Ayn's Multiple World

Sunday Morning - Minnesota? Chicago? What's the matter baby?

Good morning. This is me again. I think we’ll write some this morning, but it’s already 6:30 am and we’ve been up since 5:30 am. We’ve mostly been taking care of some morning stuff. This morning we also read over yesterday’s entry. We don’t usually read over our stuff, but sometimes we do and that’s nice. I can’t believe so many of our thoughts are actually down. I was thinking this morning that we probably do repeat ourselves quite a bit and just now we’re remembering thinking about that once while we were married … that stories repeated as you met different people. Or, when you listened to your parents meet others. It’s like oh no … here it comes again … let’s get out of here. I apologize if I’m doing that, but realistically, if I’m saying the story or thought again there is something about it that is important to me in my thought processes. I’m saddened I can’t track them all, but I can appreciate that they are there waiting to be discovered fruitfully.

That said, we’ll go on.

Pswhoo. A little heavy first thing.

We listened to Doc Serverinson again this morning and now have just turned it over to Nat King Cole’s Christmas Song Album. Last night with Sweetie we listened to Doc’s and Bing Crosby’s. That was the biggest and nicest surprise. Because of that Ice storm we’d worried about in the morning, Sweeties game was canceled which meant WE got him all night long. It was so very, very nice. The kind that brings tears.

Wait let me jump the gun a second. Nat’s singing ‘O Tannenbaum” Here is a preliminary picture of the top of our tree and the lights outside … hehehe oh yah, the kitty up front is Chief. That picture was earlier this morning It’s lighter already now.



WooHOO in a little bit you’ll see the new trip. Hold on … let me go back though. Like we were saying, we got Rich all morning



Well, ok ok … there’s this one more picture … This is the first Real picture of the angel – you can see her in the top right corner. There is a little light behind her chest and wings which are turned the direction we can’t see them. She is catching a street light, but I’d like to think she’s being carried by stars of glory. Her name is “Hark, the Herald’s Angel!” She’s a beauty … Maybe I can get a closeup of her later AND a better picture of the new tree.

For the record that picture was taken about 6:40 am and the other about 5:30 am.

Wow It’s about 6:50 am now and look already how much its changing. Sweetie would have missed it all!





Ok, maybe just this one last picture. I’d rolled out of the way to give you a better picture of both the lighted and unlighted tree the lighted one is artificial and is larger and has larger red bulbs, and the smaller tree is the real one and it has smaller gold bulbs. The problem with this last picture that might not be readily apparent is that half the lit tree is covered by Missy mouse … you can see her eyes to the lower right of the tree. She is staring directly at you. HMFP!

Everyone wants in on the picture! The last picture is at 7 am and we turned the angel more, but her wings are see-through mostly, and we put a nice Christmas blanket/wall covering on the backside of the white stool. We even remembered to cover the silly files in the cabinet. There’s nothing pretty there I guess, but the wood roll-top shop gives the plant corner more earthy-ness.

Oh how simple it is to pleasure us. Hehehe ok, and to unpleasure us too … we’re fickle like that. But, mostly I think we go for pleasure.

We just got done spending some time with sweetbunny. He was about finished dressing when we found him and he was able to give us about 15 minutes so we sat in the kitchen over coffee. It was just light chatter about things that were going on. He says that if he’s not too tired when he gets home he will vacuum the living room and bedrooms … that wasn’t too much. I would like to think I could do it, but I think it would take a lot of doing … I might instead want to think first maybe of doing some kind of dusting – mostly of the bookshelves. They tend to gather it … if Rich is going to vacuum better to get it done first. Maybe clean up the shelves a little too? That be a worthy task.

