Ayn's Multiple World

Ahh we found our Saturday morning behind a nap

Good morning. It’s me … we’re back! Pretty good, hmm?? Pretty sure we weren’t even missed. Even V. like … ok great! I’ll be over here. Hmpf! Eh … we’re on a new track … trying to give V a break. Be NICE!

We’re a little on the tired side. We’ve been home for about 45 minutes. Still a little dazed. We’ve had just some coffee and cereal and am contemplating medicine.

Good morning again. It’s us again, but it is now about 3 hours later. We made it a little bit and remember saying to V when he asked about a nap that we were too tired to sleep. I had to think about that statement … like hmm. Probably should go to bed then, right? I’m very glad we did … not to say that we’ve stopped yawning, but at least we’re not quite as spacey.

Our kitties disregarded us at first after getting back. By that I mean they still sat between us and the screen, but instead of lying down and cuddling, he turned his back toward me. I’ve seen that maneuver before. But, we made up by now all we had to do was get into our sleep position and all was forgiven. Chief of course is the primary cuddler and he maintained that space up until a moment ago back at the keyboard. He wasn’t in favor of us pouring a cup of coffee. I think he Hmpf’d me!

By now, of course, V’s off-line and our sweetie pie is out doing his Saturday morning things, so we left him a message and here we are. We still have some of that gluey stuff in our hair and we know that we need to take a shower, but we haven’t built that much stamina yet. We first have to get over our computer deprivation. To be fair, I did have a room that was half for sleep and half for office AND there was a computer, but I couldn’t use it and there wasn’t anyone there while we were sleeping. We were pretty sure it WAS used though because there was lots of paperwork around and one of those expensive stress free chairs … the kind Dr. Marvin uses. So, we figured that someone comes in during the day and handles stuff from the paperwork the night before.

It was a pretty structured environment. But, before we got there we stopped and got a pie snack from BK. That’s what happens when you are going to be in an enclosed place and you have an extra half hour to kill. We had to go through a crowded emergency entrance and instead of being able to ask the guard for a wheel chair … he immediately sent me down this long unforgiving corridor. Ugh. It took us to the main entrance and to the elevators … then we got stopped by another security guy who sent us back to the main door where someone gives out proper passes to be in the building. THEN, we went back to the elevator to the 5th floor, and down another unforgiving hallway. We were so hurting when we got there that we couldn’t answer the questions … it came out like …need chair NOW!

The lady was pretty nice about and said something about next time getting a wheel chair, but we reworked the scenario and as nice as that sounded, we knew that wasn’t happening. Mostly, because it would have taken effort from someone to find a chair and someone to push it and at this time of the night, nothing is really very open or available.

So, we were sitting in a room that looked like half office half cold sterile hospital room, with the only difference being that the bed was larger than normal, though still made up with the usual hospital coverings and flat pillows. The technician very unceremoniously handed us a clipboard and said, fill out the top two sheets and then … you brought something to sleep in right? Ok, after you fill in the form you can put on your night clothes. Yes ma’am.

We did as we were told and fortunately we were pretty quick about it and brushing our teeth, and remembered to use the washroom, because seconds after that she whooshed in with a bunch a bunch a bunch of wires and things. She moved our chair to next to the bed, laid out the wires over the bed and preceded in strapping us in. They were right … it took about 45 minutes. There were a LOT of wires and straps. I didn’t have the nerve to have a picture taken, but I got a chance to see ourselves later while up to use the bathroom … Shoot it was like out of a science fiction movie. That’s all I want to say about that!

After she was done putting on wires, she pulled back a sheet on the bed and said I could lie down now and get comfortable. I though, umm hmmm. To our benefit the nicest part was that she talked to us while she was putting on the stuff and she seemed like a nice person. Granted half the talk was about what she was doing, but it was enjoyable … sort of like I remember a pajama party to be except the technician was your best friend and each was doing the other’s hair and this time instead of curlers there were wires. Getting in to bed was very troublesome as you might imagine … not only were the wires on our head, face, chest, waist, and arms, they were extended down to our legs. I remember using as few movements as possible. She did put up the head of the bed a bit and I had a couple of pillows, but I wouldn’t go as far to say that it was comfortable. YEEKS! She had the TV on low the whole time and we hadn’t been watching it, but it was about a half an hour before 10 when the test started officially, so she suggested I watch something and she turned on the news. Hmpf … Who on God’s Earth wants to watch CNN at bedtime. That’s enough to give you nightmares.

