Stretching out the fingers ... Starting now on Paper #1 of 2
Good morning, good morning … Did we all sleep in late? It’s time to wake up! It’s already 9 am here. We have lost about 3 hours of times we should have been working. We’ve been up for a little, but was tired and groggy and fell asleep at the keyboard. Yup, yup Sweetie and me hit the booze. We each drank about 1 ½ hard cranberry lemonade Mikes hehehe … Ok, maybe we’re not really hard drinkers, but I think it did have an impact on me being drowsy. That maybe and the after coffee period caught up with me, we worked hard yesterday, AND did I mention it was Sunday?! Oh yeah … and we’d eaten Chinese and left the door open again … so with full tummy, chilled air, lack of coffee and being slushed over tired … well, naturally it’s now 9 am and nothing has been done.
Pshwoo enough of that … we better set up our next agenda … As much as sweetie pie goes, it was another good night. We had the energy and he had the tired to do a really good long backrub. I think he should officiate 4 games in one day, but they were 4th graders and it was his last game of the season. I think he has only a week off and then he is going into baseball right away. Personally, I think it’s a lot of hard work, but he feels its rewarding and a good usage of his time, so we have to say good for him … but, better limber up those massaging fingers. I think that is why he likes that we type all day … loosens us up!
I don’t think anything critical was talked about … in general his kids and mom and brother and business partner and stuff like that … I love when he talks about this stuff, because its like a ongoing set of events where I’ve got a 14 year involvement in the things that are happening. I guess you could say I was invested in all those lives even though none of those people know I’m a part vicariously of their lives.
Its kind of a strange position to be in … we asked last night wasn’t their some other friend who had a mistress we could get together with. But, he was pretty sure not. Had to let that go. He says things like, “Why are you thinking like that.” To which we respond, “I really don’t know.” It’s like backing up into a dead end alley. I would have liked to know his kids, but one of the relationships I miss most is the one with him and his Mom. He seems to think she’s getting older … and I think one of these days she’s going to be gone and will have never known there was someone in her son’s life that was making him happy all along. I feel bad about that. I think she’s a woman with a lot of strong opinions, so maybe she wouldn’t have accepted me, but I think in general most moms have their children’s best interests at hand. I don’t know what his life would have been like without me, but I have to think he might have been more sad and alone. Maybe it would have forced the question of making other decisions, where I sense that we’ve made his life durable the way he chooses to have it.
I don’t know this is a lot of talk of our fishyman … just here at the blog it seems like an acceptable place for doing it. I do worry that someday this blog might be read by others who might not accept the relationship we’ve had. I’m not saying they should. I am saying that it is the relationship we both agreed to and as that here it stands for better or worse. I stand behind him because I just love the bejeebers out of him. I read periodically the papers where it seems some high political person was caught in a relationship such as ours and he is asked or told to resign or something on that order for conduct unbecoming. I read with interest what happens with these poor people. I’m guessing with the frequency it is reported, it happens more often then not, it’s just something most people don’t talk about.
There is a moral judgment against people who “cheat.” That is unless it is for example Clint Eastwood or Robert Redford. It’s ok for those … or for Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn. We like as a society to get in on that kind of news, because it makes good reading. I think in those cases we are allowed to vicariously step into other peoples life and imagine what it might be like. We might all claim to have certain standards and ethics, but it is not until your involved that you can think – I’m not a bad person, I’m just doing something that isn’t standard practice. The norms at this time of society are going a different way. I look sometimes at all the glamour and glitter that is falsifying who those people are, or of the people outstretched in rooms across the country selling themselves for sex. Are those people any more or less moral? It goes on and on … there are people who have different sexual interest, believe in abortion or stem cell research. Who is it that gets to decide who are the good and bad guys. Aren’t we just different? Some day we might be called accountable for our situation. I don’t know what is going to happen at that point. We’ve never built with our lover a plan. Maybe that is a lack of insight, but I don’t think in reality it is something that can be planned until it happens. There are too many variables and you have to be parts as each one plays itself out. I’ve teased a few times … your wife doesn’t have a gun? There was another story in the paper this morning of a relationship between a school counselor intern who had been in a relationship with a 17 year old boy. The husband of the woman shot him. I think as to my boundaries that children should be protected against sexual predators, but that as adults we make our own choices.