It’s about 8:15 am now … maybe after awhile. We need to get back into the quiet restful part of the morning. We mentioned the part where Rich left, right? We messed with the Christmas albums and found ourselves at the John Denver Christmas in Concert. There is 24 songs from playing in Washington DC that was put on an album in January of 2001. We found that just by listing either Christmas or holiday the searcher thing max’ out on 100 albums … WOW! I think after the JD album is over … I’m going to try going with the playlists … I never even tried that. The first list of 100 I come up with is EJS #87 and he calls his list Christmas 295 songs Various Artists – or Christmas magic. It’s rated excellent and highlights trans-siberian orchestra, Mannheim streamroller, various artists, and John Denver … Can’t go wrong there!

Sigh … I got about half way done with JD’s songs, but then I saw how many of the songs were in the playlist, so we turned it over so I could not have to concentrate so hard. The writing and the music has to be a blend. We’re keeping up the list for now so we can turn over and identify the sounds we really like, then we can always go back to those groups or albums again. Never a better Christmas season as to being attuned to music. Least that we can remember though its probably been getting better over the years. We made some more coffee too and put on our fluffy slippers. The next step might be to reach for the blanket.

My fingers feel a little stiff … that might mean doing something without fingers for awhile? No, I say we punch it through. I won’t be putting our fingers in a non-action mode, do you hear me??? We’ll go down screaming before we don’t use the fingers

Oh man o man … George Winston’s JOY is coming up in just a few songs. WOO HOO.

Umm, writing? Oh dear … we’re off on another deep end here, aren’t we? The Snoopy song for Linus and Lucy is on. Hard to concentrating with those Keys just bouncing along. Schroeder does that you know? Well actually I find now its Vince Guaraldi - probably turned quite a few young people to jazz of some sort. This is some good stuff. Hmm, he says this playlist is like 16h 40 m 45s … that would mean … Hmm.

We’re good to go from now until about 1 am this morning! That’s very cool! I like that all day music no commercials and never having to turn the button. I guess we need to sit back and relax more through it. Maybe I better turn off the list.

Ahh, this is where we get the blanket and the cat and all. Shoot … I forgot about the football game … Rich will be back about 2-3 pm and he’s going to want to see the game. What time? Good … good 3:15 pm. So, we like got some time … 9:15 am now – wow he’s going to be gone 6 more hours?? Ok, shhh, we’ve lots to be thinking of yet, right? 

Joy is on, but we had to turn it down a little because we didn’t want to disturb Chief so much. Hmm, how did he get back? I know he was here, because we saw him in the picture this morning … AHA! Proof! See, we just don’t make up these things!

He’s making it a little awkward to type and sit, but he won’t stay real long, right?

WOOHOOO … just got sent another really great picture … Just a beauty … We’ll get back to that later though.

Hehehe song is I wanna hippotomus for Christmas. Can’t go wrong there!

*sigh* we’re not settling into much here are we?



Here is our ongoing Christmas tree pictures … the lit tree seems to have finally gotten a full picture closeup … but, the top of our real tree and angel have faded into the sunlight along with the balcony furniture. You can see on the lower south part of the picture … just a slim bit of Chief’s back. He’s sleepin now so I didn’t want to rouse him for a mug shot, but he’s there. Can you see the mellowness on our face? It’s a face that says … eh, we’re not going anywhere soon, unless its to get more coffee. Ok, let’s not have any more of that housekeeping task stuff. This is Sunday morning and the world is at peace – at least the part we’re seeing. Ok, we’ll look for a second, but that’s it! HMPF!

Ok, nothing worth going in there … we paused to listen to Kenny G’s Auld Lang Syne from his Faith: Holiday Album … it’s his sax playing in the background as they do news clips of important things in the life of America. It was pretty cool. I will probably play it for Sweetie pie sometime later today. I Think he’ll like it – most likely he’s heard it before.

Ok … lots of pictures and we’re only up to page 5 … something is really frazzle-
rocked here. We’re thinking maybe after lunch we should try the room … should be quiet … who’s really around on a Sunday afternoon. I mean like aren’t people watching the game and taking naps? I had thought 2 before, but now we’re thinking about noon so we get in some time before Sweetie comes home. It’s now 10 am … so we’ll have to think … 2 hours to think … about what?

