Ayn's Multiple World

Making Decisions!

Good morning … It’s me and it’s only 7:18 am. We said good morning to Brandi and Candice and talked to Brandi for a few moments. Both our weights are holding stable … hers at 14 and ours at 9 ours has been for 3 days and we listened to a brief summary of where she was with her baby situation. It’s pretty darn exciting!! But, we need to leave that go for privacy reasons.

As to our diet there are reasons why we’ve stayed the same and thank God haven’t gone up more than we have … well, maybe by decimal numbers, but not much more than that. We had a couple of problems yesterday … the first was when we went up to the washroom once we reached in and grabbed a candy bar still up for sale by Rosa’s office. We had somehow quickly thought we paid $15 and only ate about $12 worth. That’s very dangerous thinking.

We were so guilty feeling, we ate the damn thing while we were still in the bathroom. Someone came and knocked on the door and we told them we were still in there chew harder faster … oh man … why do we do these things? It got worse though. Dr. that other one was right … we were driving home and working it over in our head that Sweetie had called and worried that we’d not have anything to eat – he stopped by the store and said that he’d gotten shrimp. We were not in a situation to discuss what kind of shrimp because of Candice being here. But, the system was figuring it must be that little tiny package of 7or 8 baby shrimp with about as many noodles and watered down sauce. I guess we were getting pretty angry … because we crossed a couple lanes – looking first and pulled into a gas station before getting on an expressway to get a very big Snicker’s bar.

Were not saying that is proper justification, but we are saying this was the thinking process just prior to what happened. We couldn’t overpass it. We didn’t feel we were going to have enough food. Then we made a medium salad to go with dinner – measuring out the dressing and salsa. At least SOME part is sticking. HMPF!

So, with that said … we can definitely say that anger or fear of hunger are both triggers … we made another mistake today in that … we remembered to bring extra V8 – we had run out of that yesterday, but we’d forgotten that we had just a few life savers left … that’s not a good thing. We’ll have to think through that. I think Rich is out of the house by now even though he’s coming this afternoon … He had an 8:30 am meeting. Maybe what we’re going have to do is a lot of water and or ALL the V8 … all 5 would be 150 calories … that’s still better than having ONE candy bar. Ok, girls here’s the rules … we DON’T DO CANDY BARS – ITS NOT IN THE PLAN. PLEASE SUBSTITUTE V8!!!

I think someone is mad because we are out of fudgecycles for like 3-4 days. Oh – that’s right! We brought a diet pudding too – chocolate! That’s for our chocolate craving. That’s acceptable too. We’re going to do this and we’re going to do this together, k? We’re here for you … you don’t have to go through this alone. Just let us in … we’ll help you out, k?

That’s a girl!

Ok, now shhh. It’s going to be ok … time to rest … shhh

We need to think through a few other things here. I think there was another problem, hmm? Was there something else? I think the other problem was the day before. Hopefully, we got that already, because I don’t remember it … it had something to do with veering off on our weight again I think … some reason why we were off. Can’t think of it now. I don’t want to get into the ideology though that we have been over the last few days that it is ok to do one or two bad things a day and that’s ok – like we can get by with that much – because that will put us at a stand-bye or make us start going up again … we really can’t afford that. We want to hit 300 – and For the docs – 295 because of that 5 pound difference … plus 295 competes fairly with Rich’s weight. It seems like the magic number for going into surgery now. Under 300, but originally at 337 is fair.

“Teach your Children” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young … Nice.

Ok, ok … we’re obsessing again. Shhh us!

Why don’t you go get that water … do you want to do the walk?

Deep breath … maybe a little about last night? Probably just a little there.

Hmm, Well you heard about the candy bar part. Oh man like there is nothing left … just zoned out. Ate. Played on the computer. Went out to the kitchen about 7:30-8 pm and looked in the fridge. We found a banana/fudge diet pudding. We needed to take our medicine. We decided to call furry face to tell him he should come home because we were eating his pudding. He said he was playing basketball out in the back parking lot. We said “NO YOU’RE NOT!” But, we peeked out just in case … AND THERE HE WAS!!! That made us very happy.

He had to put down the phone to fill up his hands, but he got smooched real good when he came up. We followed him to his bedroom to watch him get undressed. Then we talked for a few minutes while we took our medicine and ate the pudding. He made hot chocolate – I don’t know if someone told him about the candy bars, but he figured at 120 calories that we shouldn’t have any hot chocolate … we tried hard not to be sad we couldn’t share with him. We told him we’d sit in our chair because we were still cold from work and then we could use our sleepy blanket. There was still about 20-40 minutes before his 9 o’clock show came on. I remember him saying something about his grandfather watching channel 11 – so we were watching that for the in-between time, but I don’t remember what was on … and we know NOTHING about his other show – cuz we never made it past the first few moments of the first.