That person who took the life of another, just ended his in many respects. He will be in jail for the rest of his life, if not put to death. The boy he shot and that was tangled in the woman’s acting out didn’t have a choice. And, who knows what will happen to the woman. We know she most likely will not be able to ever pursue her plans working in a school environment.
In that respect, I don’t know what happens to my plans of being a psychologist … I understand there are ethics and that psychologists are supposed to be role models. I have taken myself out of the quotient of counseling others, not really because of the affair, but because of my other parts of mental status, such as the multiplicity, depression, anxiety, and obsessions. I know maybe I just sound like a looser. But, I don’t always feel that and when I do, we have parts that beseech us to stop victimizing ourselves. There’s a good chance that I think different than others … part of it might be those just mentioned, but in general because I’m relatively intelligent. Not like the 17 year old who won a hundred thousand dollar scholarship because of her science experiment with prisms. No, I’m not that smart.
But, I’m smart enough to work toward things I can do. I would hope that people will still by my products that I someday hope to provide to those with developmental disabilities. I don’t know are people who are considered immoral still allowed to contribute to others? Will I be hirable? Not sure. I have to hold to the thought that beside part of tmy behaviors that may never be totally understood, I don’t feel like I’m a bad person. I am a relationship of someone else’s husband, but then she is a relationship of my lover. The relationship is indirect. We don’t need to involve each other in the others life. Our friend divides his time … we don’t ask him the specifics of how those choices are made. I know that in-between his two female relationships … he works very hard at at least 3 jobs. Are those jobs still going to be available to him if people were to know? I don’t know … maybe not. I don’t even know if I would be in his life if things were known. I know for the moment, we are living in the moment. As long as he is my friend it will be so. I can’t stop loving him. I don’t think that people “belong” to each other. No one owns him and he goes as he might.
Take a big breath girl … it’s time for you to move on. It’s the dead line of almost 10 am. Let’s set the clock 19 more minutes and we move on … Let’s figure out the schedule for the rest of the day. It seemed to work yesterday even with some unseen changes.
10-12:00 pm Research paper #1
12-2:30 pm Write paper #1
2:30-3:00 pm Edit paper #1
3-4:00 Rest
4-6:00 pm research paper #2
6-8:30 pm write paper #2
8:30-9 pm edit paper #2
Then go to bed!
Ok, ok .. that’s set up … its looking reasonable, but tough … the hardest point is going to be starting the second paper after the rest, because we’ll be tired and hoping for it to be over. But, we have the thought that … it is after all the last paper and we’ll want to be finishing up. That will be a good thing. I think it will make the teacher happier because she can close the room. She’s changed the deadline for everyone a few times I think. I noted that there was a shortage of posts in the room. I think most handed in the work, but most likely not as much commenting to peers. People were tired and trying to finish their papers. Let me go over now to take a look about … Hmm, just one student came by. The professor had graded one more paper back from week 7, but she hasn’t graded my last four papers. It makes sense that we give her time too. I think she had meant to post all the grades by today, but maybe she has too much to do too, or is holding off mine until I finish. I’m hoping to do well. So far I’m 100’s across the board. I don’t know what will happen to my project to hand in the paper as a draft … because I will only hand in the same paper once. If that were the case, and I were to receive no credit for it, I might have automatically lowered my grade substantially, if not irrevocably. We’ll have to see.
Ok, 7 minutes … what else … I think I’m going to follow yesterday’s pattern and post early and then continue. It’s a toss up of where I want the balance of my current writing to go … either here on Word or posted, but for now it seems best to clear my mind. I also like that the post goes up because I like to read it back in that mode rather than in word. So. If you are reading this now … please think of us as over here --> Doing some paper writing!
Oh … one other thing that might be obvious, but deserves mention. The professor has held the assignments open to being handed in. We told her we’d try to get them both in by today – and she let us formally ask for an incomplete and time to finish the final paper. She didn’t elaborate, so I don’t know if she is very frustrated with us. I’m very glad that we continued to write even though at the time the chances looked slim. I feel some guilt in having to ask for the week extension that was granted because of our disability, but I know too that clause was for reason. I don’t know how to get past the part where parts sometimes take over and their thoughts aren’t bent toward school. I don’t know why I can get so much work done on the last weekend and not the others, but then here it is already 10 am … and I’ve not started before. We’re going 48 seconds on the clock, but this part is always difficult. But, we know its got to be done … so leaving now. Thanks for being here and being so patient with us through our rambling.
posted by Ann Marie @ 3/18/2007 10:01:00 AM
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