Ayn's Multiple World

First Day ... we'll talk tomorrow

Good morning. This is me. I’m getting a late start this morning … it’s 8:45 am, but that’s mostly because I’M ON VACATION!!! We were up something after 5 and the woke Sweetie pie up at 5:30. We snuggled him to pieces until about 6 am, then we had coffee and cereal with him, but then he took a shower and I was snuggling in his bed space and then we fell asleep … so am just waking up again. We talked to him for a few minutes in the kitchen, because he was just finishing up his report for the fishy-club, but now he has an hour to write another report for work, and then he’ll be going to a meeting. I think he’ll get back before 3:30 pm when we go to see Dr. Marvin, and then he’ll be going to the fishy meeting, so won’t be back until about bed time.

It’s been a nice morning and we love so much our moments to be with him. BUT, yesterday was kinda steamy upset. I don’t know how much I want to get in it. Let me see if I can think out the main points. For us, it was that he said in a meeting with Sr. Theresa that he didn’t think the center needed a program director. Then it seemed after trying to get through that at work, it continued for the half hour on his last leg of the trip home from him being out last night. I had ended and started both times with not wanting to be mad with my Sweetie. When he got to the door, we were waiting to give him a smooch. There was a lot said before, but not much said after, because I don’t think either of us wanted to go there. So, instead there was a little Tom Foolery and then he put us to bed about 10:30 pm.

I think mostly on his part … he sees that we have too many things to work on internally to take on more and that we have to show first our ability to get done with the mundane things. I didn’t tell him, because I didn’t think about it, but we don’t necessarily disagree on that point, but then we were upset so reminded him of all the things he doesn’t get done. We were just frustrated … it felt like do as I say not as I do. We felt angry too because we’ve been going through this needed change in positions for quite some time … most likely about a year now, so we didn’t understand why he couldn’t talk to us about not supporting the position before he went and told Sr. On his defense he says that all along he’s been trying to help us through improvements like when we get upset and don’t go into work. I know there have been those times, but felt we were doing what we needed to be doing to take care of ourselves. He had brought up our disability, but that seems like a two-edged sword. When he needs to … disability has nothing to do with our forecast, but on the other hand, he will use it against our causes. I have no doubt he loves me, but we felt frustrated with the amount of control he was showing over us and our life. Unfortunately, we know that at some times, we are not acting in control, but it doesn’t mean that we want him making decisions. For example, this morning he said that he would go to the zoo with us when it opened at noon and that we would bring sandwiches. I told him I like to write in the morning and that I go to the zoo in the afternoon. He said he was going to be doing something else at that time. I didn’t feel like I had a choice … he had established the plan for us and it was up to me to convert all our thoughts. I’m sure afterward, we will appreciate what he did with us, but for now it feels frustrating because we didn’t have any choice in the matter. And, it doesn’t seem to have that special choice … I would have gone to the zoo – if we were being good – even without him, so him being there is going to be ok, but it’s not like going to a hotel, swimming, and eating out.

That was what I had in mind when we talked about me getting a vacation.

So, anyway at this point it is like spilt milk, because I won’t have any more input into it so like what does it matter. It may or may not come out at Dr. Marvin’s.

That was some of the pressure I’ve been feeling this week, especially as the return trip to Dr. Marvin’s works out. He seems to want to go to deep dark places, and it is frightening to us. We felt a lot of resistance this week, like “We don’t want to see him!” Well, obviously you could tell how well that is going to go over along the general plans. Maybe those are the points that yelled out last week, “Dammit.”

Maybe if we are patient they will be out tonight and then Dr. Marvin can work with them. The secret of Dr. Marvin is that wherever we can go, he can go … we just have to allow ourselves to “go deeper.”

That means not doing the surface talk like going too long into the arguments with Rich. Neither of us want to give up points, and usually in the end he overwhelms us with speech … probably it makes sense, but in the state of mind of not getting our thoughts validated, we just get more upset about anything he is suggesting, just because we are mad and not receptive. In the end, we feel very tired, sad, and hurt. It seems as if he isn’t understanding the need for us to change focus … he’s nowhere near the point of understanding like Sister that the center is not a mecca of education. Rich doesn’t see it, because from his point of view and Sisters – we get credit for being a good agency above the others. Where I rate it as satisfactory, but nowhere near where we would like to see it go. I’m frustrated because until I’m given some time off of the mundane tasks, it is more difficult to study the situation and given some leeway into producing new ideas.