What’s on the back burner that needs some lookin at? Let’s start a Dr. Marvin type sweep. Ok, as to Rich … He’s so fine … I think we’ve gotten in on the Rich stuff, but anything summary like? I do want to say one little thing … I have noticed me turning a little Minnesotan on him. We still don’t have the friends and family stopping in on us for coffee, but we do have that thing going on where chores, errands, coffee, etc. is all happening and between every spare moment that isn’t being put out elsewhere – then we’re getting little moments to chat … Or, at least moments to drift my fingers past or over his body – better if I get his nipples, or neck, or hair, or b … oh damn .. it’s all good!

The Minnesota part of it … well, I don’t really know the actual difference it’s just that my Minnesota version I know pretty much comes from my father compared to my inlaws or marriage. The Minnesota version is much more friendly … People come over and go out for brunch after church and such, or get together to work on a project together. I’m not sure what happens in the Chicago version – my older schooled version is that … hmm, think the Garvey’s use to have a dinner or something … I’m not sure – don’t really remember. I only remember Sunday mornings with my ex as that he would go with the older two to get donuts and he’d read the newspaper and watch his Sunday morning business shows. I don’t really remember even what we’d be doing. Not until the last year when we’d started to really write, and at that – it was through the “I Ching.” It’s ok, It was a steady start.

The boys might go out, hmm, I remember there was some socializing first couple year over at the Garvey’s until our family started to overwhelm them – I was still under the Minnesota way where families came over. Then there were there wasn’t anyone, but the church family to the north of us at the first Oak Park house on Euclid. No other friends or neighbors. There were the Lordan’s and Mary Dolan’s family at the Gunderson place. And, then there was the Spanish families like Roger and Arthur and others, and the poorer family renting across from us. I forget their last name, but her first name was Terry. Maybe something like Wikowski? They eventually divorced, but rented from us for a time being. They had 3 boys that played with ours, but were rougher. Then at the Douglas place there were the folks in the educational groups two Sue’s, a Karen, and the librarian. It bothers me I can’t remember her name. She was the most important at the end – the librarian.

After we moved to the apartment with the boys and the house, I had a couple of guy friends, but I feel uncomfortable enough with that I don’t even want to go there a smidge. It was a mess. Then there was Sean and Rich. I think I knew Sean better than Rich at first, but it was the JVS people. Then the SMU people and then the St. Rose people. Other than the boys, I’ve not picked up any friends, neighbors or friends since. Been mostly scared of people and relationships – There have been many computer friends that have come and gone.

Most of the relating that I had been craving the first years of marriage I got through Lordan and some of the women in Elgin, but I was pretty crushed that they would just disappear as we needed to move on. None of my relationships through marriage or school – high school, or college carried on. Of course, we lost all our in-law relationships, and I’ve found that the relationships that I’ve carried through work have all been separated from friendships to purely managerial business type relationships. There is some feeling of wanting to help the people I work for, but since most don’t want help it seems. Ok, shhh … there’s us getting negative again … let’s get into that later, maybe. Back to the other …

I found the relationships, but they all seemed to fail – and can I say honestly here because of the sexuality issues. There were problems with the relationship with Lordan – more of a desire there, though no touching ever … an instance of Sue’s husband coming on to us, and then the couple poor relationships in those few years while getting the divorce, and then of course the poor male work relationships at JVS other than Rich, and the last poor relationship with BJ. It seems that our personalities seem to draw this kind of trouble, but we’d noted out loud with Rich, that ever since we’d been back from MN and that situation with BJ – so for 9 years now – there’s been no male troubles. I have to admit that part of it is that we’ve been “cloistered” at St. Rose Center. I remember telling Sr. about BJ when we first got there.