I started to fall asleep before the time was up, because she came in to turn off the TV and asked me if I wanted to start already. There was a video camera on and all those wires leading to different test apparatus, but it was dark and we were zonked. We did our fair amount of tossing and turning and after calling her in during the night to use the washroom, she said we were snoring up a storm. *Sigh* Well, they were the ones who wanted to hear it! Nobody else has made that same request throughout our life. Good for them! They handled the wires by pulling me off some master switch. She wrapped a cord holding the whole flank of wires to a base around my neck and said … ok you can use the washroom now. Uh huh … ummm thanks.

We went back to bed and although the next time I was conscious it was already 5 am and time for the study to be over, I had the uncomfortable sense that it had been a very terrible sleep. My back hurt, we were too warm and things were wrapped around us giving us that tight claustrophobic feeling. And, the tech was being a little more over efficient and business like than we like to wake up to. We had brought our coffee but was being brustled out of there so fast there was no time to open it up. She took off the wires quickly leaving the snaps on my person, and she made it clear that unless I could be done with my shower in 10 minutes time there wasn’t enough time for me to take the shower. She said I could do it, but I had to be out by 6 am sharp. I shuddered thinking of all that gunk they put on your head to make things stick and I knew there was no way in hell I could take JUST a quick shower. My only sense of relief was that it was too early to run into many people in the hall on our way to the car.

The next uncomfortable part was that I had remembered the long walk the night before and her telling me I should have asked for a wheel chair. So, I thought to ask her before we changed for a wide chair, because I know at hospitals this is sometimes a difficult time consuming task and no one enjoys waiting around for the apparatus. She grumbled … I thought Lordy. I’ve just given her room to be frustrated with me. I’ve long learned that if you need someone to take care of you, the last thing you should do is frustrate them. About 10 minutes later she came rushing into the room saying this was the best she could do. She had found a commode on wheels and was asking me to sit on the toilet so I could be wheeled down the hall. I shook my head and said, no … I don’t think that is going to happen. She said It’s the only thing I can give you. Then she said I’ll be right back. I would have liked to think she was going to look for another option, but I know she was just giving me time to deal with it. I sat there staring at the chair weighing in my predicament. After a few moments I could hear her a couple of rooms away complaining to another staff and I heard the staff say, she walked in her, she can walk out. Obviously, pain was not to be a factor. And, so I just got up and left.

It was another terrible walk. I was grateful that I’d brought my things in the suitcase, especially my dog. In our eyes we had to get him out of there to safety. We took it slow and steady and thought how much better we were realistically after just one week at the gym. Before we made it to the door we’d caught up to another poor lady who should have been given a wheel chair. She was a bigger lady then me and had gotten to the end of the wrong door and had fallen out in tears. She was worried because she was hurting, she knew she was at the wrong door, had also been rushed to get out without assistance, and was afraid of missing her CDT. Some nice guy coming in the ER entrance offered to check her ride for her and we scooted out past her thinking oh please let me just make it to the car. I was grateful, we’d gotten a good parking place, just inside the parking garage across the street and that it had been on the first floor.

I think I would have felt more responsibility for the other lady if the guy hadn’t offered to help her, and I knew by then I was already in pain and that it was only going to get worse crossing the half block between there and the car. When we are on our feet, time is the enemy. I don’t know if many of you can appreciate knowing that every time you stand up, you are racing the clock to get to your next destination and this is made worse by knowing there isn’t anyone, or any bench/chair that is going to save you between one stop and the next. It is like going out to a battleground with snipers shooting at you after you’ve been shot in the back. You can’t stop, but the pain and fear follows you nonetheless. You think I’ve just got to make it a little farther, just a little more.

