Ayn's Multiple World

So proud of being a Mom

Good Afternoon. This is me. It’s almost 2 pm and we’ve decided to take a break. We’ve been working very hard from home today. It’s the day after Christmas and we haven’t written since the 23rd. That was the first day of our vacation, because we’d decided to stay home. That was Tuesday and now is Friday.

I talked to Sweetie Pie about an hour ago. He was on his way from work to meet up with his friend. They were going to play cards – to be exact poker. I was really fine with that especially because I got to spend all day with him yesterday on Christmas. This is still a new ideal to us and it leaves us feeling pretty excited. We did talk to a few other people as well. We said Merry Christmas to Maury and Joe, but not Thom. We’d left all three a note on their phones and the first two called back. Neither of the calls was for more than a few moments, but it was nice to have touched base.

We also talked to my mother and sister. Those turned out to be nice calls and we made them about 9 am so we knew people would be up, but not overly involved in their days or moods yet. We might go more into that later, but now we’re still in the brief summary mode. Like what in the h*ll have we done over the last 3-4 days?

I think we can skip worrying about Tuesday for the time being because I’m thinking maybe we have already written that out. Let’s just skim to the bottom of the entry and check that out. Ahh, we showed you the front and back covers to the book, talked about the layout, talked about FedEx-Kinko, showed you some snowy pictures of our storm, talked some more about the book, took a few more peek looks at the new house and discussed our eating out and doing errands with Sweetie, considered taking a vacation away from home, and went over a few Christmas notes.

That’s it our summary of the last entry. There’s a lot in it and/or just a little.

We were pretty impressed that it is true, we’ve barely left the subject of book writing – or more fairly book editing. We DID go to Rich’s mothers house and were away from our house for 6 ½ hours, so there will be that, but let’s talk about the book a bit first. That is again what has taken all our time today – that which isn’t spent listening in the background to CNN.

Man-o-man … you couldn’t have a much happier camper. Most of what has kept us going farther in collecting and editing chapters is that we’ve played around with formats and we’ve found ourselves happily engaged in a product that we like very much. As to a total progress report, we’ve finalized the first 218 pages, we are in the middle of editing the next 50 pages, and after those are done – the month of June 2004, we are going to add July and August and then that will be the end of Ayn’s Multiple World: Book 1.

I don’t think Kinko’s is really open on Sunday, but we’d like to have it in the works by then if not then by Monday. We think we’re going to try finishing up the June chapter today and then complete most of the last two chapters tomorrow. We’ve found we cannot really go through more than two chapters a day … and those are days where we are working hard to finish. It’s a little tedious, but not entirely unwelcomed. I do like finding out what we had written about it is a process of rediscovery. But, there is the work-work part about it. The first task is to copy over a month’s worth of work from the Blogger edit pages, and then we reformat it a little in Word, just to make things consistent and then we go through the entire thing 50-90 pages just looking for the red and green squiggly lines. After that is done, then we go through the entire month just reading for content. We want to make sure things are accurate and sound correct, and to understand the general idea of the month. We never did that while we were writing, so it really is a surprise to find out how things turn out.

Last month there were things about work – trying to get things accomplished, but there was also a good-size concentration on the upcoming surgery or better well-health. That was all a brand new concept which seemed to start from preparing for the hernia operation and looking over our shoulder at being over-weight, out of shape, being a smoker and having over-zealous medical problems. The few months before, we’d just gone through state and CARF evaluations and so there seems to have been a sense of reprieve in looking more toward ourselves than in all of that.

I think it had concerned us that we weren’t getting clean readings on our heart. We seemed to take this in an angry manner. Part of that was having a small bleep in our suicidal ideations. I know that other things are coming up, like this month of June is starting to be a preparation for the AOL Journal First Year Anniversary. It happened in Beta during July and out for the general population about the end of August. I came on board just a couple of days after they’d put it out there.

We will say something during this chapter about the First Year Hall of Fame that I’d designed and received help with in putting it all together. I still have that Journal … it’s about 424 entries, but I think most of the pictures in it have decayed through loss of journals or in losing the picture context. There used to be something or another where we’d put our pictures into another AOL devises, and they are now shutting that down. The pictures didn’t seem to transfer over to Blogger, but at least this other stuff did. I think if it’s not too long, I would like the second book to go from August 2004 to November 2005 when we went over to Blogger, but I think that is going to be too much for one book. I would be happy to get just to August again in 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, but I know that’s one hell of a lot of work.

