Ayn's Multiple World

Did I Hear You're Still a little Grumbly - fence-sitting at it's Best

Good morning, good morning it is me! We are getting a real late start though it’s already 10:15 am. CNN is on naturally in the background and Rich has left for work. He left about 8:30 am. He had a real nice slow getting up morning. He was going through his email on the computer in front of a fishy show when we got up. We’d gone to bed with him last night, but had woken up some time for about 30-45 minutes and then we fell back to sleep on the couch and slept until about 7:30 am.

I really liked waking up and finding him so close to us. He was being quiet so we wouldn’t wake up.

Last night after we finished writing, we’d gone to lie down on the couch. We were tucked under the covers and again I think we had fallen asleep. Maybe we’d been awake just before he sat down. I just remember the part of us watching CNN and when he wanted to turn it to another show, we gave him some trouble. His argument was that we had been watching it all along and it was his turn and our argument was that we’d just finally gotten up to Anderson Cooper and that it was unfair that whenever he came in we had to switch the channel.

I’m not saying either argument was better or not than the other, but the point was in the end as being I wasn’t going to make him watch something he didn’t want to watch. I said he could change it, but we were grouchy. He changed it to a fishy show. We handled that for a few moments, but then we got up and went to the computer. Our thought was that if we were going to turn off my show, he should have at least picked something we were more equally interested in. I didn’t stay long at the computer though. I had been lying down and I figured hmm, CNN is on his bedroom TV, I could watch that and lay down at the same time.

I know that he would eventually figure out we weren’t in the room with him, but I didn’t know how else to do it. We’ve got to be able to have SOME separation. I wasn’t moving to get him frustrated; I just would rather be lying down and listening to CNN. He might have stayed out in the living room for about 10 minutes, but then I guess he’d turned off the TV and went through the process of getting in bed with us. I felt bad, because I knew he didn’t want to watch that show and we didn’t want him to make us feel guilty, but we already were. Then he did something very sneaky. He rolled over on his tummy in his going to get a back rub mode and we just looked at him and said that wasn’t fair!

But, he was low-key and truth be told we almost always look forward to opportunities to be touching him. We checked in with his feelings and it seemed he was ok. He was just being drifty in a nice space. It’s really hard to be frustrated with someone when you are rubbing his back AND we were getting to listen to Anderson. He had on his co-host of the New Year’s celebration Cathy something I think. They were very funny together. Oh … that was convenient, they just said on TV her name is Cathy Griffin. I remember something about the chatter of always having her First Amendment lawyers. I gathered from their spot last night that she talks of others – ripping them as standard fair. I thought it was so funny she said she wasn’t putting up with Lou Dobbs and then she sort of groaned. I though AHA! That’s my girl!

She was very quick-witted and Anderson Cooper has such a wonderful demeanor and natural laugh. It was just a joy. I made sure Rich knew that out of all the goals for New Year’s Eve we would want to be watching Anderson’s special 2 hours up to the New Years. WOOHOO!!! It took Rich a few moments to get over it, but can’t do much more than that. To be fair though, I should give him options all the way up to that to be watching TV. I think he’s getting home about 4:00 pm tonight and we’re supposed to go out to the small Italian place. That will be nice, but I forewarned him that I would want to be talking about the next year and other future goals. He let me know that our views were contradictory and I wouldn’t want him to bring us down. Just thinking of it now - it seems that we should talk about the different views so that we can be working on combining them somewhere down the line. BUT, he’s right in that I don’t want to hear him start off cold … that he wants only a shack of a house, because he’s going fishing with all his free time. I think he’s then tormenting me.

Well, you gotta imagine we didn’t seem too frustrated with each other, because it was one of those “happy” nights. Pswhoo - our babe is hot!

There was this one bad part though in that I’d discovered he’d brought home leftovers. There was a little play as to whether they were mine or his. He had felt real good for not eating his entire dinner, but it was already 4-5 hours since I had eaten, and I know that usually Rich gives me the left-over. I think its part of him not liking left-over as much as me, but also because he might feel a little guilty for going out to eat so much without me. Either way … we did get the left-over and I felt bad, because I should have had less of it than I had. *Sigh*.

There has been some more time too between last night and this morning for skimming over pages in the book. I am very pleased that the print came out as well as it did. It seems easy to read and the quality of the printing is very good. It’s not faded or anything. It’s nice and clear. For the record, we used Cambria 10 pitch.

Because it’s double columns it seems just that much easier to read. Again, we’re going to want to start on the next book right away. Well, actually after we get some writing done, but pretty soon.

As to regular details though of what’s been happening, I don’t think I have anything else to be writing about. I’ve covered my bases. There are a few uncomfortable thoughts about doing bills and going back to work, but since I don’t HAVE to do those … we can let those thoughts go again. I am worried because I should have had a staffing on the newest person before we left and I didn’t. She came on December 1rst, so is due by January 1rst, but obviously we weren’t up to that point before the break and now coming back we’re going to have past the date. I should have had it before, but there is nothing I can do about that now. It’s best not to worry about it. I will take care of it first thing on Monday morning and there is now CSO people involved because she didn’t get that acceptance and financing yet, it’s just that when the state inspection people come they usually ask for the newest person and if they do … she won’t have been ready. Ok, you … nothing to do … let’s remain at a not petrified view, k?