We made it to the car and hoisted the suitcase in the back end. We were pretty shaken and got lost and confused getting out of the parking garage. BUT, we were sitting down, so we pulled into a spot to compose ourselves. We should have given ourselves a few extra moments, but there is that sense of wanting just to get past and out of the entire experience. AND, as you might guess we were up to our normal tricks and running down a mental path between getting out of the garage and making it to the next available Dunkin Donuts. Our only saving grace was the thought two muffins might be better for us than two fritters. HMPF!

We are not good night drivers and the trip home seemed to be a part of someone else’s nightmare. But, we made it … and here it is 11:40 am and we’re feeling much, much better. As mentioned before we did brush past V this morning, and by now our friend has called to check on us and we’re thinking that we’re going to need thinking through the next portion of our morning. With the telling of the tale, the story completes itself and can be tossed to the back closet of our imagination. There is one fearful part though. The tech said that my results were inconclusive and that I was on some borderline, so that it would take the doctor about 2-3 weeks to read/listen to all the information and get back to us. I know for a fact he scheduled a meeting two months down the road. So, I’m guessing that this is all going to remain a large question mark from here to there. AND, she said that if they are thinking I need one of those C-Pap machines, get this … I am going to need going back to the hospital and trying that all over again, but this time hooked up to the dang machine.

This is the last thing I would ever want to be thinking of at this stage of the game. In my mind’s way of thinking … they had their chance … if they can’t make up their mind, it is not my fault and we’re not going through that again. I think of that poor woman standing in the doorway of the narrow hallway like a scared rabbit that is shaking and shuddering. That’s just no way to treat people. I’ve had as much as I want from all that! HMPF!

So that’s that … We decided that it was close enough to lunch that we are going to have some lunch even though it still seems like early morning. We’ve taken out the vegetable tray and set the microwave to 13 minutes for warming up the frozen food. Need to refocus now on something else. I’m not sure of the gym, but are thinking toward the direction that it will be ok … just we gotta give it a little time. Our friend said he wasn’t sure if he could come over, but if he did come it would be after 5 pm. That gives us 5 hours to figure out getting a shower and possible gym. Not promising much more than that.

There was something else though I though I should go over from last night … that is before the hospital thingy. I think it is covered sort of within the videos that were made yesterday … and that is something to do with a bad number on one of the blood tests we took on Thursday. Whoops washroom first … brb.

Ok … have to look up that information again. Dr. Marvin said my test for Hgb A1C was 5.7. This was good because the acceptable range is between 4 and 6 and the last time we’d taken this test we were at 9.4. This is the sneaky diabetes test they give that can go back 120 days in checking how well you’ve been eating. It’s the most important test results they look for each time and the one that encourages the thinking that it wouldn’t be easy to lie about your eating habits. He said also that my bad cholesterol is just within the normal ranks as well. Acceptable is between 100-200 and I’m at 173. Obviously this number could be better, but the medication we’re taking seems to be helping. Not so good is the good cholesterol test. Here the acceptable range is 40-60 and we’re below normal with a 29. And, the other not so good part is that our triglycerides are too high … here a normal range is between 45-150 and our number is 249. Dr. Marvin gave us a nifty article to read about it, but in doing so he has given us the fact that we’re under a new medical condition called, “hypertriglyceridemia.” That’s a scary way of saying that our tryglycerides are high and our HDL (good cholesterol) is low. He says that means that we look like we are at the level IV, but he also stated he would defer to someone more knowledgeable in medicine, or in fact, our doctor Allbright. But, in the meantime it gave us very good information.

I can’t say I understand why all these numbers are important to the body. We’ve never even figured out what the insulin does with our diabetes medicine. TG is the shorthand word for triglycerides. Somehow they are synthesized in the liver and intestine and packaged into lipoproteins. The lipoproteins care TGs and cholesterol throughout the circulation. Something happens to them called catabolism and TGs are hydrolyzed, which I think means fatty acids are released in the blood and cholesterol is switched from HDL to VLDL, which is very low density lipoproteins. I’m not sure why all that is important, but I’m thinking because its something to do with protein it has something to do with how our body metabolizes energy. The main problem this seems to point to is that my body is telling me that it knows we are having dietary indiscretions … umm, that means our body knows that we are cheating. I wasn’t sure before if anyone knew this in particular, but I guess a score is being kept.