It would be more if we included in their own separate books materials on our education and then the spare stuff like the Hall of Fame Journal. The main part though of course, is just getting done the next 5 years of writing and then on to the 6th. During ONE and ONLY ONE page … a picture transferred over. It was a picture of our bookshelves – just one that came from the catalogue. I don’t know when we’re going to get regular pictures again through the blogs, although there is a certainty of getting them by at least November 2005 when we started writing to Blogger directly. It will be a big change. I’m really sorry we don’t have the other pictures, but it has kept things moving along.

When we first started using the picture feature in the AOL journals it was set-up to be taking a stack of pictures like in an album. I didn’t think systems were going to be so sophisticated to move them over. I’m not sure, but then there was a change I believe after the first year, but they started another way of doing pictures where you could leave them out on the page one under another so that you could scroll down to see a group rather than clicking from one to another in back of each other.

I peered ahead just a few moments ago and I realized we were about at the entry where we were planning on going to the “Journalist’s Ball.” We were one who had gone through catalogues and gathered pictures of our dress and accessories and had posted them to our site. It was pretty silly back then – the community that is.

This first year – up until CARF was over I paid attention to other journalists, but they didn’t overcome my writing efforts which continued to be based more in our psychology or our being able to work productively at the center. I was sorry all those pictures are missing like the one’s for the formal ball.

Hopefully, in the journal I will find myself recalling how much fun that had been and how Vince had danced with many women and served liqueur to all. He was such a well-known gentleman at the time. I won’t go too far into that because I’ve found along the way that most people don’t like being written about, but I would like to say I miss the days where we’d meet up in the early morning before work and talk in IMs. He of course being from Philadelphia and me Chicago. There had been back then a few phone calls, but that didn’t seem to pan out. We also had taken a couple trips together on-line we were silly, but had some good fun. I had enjoyed very much talking over events of J-land with him. But, that was then and now is now.

Just this editing work is making me feel a little nostalgic. So much time has gone on from then and now.

I’m hoping that the boys are going to appreciate the first book. None of them know I’m doing this for them this year. I will probably send a few more copies out through emailing a copy of the word document – at least one to Vince. I’m not ready to pass them out to extended family or obviously anyone from work. I realize over time I’ve had some really good computer friends. I think I could still go back and find a few who I remain very loosely tied too, but it was most likely me in the first place who put a separation of time in our relationships.

Maybe one of the biggest reasons for this was that I found myself unable to visit other journals and blogs, because so much of my time was in writing what I was writing about my own life. It was unreasonable of me to think back in those days that anyone would really want to keep up with the very long entries. Most people were writing one or two pages where I could go up to 30 or more. Deb stayed with us quite a while and of course Vince. Now I think it is only Vince and it’s not always every day. This makes me feel a little sad, but doesn’t change the nature of what I am doing, writing, or thinking about. I know that it takes effort to develop good relationships and that takes time which I didn’t seem to have. Maybe this will be found to be one of my life’s biggest disappointments, but most likely not.

I’m not sure of how my values on relationships have changed over the years. I was heartbroken not to communicate with Vince who was and still is my best friend on-line, but I also knew that my VERY best friend is and always has been Rich. Rich seems to be able to do quite a few friends or even strangers as relationships. I just can’t seem to go there. Reading over the first book, I took note that even the few friends I started with that first year didn’t remain in friendship loops past the first months of writing. I think I’m the kind of person that let’s go of relationships, because they leave me feeling more empty than not. My mind seems to go in other directions and I tire of the common. I think I’m very common, but even with me I find myself looking forward to meeting the next better version of me.

As much as I’ve spoken over the years particularly at work I’m very disqualifying.

I note in sometimes even in my relationship to Rich. I love the periods where we get to talk and interact, but I wouldn’t be able to tolerate these without breaks.

By taking a break I mean to do what I’m doing exactly now - writing about my thoughts. This is where I continue to feel most at home. I feel so extremely honored to know Rich and to care about him and have him care about me, but I also value my time alone and in reaching out to an unknown audience who I hope will one day find me of interest.

I don’t hang around writer’s enough to understand why people do it. I have heard some of it is to claim a small ground in history, or to have some set purpose often where one is helping another. When I think like this, I could see my writing be more valuable to a medical or psychology student than anyone else. I think someone on that order could read about how I think and pattern my thoughts that might be found to help in understanding people with multiplicity. But, too I think that what and how I think could help regular people … not just in understanding multiples, but in the many different ways and means we each communicate with our selves. The people who would have the easiest time would be the ones who believe in inner children. Wow … it’s been a long time since we’ve thought of all that.

I privately hope that one day people could read me and want to follow along the general course of my ongoing conversation. I’d like people to follow along the words without getting turned-off or confused by our many obsessions and oddities.

I’d like people to think one day that if they had been around and connected to me that we could make a difference in each other’s lives.