Vacations always go by too quick.

Tomorrow is the big deal with the boys and I’m really looking forward to it. Rich won’t be there because he’ll be with his mother and Chris and Chris’ girl Christy.

I think he’s looking forward to that, but he was a little sad today because now both his other son and daughter have gone home. As we’d mentioned before they had a chance to go out last night, but he didn’t say too much about it. I think he gets sad when Jillian has to go home again. I know he’d like her to live here, but that seems very far-fetched. He’s handling it, just always Rich is the protective person. Things feel safer when he can come in to help out when necessary.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I did talk to my mother and sister on Christmas morning. I called from the house before leaving. There’s not too much to say about that either. They were both nice calls and I felt bad for my mother because she was sad her mother wasn’t there. It’s the first Christmas without her. I think we already mentioned she’d called while we were at the fishy store and that was a nice thing. She usually doesn’t call for anything unless there’s something startling that happened. She had just called because she’d heard about our bad weather. I think we’d be a lot more relaxed if she did that more frequently. It puts a lot of pressure on me to be the only one making the calls. It was the same with my grandmother and my sister.

I think there was a time we weren’t in the place where we wanted to receive calls, but I’ve tried to relax those standards over the last year or so. We’ll have to give it time. I wish I were better at calling people, but I get so engaged in work or the writing that I don’t think of much else. I feel the same in not calling Alexis. I worry about her and now it’s been about 3 times calling Thom where he hasn’t called me back. I think he’s coming in today, so we’re really hoping to see him tomorrow with the other kids, but it just hasn’t come together yet. We’re trying.

Hmm, Dr. Marvin said something last night about the writing. I don’t know how one thing leads to another, but he had made a comment something like we our writing was super-personal. I thought that was a strange sentence, so I asked him to explain.

He said a lot of people write about things that are personal, like they say what has happened to them, but we write as we are thinking which brings it that much more personal.

I should think of that for a moment, because it’s come back to me a few times as something important. At first impression, I thought of it as being a good thing. I think writing directly from thoughts although I hadn’t thought of this as something real different is really the most honest way to write your life story. I can still edit things out I don’t want to convey, but for the most part whether people take me to be a good character or not, it is really from our gut-level of being. What we write and how we write about it is really the way we think and are. I wish there were some ways of getting through life without writing what comes out as negative about others, but this wouldn’t be real.

It’s hear I think of Cathy Griffin’s First Amendment lawyers and I think I’m going to need one before things are done.

Dr. Marvin had something for me too after we sat down. He had printed out a book from Amazon where the writer had done the same thing as we had. The book was advertised as being unedited and telling of the story of the multiple’s life and that with her psychologist. There was positive and negative too that. I liked the idea that there really might be a market for it, but then too there’s the feeling that maybe someone jumped you to the punch-line, and that because the story and others’ have already been told, that maybe our own story wasn’t going to be as significant.

I think the next thoughts were a bit competitive. We saw that the author was asking almost $30 for her book, and we wondered what was making it so expensive. That’s about when we realized that it had just been put out in October, but in truth, the book was only about 84 pages. That felt almost insulting to us … like how could anyone tell a real story in so few pages. I wondered then if the book was more a picture book – there was a reflection of something like that as a cover page. But, I didn’t read anything about pictures. That would have been the only reason I thought such a short story to be told is if they were covering expensive color copies.

When we got home we thought to look up the ladies publisher, and then we discovered that she had self-published. That seemed to break the competitive feelings we were having. Our goal would be to be published by someone, but we don’t know how that’s going to work down the line. Again, we are going to put off our publishing thoughts until after we pick up the books on Monday from work. But, it was an interesting impression on Dr. Marvin. He said if this lady could do it, then our work had a better chance of being published. We asked him about talking of things at work and how that would work out, but at the time he wasn’t thinking it was a problem. The first year we didn’t mention the name of the center or people directly. We never mention clients’ names, but we do start to use real names later down the line.

Maybe this is something that is going to have to be changed, but then again I know there are other autobiographies where people talk about others they know.

I do spend time thinking if anyone knew my thoughts toward them; they will most likely never talk to me again if they read anything negative about themselves. I know we’ve said negative things about Sr. the other Q and the DSPs. Sometimes I think we have an era of superiority in that we think our thoughts and our way of doing things are better than others. I don’t think this has to be the case, because there are many things sister has done contrary to the way we thought of it, and we find her ways often to be workable. But, I don’t think it discounts the thoughts at the time that we are having opinions that are naturally different because they are coming from our perspectives.

I think on the surface though we are a little dishonest because there are things we wouldn’t tell a person directly that we do tell in our writing. I think one day we’ll be judged on this, and I hope all the judgments aren’t negative. I think if everyone were honest with their thoughts and feelings, more of these expressions would happen. I don’t think it’s good for peacekeeping, but it is an interesting issue. I think a few movies have been done where the star says everything truthfully what he’s actually thinking about – even if it disgruntles his audience.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

I would like to think the majority of my thoughts are positive and often I explain why I’m thinking one way or another. For example, the thought comes to mind the time Sr. was down on me because of the DSPs wanting to consider themselves more professional. I thought … if they wanted to be more professional, why don’t they read or learn things that at this point they seem resistant too. They do seem to want to learn, but they don’t want to put any extra thought into it.