Damn.

The problem with this is that it places me in a category of another level of increase risk for cardiovascular disease (CVD). Usually the risk in women doesn’t increase until 55-60 years old, so we seem to be pushing an envelope at 47. I’m personally relating this to my life line. It seems just having this now gives me a 20% greater chance of having a stroke in the next 10 years. It seems like having diabetes that’s out of control and having problems with our hypothyroidism is affecting my physical state. A couple other things that could affect me having hTG would be if I drank a lot or was on high-carbohydrate diets. But, none of those things are a problem, so it more squarely places the situation in the hands of being out of control with our diabetes. The direct conditions I’m having problem with are being obese, being sedentary, being de-conditioned, and smoking. These are all things we’re working at right now. And, it seems to mean that this isn’t really much of a choice, but a necessity. The 249 mark means that we are have high TG levels, but not Very high. That would be the result of a number over 500. Still it doesn’t mean that we can slough and explicitly it says that we need to have a program health wise that addresses both aerobic AND toning exercises along with dietary management and that that alone should lower the TGs. But, if that doesn’t work, it will mean a new medicine to an already overgrown list. L the worst of the diet seems to be in intake of sugar and white flour products. I’m supposed to restrict simple carbohydrates and increase dietary fiber and when I drink alcohol, no more than one drink a day. Another thing I have to pay attention to is Omega-3 fatty acids … remember we were talking about flax seeds (whatever they are??) well, it seems that if we do them, we could lower our TG score up to 40%. It also says fatty fish are good, but I’m not about to star eatin sardines, herring, OR mackerel. Hmpf! Just like the government this report suggests that we workout about 30-60 minutes most days and tone about 20-30 minutes twice a week.

So that about wraps up that set of concerns. There are several things I am gong to need looking into either through my reading or with Dr. M., but mostly it means just having a real clear head about what exactly I am doing that increases sugar and white flour products. I can be pretty sure right off the bat that neither apple fritters or even muffins are good for me. But, if this is the case … why oh why does my body crave them so much???

AHA! V has signed on … I wonder if he’s going to want to talk to me J?? We are at a good break point. AND, just remembered to get out our lunch … Hmm, took us an hour to do that … cool. Ok, that didn’t go so well. Feel a bit flattened. Need to look elsewhere. I have to disregard the thoughts that are negative to my being or others. Maybe it is best to just say sometimes that I don’t understand and that is ok, because I am not a lesser person for being daft.

Ok. Where to go next. You know it seems to be that my mind often follows my moods and maybe this ties into something Dr. M. and I were talking about … maybe I can trace that thought forward. He told me in a summary … “You had mentioned wanting a recap of the session. We spent most of it reviewing the lab and medical appointments. Later we talked about how strong feelings, especially frustration and anger lead to either feeling depressed or behaviors that you are trying to avoid (like the fritters). It was a good start to working on the process - learning how to recognize them and have more of a choice in using healthier coping mechanisms.”

I think it would be easy to capitalize on the thought that often we feel angry and frustrated and that it is a common practice of ours to discuss those moments. For example, earlier in this writing we discussed my frustration in not having help get to the sleep clinic or from the sleep clinic. Directly, it was due to there not being a chair and service available without causing hospital staff to go out of their way. I got frustrated with this poor service, particularly from a hospital who is providing a health service and should be more sensitive to needs of patients with special physical and mental difficulties. I got angry that there wasn’t more concern that I had been put through pain not once, but twice, and in the process I had observed another patient in my similar circumstance who was taking the situation more stressfully, than even I had felt. I felt perhaps more in control in that I know I will make a connection back to the service by means of communicating my sense of dismay via a dissatisfaction survey. It may be a small means in correcting a large problem in the service industry, but at least I will be able to say I’ve had an input. I have to think ahead as to what happens if I’m again put into this situation. My immediate thought would be to arrange a chair down at the ER security desk to meet me and refuse to move until my needs are accommodated. But, again that works against our fears in upsetting staff. In general my experience has been that people are vindictive and if you make them uncomfortable they will treat you with less respect than you might have been given otherwise. This is not to say that you’ve been allotted high respect, but that lower respect could include you being treated more poorly than you had been before.

