Umm as an abstract side note to post ... Guess what's in!??
Umm another abstract detail ... we were surprised as all get out, but the new mini?? She's only 2-5/8"W x 3-1/8"H x 4-1/2"D Weight: 0.94 lb. with battery. Man is the picture misleading! But, for the record ... I think she's cuter than all get-out! This picture of the camcorder is about 75% accurate hehehehe...
Good morning … this is me. I hope this is you otherwise we may both be in trouble. *Sigh*
This is a nice wonderful Saturday morning … It’s about 20 after 8 am. We’re just pretty much waking up … me and Chief. He’s at that happy she finally fed me stage and looking to take a snooze between my arms. Whoops there we go … had to do a little adjusting … but he’s tucked in and his tail is still happy waving. We haven’t gotten our first cup of coffee yet because we’re finishing up on some lemonade slushy made last night and fridgerdized. Life is good hehehe. I haven’t taken our medicine either, but I didn’t want to upset Chief yet … we’ll get to that in short order though.
We got home from work very very late. I think it was about a few minutes after 8 pm when we left. That was like doing a day and a half, but we felt good about doing it. We wanted to finish a big report we were working on and we did. Just that the new sister had come in after about 6:30 pm and we were talking back and forth with her a bit. She didn’t seem to mind at all that we were still there. We had only 3 pages to finish at that time out of 44, but that’s the way those things go. I enjoyed the talking part.
We were real happy the way the report turned out … It is actually more like a succinct version of the Administration minutes – it has all the ideas covered, but the format is different … we write in a different tense and instead of it being a run on narrative, we list the problem, the solution, the date expected to be completed and who is responsible for each issue. I think there were about 700 issues total for the year. So it might sound like …
“Approved for Developmental Training funding confirmed by facilitator” as a problem, then as a solution or really next thing to do … “Look for paperwork documenting changes”
Or,
“Reminder has been given to staff that the first staff member to see an incident must be the reporting party” then it was followed by “monitor progress.” I liked to turn these terribly complex thoughts into simple run-on sentences hehehe. Ok, one more example?
“Looking into extending cement in front of building for more surface area loading and unloading passengers to vehicles, but told that city could not cut down curb for ramp” solution? “Look into alternatives.”
I know pretty goofy, hmm… Repeat 700 times, shake, but do not stir. I had done it like this for the last CARF inspection too … It is not real difficult work, but is very comprehensive and takes about three days to write. The whole thing is called an Accessibility Plan … it is how we plan to take care of things to make everything more accessible to the clients or other stakeholders in the center. I have another equally long report I’m going to write over the weekend that will be the same in it holds some of the same information but in different order. Sooo, we group stuff together, but it will be listed under barriers. So where we have categories now as transportation, safety, or financial, etc. those will get grouped as similar barriers keeping us from providing service so instead of going all the June stuff, then July stuff, then … whatever – we will put all the transportation things together all the safety etc. and we will make a marker for whether things involve clients, staff, or other stakeholders and we will leave a column to include whether or not there are financial considerations involved. Then after that, we will write our 11 reports from the data collected primarily from this next report on barriers and we will try to keep those 11 reports down to 3-5 pages each. After that there will be one more major report that needs to be written called the Performance analysis, but we’ll save you from that explanation … we’d worked on it before so you’d have to go back and find it … or wait till later … that report is the biggest report and takes into consideration where all the client has been as to progress with his program. I’ve got the format I want down for that report, but it could take a month to write it. Pretty tough stuff.
So that’s pretty much that for the time being … I’m not ready to start that report yet. Maybe by about 10 or 11 this morning or basically one or two hours from now … Hmm. Think we’re to that part where since kitties sauntered off to bed we need to get coffee and take medicine … brb.
AHA! Done and found breakfast cereal too!
Well now that is kinda done now too. Ahh back to coffee! Very good.