I have to admit recently while going through the editing; I have dreams of succeeding enough past just the more simple rationality of somehow writing affording me the purchase of my own home. I would like to think that by the time the 2008 work is published that I will be well down the road and in the process starting to relate more to an audience that could talk back and forth with me, most likely through a blog or website. I’d like to get to know people who had taken some interest … just like with the AOL journals especially – how people came by to comment, ask questions or to inspire further contact and communication.

There’s a part of me that’s always looking for my next friendship. I want to meet others that think a little more than just the everyday in and out subjects such as driving kids or making dinners. Please don’t take me wrong. These are admirable skills and details of real life. But, perhaps because these things don’t interest me personally, I let relationships that deal with these kinds of turns – fade away.

I think Rich is very different from all this because even though he may talk of picking up kids or making dinner it’s because I’m invested in his life and the way he turns out. I think to do this right you need an awful lot of time to spare.

I’ve always been impressed with meeting people for brief moments of time. Time long enough to say hi, who are you, and then I’ll see you down the line. Oh by the way, “I love you!”

Something came up in a discussion with Thom the other day. He’d related a story about someone he knew who had an almost intimate relationship with his mother.

There have been times I’ve wished very hard for a closer relationship to my kids, but then again I don’t find myself actively trying to make that happen. I don’t have needs to know all the little details of my kids’ lives and I don’t think they are really interested in all my life’s details. I have no doubt though that they love me as I love them. Just I think it’s more normal in life to be involved with people of your similar age and life ranking. I’m not saying something real firm here, because I know it’s legitimate to be interested in what’s happening to your kids, it’s just that they don’t do things that I see as affecting my day to day life.

It would be different if one of them or more were to again once live with us. I hope that our culture survives in-tact and children and parents aren’t required by necessity to live together. I hope one day to live again with someone, but as long as I am able or Rich and I are able, I’ll want to live that set of relationships and let my boys carry on with their direct loves of life. I would be honored if I could help them out in some way, but they are probably much more able than even I. I wouldn’t want to confuse their situation much more than I generally do and with this I let out a *giggle*. I know that they consider me a little strange, but then they probably are a little proud I’m different than most also. I feel bad I never was the type to want to cradle them in cookies, but I know they’ve found others or found it within themselves to give and take.

There is a part of me that hopes not only are the books successful for me and Rich – I.e. HOME! But, I also want to give to the boys and to the center. I would love also if Dr. Marvin would use my situation to one day write a book. I would hope he become famous in his own right and from his own point of view. But, I think Dr. Marvin is a little lazy in publishing or at least in carving out the kind of time that would take. I have a picture more of him in developing a life with his partner that is very nurturing and complete. STILL I would definitely read him if he wrote about me or other. There’s no doubt in my mind I think of being a brilliant soul.

The part of me that I’m talking about now wants to provide some financial security to the boys so they have nice things in their life and feelings of more control in finding their destinies. I learned a lot from my relationship with Mrs. Garvey long ago, some of which I liked and some of which I didn’t. I thought when we were married to her son she showed parts of herself that had felt generous to me. She could give out $500-$1000 or more according to needs. Like when my husband needed a van for work, she wrote out a check. I’ve seen her do similar with other kids in bailing them out or investing in them for one thing or another.

But, beside these few instances – it obviously changed as Maury and I grew apart, and I’ve noticed it changed in the relationships she hold with the boys. She’s a much more distanced grandmother now than she had been back in the day. She’s withdrawn from them to her home in Florida which apparently is where she’s most comfortable. I don’t know when she’s in town – River Forest compared to when she’s out, but then again beside the affect she has on my sons I’m not overly interested.

I would want her to be well, just have no real needs for her.

There is something really different though in us. I think she has a higher need to protect herself and her level of living that’s comfortable for her rather than in her family. I see her as wise beyond her years and very good at investments, but I think as to her relating to her kids and grandchildren, she more of a investment person or other somewhat more charitable organization. With her there are always catches to the money and causes she is willing or not to support. Being her family is not the reason she puts out money … money is put out to advance her causes.

Hopefully, down the line there is some cause found in having a family.

It’s a funny thought though. I don’t know if any of her family really has an investment in her situation. She’s always been very good at taking care of herself and in this respect she’s more a dominatrix. I hope I’m saying this right … maybe it’s more like being matriarchal. She’s always needed power even with her own family as in being the head of their lives. I guess it would seem she’s pulled back quite a bit in that she chooses more time in taking care of herself than others, but I don’t know what gives her life a sense of purpose. I don’t know if it’s her relationships with children or friends or property or any of a thousand other things. She had things she donated money to when she was younger, so we’re sure she still supports something else … it’s just that there is something missing.