I think what I present will be met with a lot of resistance, and under Sr. Theresa’s leadership will not work, because she just wants to produce at a certain level that’s not so bumpy. She has to worry about getting and losing staff and any change I might produce could make there positions more jeopardized because they say they’re bored, but they really don’t want to work on anything new. That is why I don’t want to rush in and change the program, before I’m given a chance to study it. They are right in that after 3 years of the same kind of teaching … that it is time for something new. Going in it too early would mean that I’m giving them more of the old. When we read the text of the books we are looking at … we know there is a substantial change in the direction we would and should like to go.

Hmm, ok we’re back. We just finished reading and listening to quite a few news stories. The last one we sent to our friend on gigantoraptors. This was a huge dinosaur bird found in inner Mongolia China that was 16 feet tall and 24 feet long.

That’s about as big as a really really nice living room and about two stories high.

You’d want to watch out for that kind of animal – he had no teeth, but a heck of a beak!



Yeeks!

Sorry, didn’t mean to give anyone nightmares. They didn’t emphasize whether that 24 feet were from head to tail or wing to wing. Either or … man we’d just be gobble-up food for him … like going to Wendy’s or tacopeople.

Ok, ok … nough of that girls!

Before that we sent Sweetie Pie an article where the Chicago City Hall is considering an Alderman’s idea of adding a driving tax for Chicago. They are considering it for Chicago’s central business district, but that might lead people to abandoning the city and run counter to measures trying to attract business back to the city. I remember years ago what a big deal it was that Sears was moving out. Just a whole lot of big business’ building up out in the suburbs. It’s very expensive to build in Chicago. I think our route to work is far enough south to avoid the driving tax, but my sons work in central Chicago and so does Rich. Just be a terrible burdon … they are talking like $8 to $16. I’m not sure if that is daily or per month, but I’m thinking they are thinking daily. Yeesh That would then be approximately for a 20 day work month of $160 to $320. There are a whole lot of people who couldn’t handle that. I’m sure it is coming at an opportune time, because of the rapid transit system costing millions of dollars over their operating cost. I look at a city like New York who has a much more advanced transit system, but I’d hate to be forced into something like that … especially with a wheel chair.

Shoot just too major. But, with the price of gas and parking, might someday have to happen. I’d want to know what that kind of money would go towards. It’s happening in London and they are thinking about it in New York.

Maybe they should try to raise a gigantoraptur to eat people … that take care of congestion. But, then again I’m no expert.

Hmm, maybe we read too much today. It just seems a lot going on … people getting shot and all too. 4 more people were found dead next to the expressway we use, and there was a march created by kids through church where they made plywood coffins to represent the 31 kids that died by gunshot this year, and then last night there was one more person added. These are just the kids who die in Chicago. The number is alarming and that’s the point of these kids. Gets to a point where they are scared to go outside. You don’t have to be involved in gangs to get shot.

Man-o-man are we feeling grim. Let’s go on to something that I can handle. I want to be thinking of where I am at and what I can do. And, part of that has to be in rethinking our situation after the rupture of yesterday’s meetings. I think the biggest deal is that we’re going to need using our time better, and we are going to need writing out a grand master plan on our own time, since that time is going to need being consumed in regular Q business like Q notes and annuals. I have to become more quality and efficient driven. I also have to be prepared in that Sister wants to bring 3 more people on board, which means there will be staff training.

She plans to bring one on board to cover the two days missing in Group 4 and she plans to bring one more person to cover group 2 and she plans to have a part time person for the Q’s. I just know that it means Holly is going to get Q assistance on one day and I’ll get the other 2 days, but sister is considering that the Q train with the clients directly so what use I get of the new Q is minimal, although I’ll have to take time to train her. The reason she’s coming in part time is that she is still going to school for certification, which probably means she’ll leave after she completes it.



Ok, this is what we’d done a while ago and what we were trying to do is establish our movement meaning the center’s movement to marrying one concept to another. The outside concept had to do with the domains where the inside concept had to do with objectives. We were willing to say the domains were the framework and the framework was within the objectives. Now … just learning from yesterday we need to put order into this. This means learning from the books we’ve pointed out as wanting. We sent by email to sister this list.

Dear Rich,

We would like to discuss the program director position with you because you appear to be having an immediate affect of this concern. I have been thinking for over a year now that this position to be of utmost value to both the center and me. I would like the time and direction of following this cause and attaching it to my purpose of learning. I believe that you don't have an understanding of what I am trying to do. I don't even have a full understanding of my potential or the potential of St. Rose. I know that I am smart enough to achieve higher degrees of satisfaction for both. I would like to be more purposeful and effective in executing professional goals. The center has maintained its general format for the last 7-8 years. I believe I can jump its purpose by the opportunity to put to use my best effort by utilizing knowledge that is available to us.