Hmm, what to write about next? Do you know that it is sweetie pies weekend to be fishing?? This is the last regular fishing trip and then there will be just the one for the winners. This is the one that decides who goes to the final trip … well everyone can go fish, but it only counts for the first five people. Sweetie Pie’s stayed in first place all summer, but he’s up against tough odds this weekend because he has a not so good fisherman partner. Sweetie is not in a very good position because he’s a “back seater.” That means he doesn’t own a boat and is always partnered with someone who does. That’s the same for everyone … you either are one or the other. The boat owner people get to choose where to fish and they get the best fishing spot in the boat because they direct the boat so it will be to their advantage first. Back seaters usually have to fish around the other … but somehow he’s done it and been in first place and he’s pretty happy about that, but its been a pretty pressuresome summer. He says all the top guys within 5 points contention. YEEKS!
Sweetie Pie called us last night, but only talked for a few minutes … enough to let me know he’s not done so good the first day, but he’s still holding out. He said he called to tuck me in. He also said that he called earlier about 6:30 pm, but we weren’t home then … he got ahold of us at 9 pm. We had to giggle and say, are you checking up on us??? He’s so silly! He said he was pretty darn tired and was heading for bed. He said he looked around at one point and said there were ten guys in his bedroom (motel) … I thought that was kinda funny … poor baby fish face. I think these guys are making him feel kinda good.
Let’s see what else in the news … Did you know that Deb had her operation? We heard from her hubby this week that things were ok, but haven’t caught up to Deb quite yet. I think first priority is that you have to stop working so you can be available. Yup, yup … think that’s what has to happen. We got news that V. will be having his operation October 5th, but we’ve been having similar trouble getting enough time with him too. We’re not matching up on morning time and he’s not signing on at any other time of the day or night … says he’s doing extra reading. Uh HUH uh HUH … I think its some kind of denial, or withdrawal. If he’s not on line at least reading blogs … then he’s definitely out of touch and that’s no good. There’s not much accountability. Only get MAYBE a hello message in email, which is better than nothing, but it’s not much! HMPF!
We talked to our Grandma earlier in the week and she seems to be still doing good. If we are being a real good Ann, we will go sometime over the weekend to mail a box we packed up for her. It is only a tiny one, but we put in our tape recorder and a box of 10 mini-tapes. This is so she can record some thoughts she has when she has the mind to do it. She says she wakes up at night with thought on her mind and sometimes has trouble going back to sleep … We want her to put stuff down and then we can write it out, because that’s what needs to get done. I think Sweetie Pie has an extra recorder that I could use if she were to send the messages back to us. Like I said, I would like to go to the post office today … have to deposit check too. Maybe we can get there before 2 pm and then we’ll call and tell her its on the way … That would make us both smile.
One other news … is that Jacob IM’d this morning. He was up til about 5:30 am playing Dungeons and Dragons with his school friends. SHEESH! You’d think he was at the University of Sorcery! Last semester … you got to give it to him! Heheheh. Anyway … he asked if I would like to come out tomorrow and we said yup yup … would like to be there. So, we’ll meet him about 11 am. I think he’s in the same building as he has been, but he said he’s in another wing … so we’ll look for him today to make sure we’re meeting him in the right place. Looking very forward to that … We haven’t heard from the other two sons. But, that’s kinda to be expected. I’m not looking forward to telling any of them that school is on hold.
Hmm, that’s another thing that happened yesterday … we went through some paces about getting school officially put on medical leave. We finally got a call back from the School counselor and we sent a letter to the last prof, filled in a medical leave application, and contacted Dr. Marvin about the email he is going to need submit to the school. Between us we got a release form sent through with the fax and he said he will write the letter on Monday morning. So that makes me feel a little better. It wasn’t a very good counselor, but we progressed the situation.
