I think the most important part is to understand it using real words … I’d like to understand it inside and out. If I ever were to go back to school and I’m saying it’s a possibility I would have to understand it first enough to get me through the chore of educating myself. Then maybe later to be helpful to others. I think that my medium is going to need being to others who use the Internet. I would have to have a web presence where I could be thinking more scholastically than our normal blog. I’m not sure if the new form would be that of a blog or of a web page or of something else. For now though I shouldn’t probably get obsessed with looking for too much of that. It’s more important to figure out what my fascination is with self-reg. Maybe there is something deep inside me that wants to believe that I can be in control of my own destiny.

Somewhere I think I missed out on this at about the age of 2 or prior, but certainly this age when I should have been more in control of my direct person. Not that I behaved in the performances for others, but that having my own thoughts could be more specific. If truth holds out and we were even then a multiple … it’s hard to know what I did or did not think. I don’t really want to get into all the developmental stages now though. It’s better to hold onto the present and think through some of our goals.

posted by Ann Marie @ 10/13/2008 05:42:00 AM Comments: 1