Dr. Marvin asked last time, if there weren’t a healthier coping mechanism to feelings of anger and frustration. My first thought was in saying it would be to talk to him. He reminded me that he wasn’t always available to talk to. This leads me to believe that this means of writing would be a healthier manner in which to resolve the feelings. I would like to not respond self-viciously as we do when for example we left the building to go immediately to Duncan Donuts after we’d well established this wasn’t healthy thinking. We were doing something to hurt our body and our mind in constraint of worser behaviors.

It is good now, in that I am closer to recognizing my frustrations and anger and in the acceptance not too long after the fact of working through the turmoil I had felt in being treated with disregard as to our pain. Walking long distances hurts, and this could have been avoided, but staff chose an easier path of turning away from our concern. I had the sense that after I had filled in her last task for me, the survey, that she was complete with me and I was dismissed and not of concern any longer to her. I had been cooperative in her work and she was that much closer to being able to go home. This was oppressive in that while she was hooking me up, I’d had the sense that she cared about me as a patient, because she was talking to us about the procedures and light personal like both our feelings on cats. I was left than with the feeling that I’d been used in as far as she wasn’t possibly as concerned with my well being as she might have been in having a smooth night from me.

Now, if we were at work, which fortunately we are not; I would be advising our client to after having conveyed his trouble to then dismiss it. And, maybe here we fit within Vince’s order of being; we would be dismissive of thoughts that were causing us pain. In this situation, thinking of the technician’s disregard is causing me to identify and in so doing reestablish my feelings of frustration. It had hurt to be thought so little of when I had trusted her more to be someone who cared. This was important, because I had placed my well-being with her in that she would help take care of me while there. In a sense, she did take care, but when pressed so-to-speak said, that is not my job to see you are wheeled to the door. I don’t’ have to do it and I won’t. Deal with that! Within the current condition of frustration I again have to make choices in how I handle my feelings. I don’t know what magic ingredient is caused upon my thoughts by sharing them with unknown others, but I know this is helpful as hinted previously. There should though a what then. If we’ve established the thought that we’ve told someone and can then let go, or we’ve marked this as ok right now and we’ll convey it to the proper authority later by means of a survey, then our business here is concluded. Being the perfectionist we tend to be, which might lead one to believe we are still not well, I would think we need to go over in summary thus far. Maybe we can point it to the direction of our self-regulation program where we having acted out through our writing, can now look back and evaluate.

I think we can let go the hospital for the time being, but recognize; we are still in frustration of our V-space. I will not challenge the relationship by discussing it out here as is our preference, but leave a marker in that although I am very proud of Vince for writing again, we again find ourselves inept in an ability to discuss his more important thoughts with him. Here, I can let go with the thought that no matter which profound thought he has presented through time, we still cannot communicate in the connection of his written thoughts to our personal understanding. It seems there is still resistance in sharing thoughts through analyses or synthesis. In greater part I think as if his thoughts are more privately or exclusively held, and that I am wrong in challenging them by asking questions or making comment, and that has to be ok. Half of any relationship is the invitation to relate. I’d much rather meet the artist than pretend I understand his art, but will succumb to just passing by the whole, at risk of being disqualified altogether.

Soo, next … it is 2 pm. It seems as if we might begin to concentrate on getting ourselves to the gym if we are to do so prior to 5 pm … WHEN, our friend may or may not come over. I’m finding ourselves with the need to be warmed up on what could be construed otherwise as a gloomy overcast day. Throughout I’ve enjoyed the act of writing and will look forward to it again. Ok, too much a conclusion … let’s just say … let’s meet up again after I’ve washed some of that stuff from my hair! We can do this, right? Need to be progressing the health, although, we’re not sure of a better outcome. Is it a good or bad thing to want life over death. As theoretically, good it should appear the greater part has been to work against it if not directly through actions of suicidality, then indirectly though poor body concept and unclear thought. *Sigh* life must be a progression in trying to understand self and other. At least, perhaps a valid choice.

posted by Ann Marie @ 10/14/2006 02:12:00 PM Comments: 1