Hmm … there is some news with Dr. M too … He’s going to have a couple of weeks off within the next couple of months, but officially we are going to be seeing him now once a week. So, that is very good news. We saw him on Thursday. I remember that we took care of some medicine stuff. He is going to change our prescriptions so that we’re getting a little more anti-depressant and anxiety medications. We’re hoping that is going to help. We’ll have to see how that goes. We have to wait until this next week before everything is set up for the medication changes. He says that its been a long time since we’ve changed and also a long time now where we’ve had continuous problems with depression and anxiety. We also talked more about the obsessive-compulsive stuff and about psychosis and neurosis. This is what the dictionary says …
Main Entry: psy•cho•sis Pronunciation Guide
Pronunciation: s k s s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural psycho•ses \- s zEtymology: New Latin, from psych- + -osis
1 : profound disorganization of mind, personality, or behavior that results from an individual's inability to tolerate the demands of his social environment whether because of the enormity of the imposed stress or because of primary inadequacy or acquired debility of his organism especially in regard to the central nervous system or because of combinations of these factors and that may be manifested by disorders of perception, thinking, or affect symptoms of neurosis, by criminality, or by any combination of these -- distinguished from neurosis; compare INSANITY
2 : extreme mental unrest of an individual or of a social group especially in regard to situational factors of grave import
synonym see INSANITY
Main Entry: psy•cho•sis Pronunciation Guide
Pronunciation: s - k -s s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -cho•ses \- s z: a serious mental disorder (as schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality often with hallucinations or delusions
Main Entry: neu•ro•sis Pronunciation Guide
Pronunciation: n(y)ü r s s, n(y) -
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural neuro•ses \- s zEtymology: New Latin, from neur- + -osis
1 : a functional disorder of the central nervous system usually manifested by anxiety, phobias, obsessions, or compulsions but frequently displaying signs of somatic disorder involving any of the bodily systems with or without other subjective or behavioral manifestations and having its most probable etiology in intrapsychic or interpersonal conflict
2 : individual or group behavior that is characterized by rigid adherence to an idealized concept of the personal or social organism especially when that concept is significantly at variance with reality and that results in interpersonal, cultural, or political conflict and in the development of discomforting intraorganismal tensions
Main Entry: neu•ro•sis Pronunciation Guide
Pronunciation: n(y) - r -s s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ro•ses \- s z: a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances
Ok, that may or may not be understandable … It’s too hard for us at the time being. The major things we remember is that neurosis has more to do with our states of anxiety and psychosis has to do with breaks in reality. Dr. M. says that when we think everyone is mad at us that’s like being psychotic. But, it’s hard for us to think that …because it really does seem that people get mad at us. We talked to the new Sister about it last night … we said that we needed a system … and that we’d let her know when we thought Sr. was being mad at us and she could help us check it out if it were the case in reality or if we were just being psychotic. I really thought she understood that part and understands our dilemma.
I can’t say too much here because we have major breaks in our understanding of what Dr. M. was trying to tell us. We don’t feel very progressed in understanding the ramifications of being neurotic or psychotic. We’ll have to do more talking. One thing I am pretty sure about at this point. The new Sister is feeling more confident of telling Sr. Tess directly that she is available to take on some responsibilities at the center and that she has the approval of the order. One thing I suggested is that she take part of the Administration meeting and the other part I would like to suggest at this point is that she take on for Sr. Tess the handling of me. We found out last night that the new Sr. had taken on the responsibility of CARF at another place she had worked where there were like 120 clients and she said about 7 Srs. SOOO, she knows what CARF is all about. It would help tremendously my responsibilities if I could actually talk to someone when things came up either with straight up business or with CARF, or with how my psychology was being affected in general with work responsibilities. That way we could be getting things done without all the emotional overload we feel in working with Sr. Tess. I’m not sure if this is feasible, but it is worth thinking it through.