I guess I just don’t see her pushing to be developing relationships. I know she’s big on celebrations and holidays, but what has she done over the course of my kids’ older life to be teaching them about her or letting them teach her about them?

Isn’t there needs to be relating to be somewhere? I don’t know maybe I’m presenting a contradiction. I know in the past its helped to make comparisons to figure out where we are ourselves. The big point I wanted to get to is that I feel I want some comforts in life, but for the most part I feel as a mother my duty is to provide for my children. I want to make life somehow more comfortable to them too.

I guess I see this mostly in even the budgeting of my imagined fortunes. If I were to make $10,000, I would like to equally give Rich, Maury, Thom, Joe and Sr. Theresa $10,000 too. Does this make sense? Can you understand how important these things are? As to Sr. Theresa … for all the ups and downs we’ve gone through I believe her to be of an organization that is very helpful to a group of people I respect and honor as to being someone I could donate and contribute too. This might be somewhat the same as other people having a church or cancer or animal society they would donate too. St. Rose will always be my – the other with or without Sr. If not to her to her other sisters. I think they use money wisely for the benefit of many.

So, basically, I guess I should say and then I’m going to run here because Rich just called to say he’s on his way home – it’s 3:30 pm now and that after my shower we’re going to the fishy store, but on this other hand … I would feel very comfortable to earn 16.7% of my optimal income if Rich, the three boys, and Sr. would also make 16.7% of my income. It doesn’t bother me that they would each earn as much as me, because without them my interests in writing and generating myself through the written word would be worth nothing. My life is these peoples’ lives and what I have is there’s hopefully sooner than later, because I would detest having a life valued only upon my death. I want a home, but other than that … I want my boys and loved ones taken care of. These make sense? Do you see its value? I don’t live for my kids, but because I do live … I want the best for them now. I believe with extra money about … they would choose the best how to finance their next moves. I believe in them.

WooHOO!! I'm back for a few moments. It's after my shower and we're waiting for our hair to dry. Rich is listening to a fishing show in the background with his eyes closed. Uh-huh. I might go back to the editing in a moment, but I wanted to say something else that's post-shower-like. I was just thinking that maybe one of the differences between Mrs. G. and me is that her financial background is handling her husband's money. My history was in trying to support the boys. That's where I left off in their lives. Basically, they went to live with their father before because I couldn't afford to raise them. I'd gone bankrupt and lost the house. I don't want to think I'd give them most the money because of guilt ... just that my value on life was providing a life for them. My motivation was to never just take care of myself. I know this is necessary just I don't want it to be the only goal.

I want to make things easier for Rich in that I afford my own desires - as to living in a nice house, but I want him to have his own money so he can figure out what his priorities are too. If he could retire from his portion that be the optimal situation. I think if I had the money, I would prefer to have the house in my name, but I wouldn't argue against him if he saw a better way. It gets a little different worrying about his kids. I guess I feel that the three boys get half of my income and then the other half I feel comfortable dividing it in thirds with Rich and Sr. as to Rich's kids I'd say that he can give to his kids of his income. I don't mean to be mean or nothing it's just that if we owned a house together they would get as much as my boys, but Rich hasn't done anything to give money to my kids I would expect that to hold with his kids.

I *giggle* with the thoughts that Rich has always made it clear that he could be a kept person. Playing here, but we would like to take pressure of him working. I'd like to him to live a fishy-traveling life. I was thinking also in the shower if he WERE going to work, maybe we'd have to get a small loft in Chicago so he doesn't have to come ALL the way home. No kept other women though! I would like it so that he have his own bachelor quarter in town and he would invite me to share the night with him. I wouldn't like him to stay there all or even most of the time ... just those nights he was too tired to drive. That would resolve the point of me getting a house so far out in the western suburbs.

I've thought about that some more too. The part of what it feels like to be in that neighborhood - the one in Oswego. I like the part that it feels to me now like possibly the suburbs did to my parents. The emphasis is moving away from the city, but still to have it close for important things like entertainment or center of civilization. There's always a little sparkle being in the city and I know Rich has always been interested in having something over the lake. If we are going to be rich we might as well do that too. Ok, ok ... maybe we have to now be readier to get rich. Just saying ...

Hmm, we're going to have to elevate our goals. Not only is $300,000 not enough now we want $400,000 for the updates, $100,000 for the furnishings AND Rich has to pay out of his money for the place in Chicago. I've worked our way up so that we have to now earn 3 MILLION dollars. Pshwoo. Mega-bucks. We're going to need doing something to make our life that much more interesting. And, if your're hear reading and ConTRIBUTING do that lifestyle ... thank you very much and come back soon. It's just going to get better! :)

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/26/2008 03:24:00 PM Comments: 0