Rich said this morning that he had to tell us twice to put on the mask. We told him the problem is that we think we might stay up, but then we fall asleep so the mask doesn’t get put on then we have to be told. Basically, it’s like we can change since we know we are going to fall asleep we can put on the mask anyway, but then we miss out on that first few moments of getting to watch the show which we enjoy so much. We asked him if it was a bad thing asking us to wake up for the mask. But, by then he was doing something else and he let the question go. We’ll have to ask him later. If it’s really a problem, then we’ll start putting on the mask right away – cuz, we don’t want to bother him. *Sigh*

We woke up about 20 minutes before the shower, took care of our feet, dressed and gave fuzzy face a 12 minute wake up warning so he could pre-get-up hehehe … by that time we’d packed our bag, taken our medicine gotten our coffee and was ready to eat breakfast when he got there. For a while we just watched how his face shape changed … it was funny … but, we didn’t giggle … much at least. We think it’s kind of funny how he wakes up. He’s like lost in space and we’re so giggly … well at least by that time of the day. We try to eek out conversations from him.

He looked at a brochure of a fishing lodge and that made him happy, but it was the kind that was on the inside that didn’t make it to the outside in a real smile. Sorta like an inner hmpf! Then in a few moments he picked up a plastic bag with bills from his house. It was full. He said … I have to pay bills today. I think that made him a little grouchy. Then he said in a more disgruntled manner something about forgetting he had an 8:30 am meeting. He was startled, because he’d have to get moving faster. We teased him about being in semi-retirement, because he’s been enjoying working from home in the morning in his pjs. Funny Rich. No problem making it though … it was only 6:15 am. He had to just shower and I was leaving him in 5 minutes so his time was clear.

He looked at one loose sheet in the pile before putting it down. There was another “Hmpf” Apparently, he’s finished paying off his wife’s car. I said a little sarcastically, oh I see … You finished paying, so she has the title … he said something about “back off,” but it was said in a teasing gentle mode. Then he said the title is in his name. And I giggled. But, I knew that the car was hers, cuz Rich is like that – the car was meant for her and he’d never take it back. It made me wonder though what he’d do the next time she wanted a car – any kind of car? Would she ever have to be responsible for herself? It’s so different from cold turkey in our divorce … Here is my keys to the house … it’s yours … this is the bills pile … figure it out. Bye.

It’s creepy just to think of those days. Hey then – so, lets’ say we don’t, k? Shhh, let’s not go there, please??

Shhhh

Ok, so maybe touching the money thing isn’t a good idea. But, that’s about it for the morning … We had to get going. Not so sure what we remember from the drive in. Usually, we don’t remember that trip. I think there is a part just at the end trying to make sure that we don’t stop for coffee for fear of it being close to donuts. Maybe we are on some kind of alert because of general and especially because of the candy bars … we hadn’t been stopping of with the money in the glove compartment. We don’t want to go back there where we are using money for anything, but parking and medical co-payments.

Ok, so I think we’re pretty much caught up … It’s 8:18 am. We did see Sr. Theresa on our way in just to say hello – hey boss we’re here. As to the work last night – we did pretty good, but had to stay longer to finish the part we were working on. We’ve been talking listening to Candice. For the record the last hour with her we did both work. I think she was working … that was sort of an agreement. She seems to need someone to talk to about the things going on in her life and like Brandi’s story … we’ll keep that private – just we need to leave the marker that it takes time.

I’m kinda proud of the progress on the Qnotes. It might not sound like a lot, but I feel more eager to get back to them. I finished the last of Candice’s people from March through December for the goal data sheets. They are all set so that I just have to type them straight the way they are into the Qnotes. I’m hoping it won’t take anymore than 2-3 hours straight work. Lot’s of tedious concentration stuff. Then I figured – there is no reason that with 10 clients I shouldn’t be able to complete one month’s work per day from now until Friday and in this manner complete my Qnote work, which would thrill Sister to pieces. Then I would get either the annuals work done or the staff training stuff – both are on the hot list. We’ll have to see. It’s a cat mouse game with the state. I’ll be happy when this pressure is off. But, even at that I feel it only indirectly. Hmm, have to check the files again … Know we have to get out notes for the Medicaid forms and there will be more doctor forms. Ok, definitely work ahead. Really have to come out of the funk.

I’m thinking that as much as I didn’t like it – giving sister that note had to be done. And, it gave her the incentive to come out and scold everyone, because if I’m behind you can better believe the other two are going to be behind and they are. I’m more caught up than the other two. Ok, then what are we going to do there. Let’s make a competitive game at it. I’d like to be perfect by the time they get here … hmm? Let’s get to it. 8:30 am? How about it? Shoo!

posted by Ann Marie @ 1/17/2008 10:31:00 AM Comments: 0