Bottom line is that I would like to work, I enjoy working hard, I like CARF and I just want to do what I gotta do without someone so emotionally involved that she can’t talk to me about what’s going on. I think that this sister can be serious about what’s happening and she really has a handle on stuff. We asked her if she really wanted to do something at our center, basically was this something that really appealed to her. She said that basically, she trusts God to show her the way and that she’s been placed at our center for a reason. She also said that she’s never been happier, in that the change of positions has released her from a lot of stress. I think too that she had personality problems at the last place she had worked with in accordance with the major nun boss, but that she felt that the other sisters had felt her loss of spirit. I can imagine that to have happened, because she is a very strong positive person. I think she really knows what she’s doing too … but, is a person that wants to cover all the bases. She said that she’s gone through all of Sister Tess’ finances and it didn’t take her too long to do it. I think she and the order have a tremendous amount of respect for Sr. Tess, but I like her attitude that she’s been placed her for a reason and that she is willing and excited to work through it. There is one poor stipulation, in that part of the plan with her being here is that it lightened her load to be completing a MBA degree and that places her here for definitely one year, but we don’t know what will happen after that. Also, she is in a position … they all are, that the main Sr. in charge of all the Sr.s here in the US is based up at the northern place here in Chicago, but that her term is up in a year. They don’t know what will happen after that, but they do know that changes occur about that time … so people have to be open to new changes in relation to that. She did give us encouragement that it would be bad practice to have gotten all this money from the Government to just outright do all the fixing to turn her over and sell her. We had told her that would be a concern in thinking through the temporary position or commitment of the big sisters in keeping our center going. Because in reality … it is still a small center with about 50 people to service.
I get very excited now though thinking that this Sr. could be a part of a new future past where Sr. Tess has taken it. It excites me that the Sr. is so strongly into finances and is a very “assertive” money/fundraiser type person. She had no qualms about being out on the street yesterday and today with the Knights of Columbus Tootsie-roll drive, nor in bringing the retired housekeeper and other seniors out there with her to get the sympathy collections. Hehehehe she’s quite the funny one. We teased her and it made her very happy that we considered her now Sr. M&M … when we are acting too strangely … she says something that strikes us as reassuring in telling us that we are just too cute! LOL it makes us giggle. The thoughts are just starting to enter our mind in thinking that we could believe she to be the one to make even more of the center than the physical masterpiece that it is turning out to be through Sr. Tess. I’ve been long bothered by the thought we could only be servicing 50 people … I would like to see more land or home to be converted on the block to be servicing more people. I don’t know how she would feel toward that. I would like before Sr. come back to convey more strongly to her where I would like to see my position going. I think we’ve made comment to her already that we feel the current position to be very close-minded.
Basically, we’re going back finally to the thought that my degree I would like to again work on could and would be used to some higher purpose. Right now there is no one, with the exception of Dr. Marvin who really honors and respects my needs to grow stronger through education and psychology. I don’t think anyone, but Sr. Tess was against it, but … I don’t know … No one was really living in the dream I had tried to carry in doing some new things with our ability to think. Even V who was the only one who consistently read all my papers often thought to comment or discuss what we were processing with the work. We appreciated like the dickens him saying “good job,” but we wanted desperately someone to talk about the stuff with. We should have been able to get that from our peers at school, or the professor, but often we found that they were commenting not in depth, but surface … here I am commenting, but I don’t really want to think about the stuff we were learning. Professors were the least likely to comment. I found myself each course looking for the smartest in the course to correspond with, but I’d get to points where I fell after finding myself dismayed with them too. I wish I could be past the CARF at this point to be going through school efforts with this new sister and with our multiple friend going through school, but who is to say that we couldn’t help to challenge the new sister to go through a doctorate program as well. Hehehe wouldn’t that be just too cool!!! I think I could find encouragement with her and I would really like to at this point talk to her about my dream position with the center, possibly do some work with the center up north or other, but in particular become a program expert, and write books in it.
I think that was part of my problem before … I had lost faith in that what we were doing was benefiting anyone, because I get so little encouragement from sister, I will ever be doing anything beside Q work. It’s not a bad thing to do, but I have thoughts that I’ve done enough about to know I would like to be doing more. I am doing a good job of teaching the assistant, but it is time that I move on or I will stagnate. I would like to make this center and its sisters a place to be put up on the programming map!
Whoops hold on here .. a certain V-person is UP!!
Hehehe ok ok … we’re all V’d-up! He had some very encouraging things to say, but I’m sorry about his son’s girl, because she just lost her Grandpa. Our hope and prayers go out to her and her families. God Bless.