Sister has stated this week that the DSPs are bored with where we are at. I would agree that things need to change. What I would hope they could learn is that both them and I need to make changes. They too must learn to accept responsibility. I don't think change comes naturally for them. They are more resistant and not as exerting as I am, though I hold a believe I can bridge this gap with the help of Sr. Theresa. At this point I have direction through available materials and am arguing for the opportunity to direct the program in due course. I need to make this my chief concern. In not conveying our thoughts to you on our business and educational goals, I feel that you've exerted an attempt to cut us off from being of more value to the agency than we are at this time by holding us to a common Q position. We believe we have past exceeded this position, and thus do not hold excitement over this position as it stands.

Part of the problem is that although we've talked about a program director position, we've not been able to study it until now. The first part was to get through last year's annuals, and then through the state inspection, and then more importantly through the CARF inspection. I tried to listen to your arguments yesterday, and I admit to only catching some of it because of the nature of how we were each arguing our points. The emotional zest of each and loudness over-toned our ability to continue; the noise felt like a threat to our system and we had to discontinue - not because you didn't make sense, but that we are not as strong in arguing our points and needs. You are able to be the better arguer and better at putting us in a less argumentative place by mental acuity. I happen to be a better writer than arguer, thus this correspondence. It seemed in your arguing that you saw to hold us in a Q position, because we were not yet in control of daily processes or procedures ... put blankely, we still lose some productive time in our days and weeks. Where we differ is that your thinking is that you wanted to back us up, which we felt was taking us under, we wanted to be moving forward and figuring out that which would take us and the center over the limitations it now faces.

I think this was done in part to cement your role as leader in the center's progress because your business sensibility is that much stronger and more knowledgeable. But, what we are offering the center is what is new in learning and education. The direction of workshops as you know from your work with JVS has limitations, because the direction is to integrate people with DD out in the community, so that workshops only have a stepping-stone importance. The program at St. Rose is more than that. In reality the workshop at present point is only approximately 25% of the program. I appreciate your knowledge because you get around to city-wide to agencies and know where they are at. I am sure that in relation to other workshop type centers, St. Rose is considered highly ranked, but you too must see that the growing trend is to be more focused on helping individuals within the community. We should be learning how to understand any direct need that keeps them from progressing. It is not a matter of more time in the workshop, it is in understanding their learning needs and strengths, along with limitations. My thought is that with some education on my own, that I will be able to lead the center further than we presently sit. I have dreams of the center becoming a dominant force nationally. I would like to someday contribute in written form the center's lead, but we need to be very structured in the processes of St. Rose. This includes the magic that the Sisters bring to the flow. I want to establish a procedure that could become a working business model to others.

I am at this time in my thinking and learning most impressed with a certain set of ideas. I have not respected Capella for their course plan in that they have instructors from all over the country, but it was minimal effort. If an instructor said more than 10 sentences to me throughout the 10 week course, I would have been enamored. BUT, the material that they were giving and even the questions being asked of us for the papers, was very good. I liked the underpinning of the school. This last week or two, I have gone through the course books for the schools of education, business, psychology, human services, and writing. It was easy to compile a list by looking at the courses that I found beneficial to the learning that was important to me. There were 208 books found total. Out of these books, I found 5 books to be particularly helpful in defining a role as program director. The books are:

Amazon.com: Designing Effective Instruction: Books: Gary R. Morrison,Steven M. Ross,Jerrold E. Kemp,Howard K. Kalman $98.95

Amazon.com: Handbook of Human Performance Technology, 3rd Edition: Books: James A. Pershing $72.00

Amazon.com: Psychology of Learning for Instruction (3rd Edition): Books: Marcy P. Driscoll $84.74

Amazon.com: Promoting Self-Determination in Students with Developmental Disabilities (What Works for Special-Needs Learners):.. Michael Wehmeyer $25.00

Amazon.com: Learning Theories: An Educational Perspective (3rd Edition): Books: Dale H. Schunk $43.99

For a total of $324.68

If you have heard nothing else over the last two years, you should understand that my primary interest is in learning. In doing this I have been trying to combine the best of St. Rose, with the highest knowledge of what is happening in the field of learning and DD. The book I am reading currently is along that line. I am reading Teaching Students with Mental Retardation: Providing Access to the General Curriculum by Michael Wehmeyer. Wehmeyer also wrote the book above on self-determination. Wehmeyer has worked most with the ARC and writes parallel to the professionals writing most often through the old AAMR like Robert Schalock and David Braddock. I am asserting that if you and Sr. have not followed the most current and sought after knowledge from the professionals in the field that you at least encourage my efforts to do so.