I told her that I was looking for a place to be with fewer male contacts. She had thought that St. Rose would be good in that aspect. And, it has been. Beside Rich, a few CSO people, and the first aid guy, there really is no male contact. I think oh my God thank God for that. I’ve assumed so much credit for that I feel I or we must be doing something wrong to get in bad relationships. There was one relationship here on line that was male, but he identified and established right away, we didn’t need to or wouldn’t need to act like that, and to our greatest appreciation we didn’t – more in a “come-on” manner… except maybe there was frustration and some jealousy later when we lost most contact with the relationship because his other commitments, dynamics, time, or maybe feelings about us had changed. I’m not sure. I was never told. *Sigh* Going on …

The thing is … We started talking about the difference of being more Minnesotan than Chicagoan. Maybe because we talk to so few people - being in relationship to Rich because of his necessary privacy needs, it’s been more “Chicago-style.” But, the latest comparison was that the place is getting to be nice enough and tasks being done timely enough that it feels that we might one day be able to have people over – like when we were in Minnesota. Especially, over the years of being with Rich without Rich … those seem like dark tunnel years now … I couldn’t most often wouldn’t touch anything that had to do with life. I still feel the awkwardness of having to touch things lifelike like the dusting that someone else had mentioned. I couldn’t do that … I was one that needed time back at the computer. I needed time to be here by myself, but I don’t know if I’m not an aberration of those of us who didn’t have life with others for so long. Most of the 14 years, and especially the last 10 years without the boys too … have been a part of that “So long” years.

Now it’s like … Rich has come over … and he’s staying. So my life has doubled.

It’s just the most incredible thing. I think of being here in with him generically in Chicago as being more urban than Minnesota … I was born in the city of Minneapolis, but grew up mostly in the suburb, where in Chicago, we mostly lived also in the suburb, but things seemed mostly connected to the city. In Minneapolis the thing mostly connected with the city is that both sets of grandparents lived in the city. It doesn’t surprise me at all that I live in Brookfield now and work in Chicago as does Rich. Doesn’t even surprise me that I work on the south side.

When I see corners of Minnesota popping like stopping to pour Rich’s coffee - it is like me stepping into an old MN life. Something with women’s lib in a min. There was another memory of following around adults in childhood. I hadn’t remembered that part until the last few days. I remember my mother going out and it seemed like it happened a lot. We would get babysitters. In that same respect, we sit in Rich’s room on either the bed or chair and watch him get ready like this morning to go out the same way. Or, like when we were married, I added that element in that our special time with our spouse when he got home from work - we sat with the toilet stool down and watched him while he lounged in the bathtub after a hard day painting outside. It was our time to talk before dinner when the boys were really upon us.

Or, like earlier we’d mentioned sitting those valuable 15 minutes with Rich before he went out and we were having coffee. Others’ lives are going on and about and we are here to witness them happening. It was something too of the family life up in WI when we watched others going out, especially with the snowmobiles.

Those are more like Minnesota times. Now remembering … my ex lived in Minnesota a total of six years. Maybe that’s why we fit in together is that he adapted somewhat to that lifestyle. He only got in small visits of time where he was with family and saw their level of visiting. I think though that its like Maury and his in-laws, my ex too found the level of conversation with my family to be very low-level and sub-standard. Maybe I did too. I had learned to be more an intellectual snob. But, now when I look at my writing I see that I don’t talk over the great ideas and philosophies of mankind. I go over the small day to day tasks and thoughts of just myself and those few small relationships that I have with people and objects. I don’t mean to run myself down, because in fact I think of my life as quite exceptional. I think I’m doing great things by noting on paper thoughts that are general and that are like most people find common in thought. Well, mostly. Some thoughts are probably odd – to my disordered ways of thinking, but that just makes me a little more fun.