We’re thinking now though that V might try to write some. We told him we’d write if he’d write … Seems in going over his last post and its comments that there are still quite a few people who want to know how he is doing. Hate to go over there and strong arm him! Guys HMPF! He’s like oh nothing’s happening … but if he doesn’t tell and even if he does … V has lost now 12 pounds and is on day 20! He’s into a whole new life … want to here about how things and thoughts are changing. There’s one for-certain positive development that we won’t mention, but … V if your reading … our thoughts are go for it … and go for it with passion!
Smooch!
Hehehe ok ok let the V be. Where were we, hmm?
Ahh yes, programming map. It’s just that while we were young in school going through the first semester we had dreams of writing programming for the center and other centers that would be innovative. I would like to think that we could learn to do stuff that is actually quite extraordinary. Now with Sr. as V says … Sr. Hen hehehe I like that … well maybe we could really do something between other centers too. We’d never had that kind of promising thought with just Sr. Tess and our center, although we were holding tight to the south side of the city. Now there isn’t a southside network because its combined with the north side, so maybe in our mind we’ll have to place the whole of Chicago within our realm, especially because the sister Sister place is on the north side where we’ve been on the south. I like the idea of merging worlds a lot. It has been like with Sr. Tess, don’t bother, I don’t want anything to do with it. But, I think Sr. Hen would encourage it to be used and thought of widely.
It’s kinda sad, but our thinking this very moment?? I think that might be the key in all that’s happened with our school this last half year or more is that I didn’t feel to anyone else as if what I was learning was ever going to make a difference to anyone but us, and that was not enough to carry us through. I know there are a lot of other psychological problems, but this part is a very important one. Somehow, I got the feeling now that Sr. Hen and us maybe might be meant to work with one another. Sr. Tess has been an isolationist, but this other Sister is connected to her order in that she communicates daily about things that are happening. She presents a whole new wider world. It thrills me to pieces that she’s on Order committees so that she’s required to be in Italy every onther year and she’s, I forgot exactly how she said it, but is in the Inner circle of Sisters by being in charge of finances. She’s into the order where we get the impression from Sr. Tess sometimes that she’s putting up with them and tells them only what she needs to tell them. I know she loves and respects them as much as she can, just she doesn’t feel too much need for them, except in a religious sense or maybe for the holidays. I’ve never had the sense that she’s really got any close sister friends, though she knows about all of them. I don’t think any with the exception now of Sr. Hen is in her confidence.
I liked how now Sr. Hen is thinking that she is going to be more direct with Sr. in telling her she wants a part of helping Sr. with the center. I think I would respect her a lot more in being direct. Sr. Tess has never liked game playing and she’s too smart and would figure out what was going on. Last thing you need is another paranoid nun!
Hmm, sure would like to play on those thoughts a little more … Being able to have a higher position with the order than just doing Qnotes. I think our Assistant is doing very wonderful there. We had a new development there as well. She helped me to see that she didn’t really want any of the extra information I gain on what is going on around the center, so I have decided no longer to share that kind of thing with her. Her basic principle seems to be the less I know the more apt I am not to get in trouble with anyone. So, we say …eh … ok … that clears my mind … as long as I know where she is at … we can honor her wishes. We’ll have to work on it a bit though because we like to talk things over. I would much rather work on developing that kind of relationship with Sr. Hen. I don’t know if it will be allowed after Sr. Tess gets back, but for the time being we’re going to hope on those ideas. It sure be nice if Sr. Tess could turn me over to the new Sr. I could see very much working with her. Oh, and I think the intern is right on track so that she has 24 Qnotes to write or two days more work, AND if that’s what she wants to be doing exclusively. We’re of perfect mind to give her that!