Well of course, this then becomes my opinion. I do have one and I think this is true. Doesn’t seem to make the DSPs look positive though, so we’re left hanging with our thoughts, because expressed through the writing it makes things seem like I’m above them and/or are negative. I usually think of people who I consider to be easier to approach – maybe like a well-versed Priest. He must have ways of keeping people moving on a positive bend without pointing out what seems to be errors in their thinking. I think even though in that situation, the might be more upfront and honest. Funny I’m thinking now of the movie with John Wayne and that red-headed star where Wayne chooses her for his wife and they get in a big knock-down draining fight all across the Irish countryside. Thing is there were both a Catholic priest and a Presbyterian Minister and people in these kinds of roles are often depended on for stating the obvious honest situation.

I’m not comparing myself to be as intelligent as one of them; I would like to say though that I respect the point of view where they are trying to bring things around to a “right” path. I wish I had more confidence in my right path, but I think anyone that has read me to this point would know that I do some things to cover or avoid work. I think also I do things to make me feel somehow stronger or better.

Maybe this is a fault of the way I was raised. I don’t want to step out of responsibility, it’s just that I need to somehow justify why I can get by writing thoughts that I know would insult others.

I think if they were given the same task of writing as I am taking, they would do the same thing. This doesn’t make it right or wrong and in general brings to the forefront subjects such as little white lies. Like when I’m angry at Sister and I think she’s insulted me – the thing I do is to not say much of anything. I try to walk away. This would be a white lie in that I’m not being honest with her. I’m not in a position face-to-face to tell her you are making me very angry. I do however come home and often write out my feelings or thoughts or I talk to Dr. Marvin about it. Is this fair? I don’t know. At one point, Sr. challenged me on not being more objective in what I say to my therapist. It was after he told me that it was his impression that I might want to start looking for another job. We felt again insulted in the thought that she would expect me to be promoting her own view rather than my view when with my therapist. I do try to be objective and get in both view points, but why would I assume her point of view to be correct when I hold contradictory views.

Maybe this is part of being a nun AND a boss though to think your way IS the only way. I think no matter what the cause it is wrong thinking. I know I’ve also had problems over the years in her thinking that she can be so critical of us, but that we are expected not to say anything negative back. She doesn’t want to argue out points. She means for things to work HER way with no room for discussion. I think being in this kind of relationship offers built-in negatives. She can’t tolerate being wrong, but she expects us to be ok with us being wrong as often as she sees fit. For example, it is wrong in her viewpoint for us to wear pants at work or let our hair down. Things like this are just her viewpoint. There shouldn’t be a rule that I’m going to be scoffed if I don’t wear a barrette. I don’t wear these things at home.

I do want to look nice, but I remember the one time I cut my hair – about the time Sandy had died, she stated clearly she didn’t like the cut. I’ve never gotten a hair cut since that. I can’t blame this all on her, but point is there has to be some out-letting of frustration when you’re not given an option of confronting the situation directly. I couldn’t tell her I don’t care if you like my hair cut. It makes her furious to be confronted.

Hmm, I think this is about all I want to say on this for the present. I feel now that I’m having work thoughts and they are negative and I don’t really want to be doing that. It helps in building my resistances about wanting to work. I do feel I have a lot in stake in that I feel desperate to be moving on in my career.

I have been thinking well if I weren’t working than how interesting would my writing be. But that thought didn’t lie long before I was thinking about all the interesting things I could be reading that would help me become and write as a better person. You know that I would first pick up the material on self-determination and self-regulation along with self-object psychology. I don’t know if I wouldn’t go back to school too. If I didn’t have to worry so much about crowding in my time, I might really be in good shape to continue the education. I do like studying psychology, but I wouldn’t want to be expected to practice it other than volunteer work and writing. I like writing about how my minds process and think about things. I think life-experiences come often and you can apply new mind-sets to everything you do.

Like no-one had to teach me in particular, but when I went to the zoo this week, I naturally for me acted differently than some of the younger adults who’d obviously been drinking. By this I mean they were laughing loudly, acting boisterously and holding a beer. Through my whole process of rising myself – I’ve come to conclusions I prefer one behavioral style over another. I am a lot quieter and don’t drink in public. I don’t see any problem in putting great author’s in front of me and then comparing how I in actuality work their thinking into my own. Maybe some of the great thinkers were great drinkers – I don’t mean to strike a moral code here, it’s just that I’d like the perspective of being a more profound thinker and then from that perspective looking at my world and saying so now then what am I going to do about that!?

So that’s enough of that here. I figure I have about ½ hour more of writing. I had given myself a time period up to noon. I can always break that and I might, but I too have to justify some of my bending your ear for some purpose. Hehehe ok, that’s a problem … I’m not too profound yet. We’re trying!

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/31/2008 11:43:00 AM Comments: 0