Other books in my coffer include:

Quality Performance in Human Services
Handbook on Quality of Life for Human Service Practitioners
One-to-one training: Instructional procedures for learners with DD
Person-centered Planning: Research, practice and future directions
Making it Happen: Student involvement in education planning decision
making, and instruction
AAMR Cross-cultural perspectives on quality of life
Transition Assessment: wise practices for quality Lives
Personality development in individuals with MR

I haven't come across these books haphazardly. This last set of books I already have, but have not had the opportunity to read because of time consumption in formal schooling at its pace, annual work for the clients, and CARF survey.

What I've tried to do with asking for a position of program director is to leave myself a space to study and apply the material in front of me. I have absolutely not a single thread of doubt that the knowledge I gain can be used for constructive purpose. I tried to achieve that position because true I wanted more time pressure taken off me and I wanted the extra flexibility to shape a program. It is also true that I am pushing away from working directly with a caseload. My hope had been that Holly and the new Q take over a caseload and that I take a little pressure off of the both of them, by doing a part of the annual work with the preference interviews, observations, goals, and by working on the performance analysis of all clients that corresponds with our CARF goals. I want to be involved in the learning processes of our group rather than social work.

As it stands now, we have program areas, but nothing defined about what we want our clients to be learning. We just know we want them to be independent and out in the community, but again there are no specific goals of being out in the community other than they hold themselves calmly as adults. There is no assessments being made nor any discussion of curriculum other than providing the 13 areas. Each DSP establishes her own curriculum and there is no accountability over what she is actually teaching. We may know a DSP is working with numbers or language, what is she doing with it? We do know they are very uncomfortable when you make plans to watch and study their processes. We don't even know or understand if there is any continuity between one DSP and another other than they both teach some form of the same areas, which is a very broad understanding of what may or may not be happening. At present, I don't believe there is any consistency to their plans, and I believe they would be intimidated by us asking what is the purpose of their individual lessons, or in general asking them, What are you doing? What are your objectives - what would you like the client to learn?

This has been my starting point to becoming a Program Director. I think that while can get by CARF with a few flashy ornaments or window dressings such as the business improvement reports, analysis, and even the Personal Preference Interview, I think these markers of distinction are just smaller pieces of a bigger pie - that of which I can put together given the time. I feel dismayed in your thoughts of us or plan of us. We don't understand maintaining just a Q position in that it minimalizes our real aptitude to learn, create, analyze and design. Why would we be happy with being forced to do the lesser task. If I can teach somebody else to be a standard Q, then why must I be held to that which now is mundane and time consuming. I want to take on a responsibility, and I believe I've earned the credit to try working with all the clients equally, from the top of their learning needs, and leave the social work aspects of a caseload to the two Q's. I'm not trying to evade responsibility I'm asking for a more important role.

Yes, you are right, that my disability leads us to sometime having downtime, time that we aren't as productive because of the many needs of parts or processes internal. I feel though by only holding to a standard that that improve before any movement to further succeed, is ill-based. I will need to continue working over control of our internal parts, depressions and obsessions with every position that I hold for the rest of my life. It is something to reckon with, but I shouldn't be judged merely on that basis. My belief is that the more I know and communicate about future trend-building processes in the field of disability, education, and psychology the more valuable I will be to the center and the more value the center will be to the community.

I also think you are top of the line within Chicago toward rehabbing work centers. But, that position alone is a work framework that needs to be developed. It is only a part of the center's purpose and in fact take no more concern than 20-25% of their time. There is still the rest that I want to work with. St. Rose still does not define the expectations of what those work learning experiences are or what their other learning expectations are. It doesn't seem good enough for a client to say, I know how to make thingamajings. We need to define if the individual is learning patience, or three-step instructions, or orderliness, or perhaps timing. When do we know they have "been taught and know." The point is that while you bring in the work and acknowledge the clients need to learn ... I can add to the mix by specializing in How it is the clients learn including working with assessments. I will work with you in my work processes, but I ask to you work with me in being more open toward what my mind and abilities in reading and writing may and should produce. The items that I'm suggesting be read, to my knowledge, are not things that you, or the sister, or anyone at St. Rose are reading. I want it to be my specialty because I have the desire and ability to do so. I asked for the position of program director, because I saw more in the program on a national level - back to CARF's belief we could be in that top 3% rather than just being better than other south side Chicagoans who happen to have a lot more downtime. I want some freedom to exceed with creating recognizable learning opportunities, underlined by getting people out into the community. I want you to again say, I believe you can do it and I'm willing to back that up.

posted by Ann Marie @ 6/14/2007 08:56:00 PM Comments: 2