I’m a little curious too I find in that she is doing Masters work in business. I have never found business to be so interesting but the thought that there are psychologists who get involved with business management is kinda cool. She says that I probably don’t think ledgers are as much fun as she … hehehe well here we contradicted her a bit. Told her we have gotten A’s in stats, had started out college as an accounting major (lotsa high school accounting), and that we have entire parts developed into statistical analysis. Basically, the message was that Sister, we appreciate columns! LOL I think the big difference is that we appreciate numbers, but not necessarily numbers that are attached to money and business. We like the numbers involved with psychology and in figuring out how people relate, meet goals, and progress. Hmm, sure be interesting if I could run past her some CARF ideas with the Performance Analysis. I’d like that a whole lot. I’m still not sure if she’s going to try taming my ideas too, but maybe she could get excited by some of our dreams, and if that were possible I would be willing to take in some of her curtailing just to the degree of helping me get everything done in time.
We talked about that a bit too. I let her know that I really did like CARF and we both agreed that it would be a must to get the work done. Just I want my work to make a difference. I’d like to think that I’m smart enough or could learn to be smart enough to put good work in effect, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in Sister Tess’ realm. It will be interesting with Sr. Hen to know if she could get into programming needs or if she could connect us to other sisters who were. Be a whole big deal if I thought I could work into a degree and into program management of all the centers here for the 60 American sisters. Not that I would take over in operation, but in development toward skill building.
Just thinking if I could get into all that, I would definitely consider maybe making some kind of deal where I could turn at least 50% of all income earned back into the Sr.’s work. I think that’s a big deal to Sistering efforts. They are always looking to self-support themselves and to still contribute back into the yet even larger sister program. My understanding is unclear … at first I thought there were only 200 sisters total and 60 of them being in the US, but I thought I heard from this sister that there were 700 Italian Sisters. Really have to clarify that. It seems with Sr. Tess, I can’t get over the part of even getting the entire program down for more than my half the clients … where I’m thinking going through Sr. Hen that I could really involve ourselves as a whole learner practitioner-specialist. I think I would turn more money over to them of Idealistic earnings, but I have set in my mind that I really want to make a lot of money … keep 20% for myself … give 30% (10 per) to each of my sons, and give the other 50% back to the Sisters. I think that could make a really really idealistic life.
Whoops Wonder V is slipping off for a good sleep … we don’t want him to over do it. Need to get him through a couple of surgery’s and more and more and more!
Ok, better try the finances once more … Let’s say that I get to keep everything up to $50,000 and I get a new car with electric seat warmers and a computer, and then we’ll do the 20-30-50% splits! Hehehe … need to cover all grounds! Umm, I am somewhere between wanting a Grand Prix or a Honda Accord. We were explaining it to someone I think that we really do need a car where we can continue playing the game … whose the first one to go forward after the light turns green. I really don’t know why my ten year old Grand Am can beat it off the line more times than not against other vehicles, but I am going to want another car that does at least as good! This split will take away all my worldy worries, I will still remain in my apartment, but I will have more toy money to spend and I will need to have enough to be eventually paying back school loans. That seems to be the most concern I have in life over everything. I don’t want to worry about leaving a huge financial legacy to the boys, but it would be nice for example to earn a $50,000 income, get a bonus of $20,000, send $10,000 immediate money over to the boys, and donate the other $50,000 to the sisters. Yup, yup make me feel real good. AND, I should get to keep my office, though we’d be able to put some of the old records somewhere else. Hehhehe OH and I am going to want a new $1,200 chair for at work and at home! Ok, is that it??? Do we have our dream moneyscape down? Hehehe Eh, it works for the time being.
Whoops more coffee … brb … and for the record? We are off normal time-scales … it’s now a quarter to 12 … *Sigh* But, we’re pretty sure we’re not done writing yet. This is the best we’ve felt for a long long time.
Hmm, just looked around our home. Let’s say we have to hire a maid too … Maybe someone twice weekly for 5 hours each and she’d have to run the clothes to the cleaners. Hehehe we’re pretty sure we want a life where we never leave the computer unless the maid is vacuuming underneath it. Hmm. That means about a maid budget for $5,200 plus she’ll need a birthday/Christmas bonus. Let’s say about $6,000 budget for the maid. Ok, so some of you might think this is us being psychotic again. We’ll have to ask Dr. M. for sure, but we’re feeling at the time being … we could make this happen just so. Yes, $6,000 just fine … $100 per week, $300 for birthday prize and $500 for Christmas gift! WooHOOO … feel like we’re having a fine life! Haven’t felt this good for a long time.