Teasing. I think of my style of writing and I would suppose that many over the years have written self-stories. I guess I think because its so orientated to the time I’m living in directly that it’s more like “A dance with Wolves,” or “The Diary of Anne Frank.” Things happened in those stories to make them important of the times they covered. I’m not saying that now because I’m living the years of “Big Britney Spears” I’m covering an era – really, I don’t follow along with life that closely, but maybe my story is important because I watch my thoughts as closely as I do. There is enough psychologist in me that wants to think through why I think and what is it I think about. I want to know and understand the things that happen to me or excite me. Or disappoint me. I think these things are important to others who really want to know how multiples process thoughts. They miss of course the tantrums of other inner young ladies who argue with Rich over bedtimes and whether or not there will be Christmas cookies. *Sigh* are we making any headway here?

Just thinking of our very first writing memory was a story that I was to turn in … I think I’ve talked of this once before, but my fourth grade teacher Ms. Murphy from University Avenue Elementary School gave me and the class the assignment to write about anything we wanted to. I don’t ever recall having that kind of feeling of freedom and excitement. I don’t know what had gone on before to give it that kind of priority. I remember being in my bedroom and finding from there or the sewing room a puzzle that belonged to me of three poor starving alleycats under a wharf. I wanted to write about those cats’ loneliness. Now looking at it in retrospect, I wanted to write about my loneliness, but at the time I couldn’t … I might have handed in something, I don’t know. I just remember the feeling that I couldn’t write the feelings that were strong in me, but that I had wanted to more than anything. I thought that much of writing.

Now, I can write as often as I want. Well, not quite, but I can do most my spare hours with it. It’s been my companion for all those “long years” without Rich and for all these next years while he’s out doing whatever he wants to go out and do.

As to the feelings of bringing people in … I would like to have open one day … and I’ve know we’ve talked about this before, but I would like the home opened where his kids and our kids can stop by. I hear the casual conversations between him and his kids and I know they still love him. He’s told me that the youngest has the hardest time with him being in another relationship. Maybe he won’t then ever come over?

Shoot, I sure hope one day he will … maybe with the phenomenal help of Rich’s fantastic apple pies? I don’t know. I don’t know if I could change my boys direction. I know they “stop in” to see their father. Could they stop in to see us too? Could we do that much of what I loved about MN people?

As to neighbors and such … I think we have to move into a different neighborhood.

Hey WAIT!!! There’s still Rich’s friends? Bob wouldn’t mind climbing though he might complain about climbing 3 flights of stairs? HMM? Maybe even have his friend Doug over or Mike, or SOMEONE? That’s all a part of me wanting to lose weight too.

I want to be a normal size, so that I don’t scare Rich’s friends off. I don’t want them to ask … why is he seeing her? What does he see in her? It’s bad enough I’m mentally unstable sometimes, I got to have SOMETHING in my favor? Shoot, I’m not even the one that cooks apple pies!

Ok, shhhhh now your getting silly again.

How bout we think about lunch and another cup of coffee? Maybe a washroom break?

I think now reading over a little of this last portion that I’m now being very confusing. We’re fading from one topic to another just blending everything that comes to mind. Like one part taking off on the last thought of another. I gotta tie this up because we still want to get to the room and it is now 12:07 Lets gather some ropes.

• Christmas trees
• Rich Chicago vs. Us Minnesota doing Chicago
• People stopping over or not vs. Household care
• Friends, neighbors, family lost with moves or other
• Failed male relationships, but finding Rich safe
• Again Rich secluded/neglected Chicago - us Minnesotan want to be friendly
• Rich's need for privacy - our dark tunnel
• Aberration of self that became - the "so-long" years
• Rich has come over to stay - life doubled in happiness
• The mixing of good part of "fast-orientated" Chicago and "people-orientated" Minnesota
• Others going out and us just watching
• The need to share, talk, and especially (the safest version) write about our thoughts and feelings – to be known too
• Ex' and boys version of MN being intellectually and other (abuse) sub-standard
• Self trying to find meaning in the value or our orientation through writing
• Like to have an open door house where people and especially family come over
• accept us and get to know Rich - Finding ourselves in holiday thoughts

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/03/2007 06:14:00 AM Comments: 0