PSHWOO some new news!!!!! Better go get lunch first … been sitting in microwave for a while, but there’s new news from school … hold on brb
Ok, ok … still eating, but we’re back. This is what just happened. We got an email from our professor that is holding our incomplete. She’s agreed to do what it takes so that we can turn it in after our leave of absence. We’ve written her back and thanked her … then we forwarded the messages on to Dr. Marvin, our friend and V. What she’s done was to lift the weight of Gilbralter off of us. Last night before we left work we had finally gotten a call back from the academic advisor, not ours, because temporarily we don’t have one assigned to us, but though a little grumbly, she helped us to get through it. She recommended strongly that we get ahold of our professor, and she told us to fill out some on-line paperwork, and get supporting evidence from our psychiatrist. All of that was initiated last night … We sent through fax release to dr. M. Hmm, did we say this before?? Anyway, he is going to write the letter in the morning, the actual request was sent on and now the professor is doing her part. It seems so unbelievable. We’ve been going months and months downhill thinking we were going to lose all of everything we’d hoped for with school, because we got to the point of knowing that something had to happen with our time with CARF and the contradictory hopes to be dead. We’ve been sooo much deprived of our not being able to talk to Dr. M. that everything is just jumbled in worldly cares that make absolutely no sense to us. I feel worst for our friend and the boys and our friends. It is like why shouldn’t I feel equally up to life in their care as much as Dr. M’s isn’t the worth of my life equally as valid as with them?
But, I think it is different for me. I have a harder time holding things in place when we aren’t here … parts switch. When I’m with one of my kids I don’t want to be much of anywhere different, it’s the same as when we’re with my friend, or V. But, there are other times we’re perfectly fine without these, because we either know they are off having their own life, or we are thinking that they don’t care enough about us anyway, at least, as much as it would take for them to care to be with us. But, with Dr. M. … I think we’re better being able to know we can survive without him, but we’re still fighting the part we want to do life without him. It always boils down to the same thing … We still trust Dr. M. the most and we still believe he is the only one that really talks to us faithfully about ourselves and about what ourselves are interested in no holding back, no lack of understanding or priority, and no lack of willingness to go where ever we go. It is a profound sense of partnership that we have never found with another. I’m feeling that more and more with Jacob, and I’m sure I would with the other boys too, they can do it, it’s just their lives are centered now more on other people than Jacob. I can be very at peace with our friend too. I think he’s shown us the most in outright caring for another, though he’s better at practical things like home, car, and food, where Dr. M. is more toward ambition and life meaning, with the exception that making love with our friend has more direct meaning than most other. But, since I can’t keep him in bed, or even at our home for more than a couple hours a week, then it falls back to my mind has to be led in a direction that holds life meaning. Such as when we dream of what we can do through school and work.
Maybe it comes down to the point … where with Sr. Tess only in charge we lose our sense of life meaning. We are continually trying to outsurvive her anger, have no meaning or purpose in the work tasks we do, and we have no sense of the future that our education and our higher minds could make a difference. All that is very deabilitating.
Oh dear … we’re kinda wound up again. Or, maybe we haven’t stopped since we got up to start writing. I’m looking at the clock now. It states its 1:30 pm. I have to do a reality check, because of its closeness to 2 pm. I’m pretty mixed up on the hours now … K … this is where we are. It would be better to deposit check by 2 pm, but maybe it doesn’t matter on Saturdays because it’s still going to go into Monday’s bank records. I need to do banking because I think I’ve over spent again. I’m not sure when the post office closes … I think it were either 2 pm or 4 pm. Not sure. If I could do it … it would help me with my Grandma thoughts. If I could get out that far, I could get out far enough to do my laundry, which is in pitiful place. But, now I’m not sure if its open … Maybe just open from 4 pm-6 pm. Not between 2 pm-4 pm. That’s really going to mess me up next week and even with our son tomorrow. Or, we could forget about trying to meet all those extremely difficult goals and just breath, write. I’m not so close to even getting in the shower to go out … Can’t go out on weekends with wet hair. Oh Lordy … feel like we’re having a panic attack. Difficulty rating up to a gazillion. I got to think … calm down. My fingers are jabbing at the keys and I’m going to cause them to snap and break off
Ok, trying to think calmly … I called a couple of places. The post office is open until 3 pm and the clothes place is open from 3 pm until 5 pm. That means I should get to the post office by 2:30 pm. Maybe do the banking next and by then the clothes … that gives me an hour for shower and dress and stuff to dry somewhat. BUT, I need money for post office and laundry … Might mean checking my account … will need money for tomorrow with Jacob too. Shoot shoot. Ok, hold on … we can be brave right? Ok, theoretically the bank account says $300. We are going to put in $1,200. That means maybe $5 for post office (small box) and $25 for laundry and about $50 for Jacob … we have gas, but will want to give him a little extra. So let’s say take out $100 … then we’ll just have to figure out whether we keep $20 or give Jacob another $20 … we’re so soft where he is concerned. BUT, if we go to the bank, they might say we’ve already spent the money … better plan on going to the cash station first. Try taking out $100. And, then plan from there. Already 1:45 pm and we need to take a shower, gather clothes and find one outfit we don’t clean … Oh man! This is sooo hard.
Ok, ok … we’re going to stop writing for a moment … Maybe do a quick post … we’ll leave only the picture of our new super duper camcorder that’s come in … Not all the parts mind you, but some … We still have to go through that and we have to go through work stuff, oh mannnn too hard, too hard. Don’t think we can do this. We’re not ready to step away from computer. We need our time off … Maybe this is why people aren’t supposed to work until 8 pm. Damm. We need an extra hour.
Ok, let’s calm down here. We’ve written 12 pages … Would think that be enough?? NOOOOOO.
Shhhhh. We can think, we can think. I don’t think we can do it. Too much confusion … we don’t even know at this point where the post office is … just know its on the other side of town. We’re thinking on Prairie street. Hmm, would mean putting the PDA on … we haven’t been doing that yet. But, all that would take like an hour to an hour and a half. I think we should plan to go out later. Maybe late taking a shower and going out only as far as maybe checking money and maybe getting to do clothes before 5 pm and then also going out to do bank before 8 pm. The only thing that wouldn’t get done then is our Grandma’s package. We thought we’d progressed it by getting it into the box. But, maybe we could call her anyway tonight and just let her know we’re trying to get it in the mail??? Ok, ok … let’s go with that plan.
It’s almost 2 pm now. Our fingers are getting sore, but we’re pretty much ok still on that account. Let’s make then our next shower goal at 3 pm (in an hour) and then our go outside goal at 4 pm (hour before laundry closes), and while we’re out we’ll stop by for money. Just not sure whether or not to go to bank or quick store. The problem there seems to be even thought we have $300 it says on computer bank, we’re not sure if the auto payment money went out which would have over drawn us. We can hold up on not getting our clothes out til our friend gets back, but then nothing to where to work on Monday, OR take our son out to dinner. Maybe it’s a good thing not to take him out???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO that not be a good thing! But, if we don’t have money should we go to laundry and out to son’s? But, there’s a pretty good chance there won’t be money. So, then why are you even thinking about it??? Hmm, got a point. We’ve seen it before where the computer says we have money, but the bank says no. Whether or not we can take money out … we still probly should put some more money in. But, I don’t want to put all my clothes in a wrinkly bag and bring it downstairs if we can’t clean our clothes! We don’t want to hold clothes back, cuz that means they aren’t getting REALLY clean! Hmm, what about those clothes you don’t really wear any more?? I’m not sure if we’d fit into the jean shorts anymore. Maybe it be worth a try?? I know. Means it’s just 2 pm and we have to take a shower and we don’t want to.
Hmmm? What would Grandma say about that? Rich? V? Dr. M? Jacob? Kitties?
Man. No fair, no fair!
Umm see you in a couple minutes.
posted by Ann Marie @ 9/16/2006 02:06:00 PM
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